Somehow, im fake? - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered people coming out

behind glass · 21st Sep 2011, 07:26 PM

One of my friends that's gay said that I'm fake because I'm not publicly out about being gay

.... I want to know what other people think about this.

bookworm43 · 21st Sep 2011, 07:30 PM

i'd say that you don't have a very good friend. being in the closet does not make you a "fake gay", it makes you someone who's afraid of the world's reaction to your being gay, due to people like your friend.

you probably already know what my advice is gonna be: drop this "friend," or get him/her (you didn't specify) to understand why your not out. but remember, that no ones entitled to get an explination out of you. it's your life, and you should do it when you're good and ready (if you get to have a choice).

Daisy1 · 21st Sep 2011, 07:35 PM

Agreed. Who you sleep with and who you desire to sleep with are private things. You are not required to broadcast them.

Tiny Catastrophe · 21st Sep 2011, 07:58 PM

Your friend needs to chill out. You don't have to run around screaming "I'm gay!" to be considered a "real" gay (I don't even like using that kind of term but it was the only way to say it).

kiersten · 21st Sep 2011, 08:06 PM

I don't think that's a good friend you have there. I'm sorry, but do straight people walk around publicly declaring they're straight? OK, sure the homophobic idiots do all the time, but for the most part, who people choose to be attracted to & sleep with is nobody's business, so why should it be any different for you or anyone else who's gay? I have absolutely no problem with people who are proud of being gay, but when someone chooses to harrass those who choose to be discreet or are still in the closet into being just as out & as much as an activist as they are, then sorry, you've lost me. Not everyone feels comfortable displaying their personal lives for the world & if your friend can't respect that & respect your decision, then maybe they need to find someone else to harrass, because your friend's behaviour is almost as bad & as damaging as people who harrass LGBT people because they are LGBT...

behind glass · 21st Sep 2011, 08:09 PM

It was kinda weird for him to say that (if you gay and your not out then your fake, is basically what he said). It's like he thinks that I go around telling people that I'm straight and have a girl friend which I don't so I don't really get how he came to the conclusion that I'm fake.

kiersten · 21st Sep 2011, 08:36 PM

You're not fake, your friend just seems to have a proble with you not being a person who is extremely vocal about who you are & that you don't advertise to everyone that you are gay. You're fine, it's your friend that seems to be a bit insensitive. Just be yourself & if your friend can't handle it, then too bad!

Fugs · 21st Sep 2011, 10:00 PM

Your friend is a jerk. Or this is just his way of trying to get you out of the closet. He's still a jerk though.

Messed Up · 21st Sep 2011, 10:11 PM

Your friend is the fake one. He or she is, in fact, the "fake gay" because any LGBTQ identified individual knows how hard being LGBTQ identified is and thus they're not a real person if they would say such a hurtful thing or pass judgement on another. It’s hard enough not being comfortable in our skin but how about when we’re around friends (or in this case, people we thought were our friends).

I don’t punch friends but this person doesn’t sound like a friend so I’d knock him.

If you want I’ll punch him for you, or if it’s a girl get my little sister to rip her hair out. LOL

Mad Man L · 21st Sep 2011, 10:32 PM

Your friend is highly stereotypical/insensitive. Firstly, you're only just coming out, it takes balls to walk in public looking gayer than gay pride marches, because quite often bogans find gay bashing and the like quite funny.

Secondly, he's trying to fit you into a stereotype. You do not need to be a flamboyant/camp/femme male to be gay, you can be masculine, hairy and have feminine stuff and still be gay.

It sounds like he is trying to associate not fitting a stereotype or being closeted as being a "fake gay" - possibly even hoping you might 'become straight'.

Kidd · 21st Sep 2011, 10:50 PM

I don't think you're a fake, but you're definitely a pretender. There is a difference, and I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with it, I just think it's an unbelievably large amount of needless baggage to carry. I'm not throwing you under the bus or anything since all of us were pretenders at one point or another, myself included.

It's just a fact, but it's alright, because with time you'll eventually move beyond it. It's just a stage in your metamorphosis I guess, and I think he's being a total jerk by giving you a hard time about it.

midwestgirl89 · 21st Sep 2011, 10:51 PM

I think that your friend is being ridiculous honestly. It's your choice to tell people about your sexuality, not his. I don't think it was very supportive of him to say that to you. Everyone comes out at their own pace (if they even want to).

He is being judgmental of you which isn't cool. You didn't have to tell your friend of your sexuality so he should feel lucky that you confided in him.

Don't listen to him, just be you.

IanGallagher · 21st Sep 2011, 10:51 PM

People have no real idea that I'm bi anymore. I just lie saying I'm straight. So do actors though, so.... being in Hollywood I'm just the "classic" bi guy here. Of which, if 1950s Hollywood still maintains it's presence - there's a lot of.

maverick · 21st Sep 2011, 11:31 PM

I agree with Kidd: "Playing straight" does lend an artificiality to your life, regardless of and depending on the depth of your deceit, ranging the huge spectrum from just letting everyone assume that you're straight (lying by omission) to being in a committed relationship (like a marriage and 2.5 kids) with someone of the opposite sex, but displaying any homosexual behavior in complete secret.

So, having experienced the relief it is to be out of the closet, I would recommend it to any LGBT person. Not just for them personally, but also because visibility helps other gay and lesbian people. If you're a good person and everyone knows you're gay, you're one of the few gays or lesbians they know. And people might disagree with me, but I think every LGBT person has a responsibility to show homophobic people that we are not boogeymen.

But your friend sounds like a militant ass. Your love life is private and it's really nobody's business WHO you're dating, regardless of gender, if you don't want them to know about it.

Contrary to popular belief, people should be able to expect some level of privacy.

**TheEdend** · 22nd Sep 2011, 07:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kidd

I don't think you're a fake, but you're definitely a pretender. There is a difference, and I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with it, I just think it's an unbelievably large amount of needless baggage to carry. I'm not throwing you under the bus or anything since all of us were pretenders at one point or another, myself included.

It's just a fact, but it's alright, because with time you'll eventually move beyond it. It's just a stage in your metamorphosis I guess, and I think he's being a total jerk by giving you a hard time about it.

Pretty much this. No one should pressure you to come out if you aren't ready for it.

I will say that I disagree with the idea that sexuality should be a private thing, though. Your sexuality is much more than just the person you sleep with. Its about the person you fall in love with, the person you want to start a family with and the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Its not something that people expect to be kept private, so why are we the only community that is expected to keep it to ourselves?

Hope searching · 22nd Sep 2011, 08:02 AM

You can image what you will get if you're out. DO NOT DO THAT!!!

Zontar · 22nd Sep 2011, 09:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by behind glass

One of my friends that's gay said that I'm fake because I'm not publicly out about being gay

.... I want to know what other people think about this.

Absolutely not.

I'm very closeted and have the extensive porn collection to prove I am definitely not straight. =p

**Eric** · 22nd Sep 2011, 09:53 AM

Your friend is full of crap. You don't need to be out to be legitimately gay, and other gay people should understand how difficult coming out can be. Don't be pressured into coming out. You have to do it when you feel ready to do it. You're already apparently out to some close friends, so that's a start.

Bi As A Kite · 22nd Sep 2011, 10:18 AM

If your friend had any shitting idea how difficult this can be...

behind glass · 22nd Sep 2011, 01:33 PM

I don't really care about how he called me fake because I know I'm not. It's not like if I come out completely I will be any different then I am now. He should also know that I will come out when I am ready to, he didn't come out the moment he figured out that he was gay (he waited three years). The thing that he did that really crossed the line was that he told some of my friends from my old school that I am gay and he knows I wasn't ready to tell them (they didnt believe him when he told them I am gay because its not obvious at all that I am gay, this is how I described myself I'm really straight for being gay I guess)

21st Sep 2011, 07:26 PM	#1
behind glass Member Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: only close friends and parents Location: Merrill, Michigan Age: 17 Posts: 50 Join Date: Sep 2011	Somehow, im fake? One of my friends that's gay said that I'm fake because I'm not publicly out about being gay .... I want to know what other people think about this.

21st Sep 2011, 07:30 PM	#2
bookworm43 Ketchup Addict Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Lesbian Out Status: My Immediate Family, 4 friends, 1 stranger Location: NY Age: 15 Posts: 585 Join Date: Jun 2011	Re: Somehow, im fake? i'd say that you don't have a very good friend. being in the closet does not make you a "fake gay", it makes you someone who's afraid of the world's reaction to your being gay, due to people like your friend. you probably already know what my advice is gonna be: drop this "friend," or get him/her (you didn't specify) to understand why your not out. but remember, that no ones entitled to get an explination out of you. it's your life, and you should do it when you're good and ready (if you get to have a choice). __________________ "A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or the others crazy?" - Albert Einstein

21st Sep 2011, 07:35 PM	#3
Daisy1 EC Addict Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Girls Out Status: Pretty much out! Location: East Coast Age: 26 Posts: 307 Join Date: Aug 2011	Re: Somehow, im fake? Agreed. Who you sleep with and who you desire to sleep with are private things. You are not required to broadcast them.

21st Sep 2011, 07:58 PM	#4
Tiny Catastrophe Love is genderless <3 Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Lesbian Out Status: 2 sisters, mom, friends, school Location: New Yorkish Age: 19 Posts: 863 Join Date: Jun 2009	Re: Somehow, im fake? Your friend needs to chill out. You don't have to run around screaming "I'm gay!" to be considered a "real" gay (I don't even like using that kind of term but it was the only way to say it). __________________ Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you expect it to always be there. Because you cant remember a time in your life when it wasnt but then one day you feel something else. Something that feels wrong, only because its so unfamiliar. Then in that moment you realize you're happy.

21st Sep 2011, 08:06 PM	#5
kiersten KierstenChromium, Mistress Of Metal Full Member Gender: Transgender - MtF Orientation: Lesbian Out Status: Out to 127 people & my parents & 1 cousin so far Location: Sarnia, ON Posts: 1,331 Join Date: Jun 2011	Re: Somehow, im fake? I don't think that's a good friend you have there. I'm sorry, but do straight people walk around publicly declaring they're straight? OK, sure the homophobic idiots do all the time, but for the most part, who people choose to be attracted to & sleep with is nobody's business, so why should it be any different for you or anyone else who's gay? I have absolutely no problem with people who are proud of being gay, but when someone chooses to harrass those who choose to be discreet or are still in the closet into being just as out & as much as an activist as they are, then sorry, you've lost me. Not everyone feels comfortable displaying their personal lives for the world & if your friend can't respect that & respect your decision, then maybe they need to find someone else to harrass, because your friend's behaviour is almost as bad & as damaging as people who harrass LGBT people because they are LGBT... __________________ Penny: What's Sheldon's deal? Leonard: What do you mean "deal"? Penny : You know, like, what's his deal? Is it girls? Guys? Sock puppets? Leonard: Honestly, we've been operating under the assumption that he has no deal.

21st Sep 2011, 08:09 PM	#6
behind glass Member Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: only close friends and parents Location: Merrill, Michigan Age: 17 Posts: 50 Join Date: Sep 2011	Re: Somehow, im fake? It was kinda weird for him to say that (if you gay and your not out then your fake, is basically what he said). It's like he thinks that I go around telling people that I'm straight and have a girl friend which I don't so I don't really get how he came to the conclusion that I'm fake.

21st Sep 2011, 08:36 PM	#7
kiersten KierstenChromium, Mistress Of Metal Full Member Gender: Transgender - MtF Orientation: Lesbian Out Status: Out to 127 people & my parents & 1 cousin so far Location: Sarnia, ON Posts: 1,331 Join Date: Jun 2011	Re: Somehow, im fake? You're not fake, your friend just seems to have a proble with you not being a person who is extremely vocal about who you are & that you don't advertise to everyone that you are gay. You're fine, it's your friend that seems to be a bit insensitive. Just be yourself & if your friend can't handle it, then too bad! __________________ Penny: What's Sheldon's deal? Leonard: What do you mean "deal"? Penny : You know, like, what's his deal? Is it girls? Guys? Sock puppets? Leonard: Honestly, we've been operating under the assumption that he has no deal.

21st Sep 2011, 10:00 PM	#8
Fugs EC's Local Furry Full Member Gender: Female, trans M-F (Wishes she was a kitty) Orientation: Straight Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Bowling Green, OH Age: 18 Posts: 408 Join Date: Sep 2011	Re: Somehow, im fake? Your friend is a jerk. Or this is just his way of trying to get you out of the closet. He's still a jerk though. __________________ We love youes! Please accept a hug from us so that we can give <( ^ω^)> (≧∇≦)/ (^O^)／ (^。^) (づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ಠ_ರೃ your face the smile that everyone around you wants to see!

21st Sep 2011, 10:11 PM	#9
Messed Up EC Addict Full Member Gender: Dude Orientation: “Well, I’m a little BI-FURIOUS!" Location: The Marvellous Land of Oz Posts: 556 Join Date: May 2011	Re: Somehow, im fake? Your friend is the fake one. He or she is, in fact, the "fake gay" because any LGBTQ identified individual knows how hard being LGBTQ identified is and thus they're not a real person if they would say such a hurtful thing or pass judgement on another. It’s hard enough not being comfortable in our skin but how about when we’re around friends (or in this case, people we thought were our friends). I don’t punch friends but this person doesn’t sound like a friend so I’d knock him. If you want I’ll punch him for you, or if it’s a girl get my little sister to rip her hair out. LOL

21st Sep 2011, 10:32 PM	#10
Mad Man L EC Addict Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Bisexual Out Status: All but family Location: Brisbane, Australia Age: 16 Posts: 1,244 Join Date: Jul 2011	Re: Somehow, im fake? Your friend is highly stereotypical/insensitive. Firstly, you're only just coming out, it takes balls to walk in public looking gayer than gay pride marches, because quite often bogans find gay bashing and the like quite funny. Secondly, he's trying to fit you into a stereotype. You do not need to be a flamboyant/camp/femme male to be gay, you can be masculine, hairy and have feminine stuff and still be gay. It sounds like he is trying to associate not fitting a stereotype or being closeted as being a "fake gay" - possibly even hoping you might 'become straight'. __________________ I really should get a proper signature...

21st Sep 2011, 10:50 PM	#11
Kidd You'll love me! Full Member Gender: ♂ Orientation: ♂ ♥ ♂ Out Status: Out Location: N.W. Ohio Age: 21 Posts: 1,430 Join Date: Mar 2010	Re: Somehow, im fake? I don't think you're a fake, but you're definitely a pretender. There is a difference, and I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with it, I just think it's an unbelievably large amount of needless baggage to carry. I'm not throwing you under the bus or anything since all of us were pretenders at one point or another, myself included. It's just a fact, but it's alright, because with time you'll eventually move beyond it. It's just a stage in your metamorphosis I guess, and I think he's being a total jerk by giving you a hard time about it. __________________ I feel a hunger. Take my picture by the pool, because I'm the next big thing. Fingers crossed, my time is coming now...

21st Sep 2011, 10:51 PM	#12
midwestgirl89 EC Addict Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Interested in Women Out Status: Some people Age: 23 Posts: 559 Join Date: Jul 2011	Re: Somehow, im fake? I think that your friend is being ridiculous honestly. It's your choice to tell people about your sexuality, not his. I don't think it was very supportive of him to say that to you. Everyone comes out at their own pace (if they even want to). He is being judgmental of you which isn't cool. You didn't have to tell your friend of your sexuality so he should feel lucky that you confided in him. Don't listen to him, just be you.

21st Sep 2011, 10:51 PM	#13
IanGallagher The fluctuator Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Mutant and proud Out Status: All except work and extended family. Location: I fly as much as Superman Age: 24 Posts: 619 Join Date: Apr 2011	Re: Somehow, im fake? People have no real idea that I'm bi anymore. I just lie saying I'm straight. So do actors though, so.... being in Hollywood I'm just the "classic" bi guy here. Of which, if 1950s Hollywood still maintains it's presence - there's a lot of.

21st Sep 2011, 11:31 PM	#14
maverick let watchers become warriors Full Member Gender: You tell me. Orientation: Hey good lookin'. wink Out Status: It's pretty obvious. Location: Alabama cue banjos Age: 26 Posts: 2,118 Join Date: Nov 2010	Re: Somehow, im fake? I agree with Kidd: "Playing straight" does lend an artificiality to your life, regardless of and depending on the depth of your deceit, ranging the huge spectrum from just letting everyone assume that you're straight (lying by omission) to being in a committed relationship (like a marriage and 2.5 kids) with someone of the opposite sex, but displaying any homosexual behavior in complete secret. So, having experienced the relief it is to be out of the closet, I would recommend it to any LGBT person. Not just for them personally, but also because visibility helps other gay and lesbian people. If you're a good person and everyone knows you're gay, you're one of the few gays or lesbians they know. And people might disagree with me, but I think every LGBT person has a responsibility to show homophobic people that we are not boogeymen. But your friend sounds like a militant ass. Your love life is private and it's really nobody's business WHO you're dating, regardless of gender, if you don't want them to know about it. Contrary to popular belief, people should be able to expect some level of privacy. __________________ Shelter me oh genius words, just give me strength / to pen these things, and give me peace to well her wings / and oh, oh carry on, all you minstrels of the world, we will catch our lady's ear, we will win for us the girl. Last edited by maverick; 21st Sep 2011 at 11:33 PM..

22nd Sep 2011, 08:02 AM	#16
Hope searching Member Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Maybe G Out Status: Not out at all Location: China Age: 25 Posts: 24 Join Date: Jul 2011	Re: Somehow, im fake? You can image what you will get if you're out. DO NOT DO THAT!!!

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22nd Sep 2011, 09:53 AM	#18
Eric EC Chat Room Mod EC Chat Mod Gender: Male Orientation: Gayyy Out Status: Open about it. Location: Ontario Age: 18 Posts: 1,374 Join Date: Jun 2010	Re: Somehow, im fake? Your friend is full of crap. You don't need to be out to be legitimately gay, and other gay people should understand how difficult coming out can be. Don't be pressured into coming out. You have to do it when you feel ready to do it. You're already apparently out to some close friends, so that's a start.

22nd Sep 2011, 10:18 AM	#19
Bi As A Kite EC Addict Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: The pendulum swings wildly Out Status: 1 friend + mom Age: 20 Posts: 299 Join Date: Jul 2011	Re: Somehow, im fake? If your friend had any shitting idea how difficult this can be... __________________ "You wanna get what you want, you gotta come out fighting...."

22nd Sep 2011, 01:33 PM	#20
behind glass Member Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: only close friends and parents Location: Merrill, Michigan Age: 17 Posts: 50 Join Date: Sep 2011	Re: Somehow, im fake? I don't really care about how he called me fake because I know I'm not. It's not like if I come out completely I will be any different then I am now. He should also know that I will come out when I am ready to, he didn't come out the moment he figured out that he was gay (he waited three years). The thing that he did that really crossed the line was that he told some of my friends from my old school that I am gay and he knows I wasn't ready to tell them (they didnt believe him when he told them I am gay because its not obvious at all that I am gay, this is how I described myself I'm really straight for being gay I guess)