Role orientation - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered people coming out

Zontar · 2nd Oct 2011, 01:31 PM

Do you believe people have intrinsic orientations related to their sexual role? For example, some gay men only like to top, some only like to bottom, etc.

The same can be applied to heterosexuals as well: some women like to be a bit assertive and some men like to be very submissive.

From patterns I've observed in people's behavior, it appears as if we may be up against a scientifically-recognized sex-role orientation in addition to gender preference someday. Has anyone ever looked into it?

I personally enjoy both roles, but something inevitably draws me back to one in particular in fantasies and in real life, which makes me wonder all the more.

StarofMiyu · 2nd Oct 2011, 01:50 PM

I'm not sure, I like being the girl getting licked and fingered and all the rest of it. But I'm honestly a very assertive person so it doesn't make much sense xD

Bosco · 2nd Oct 2011, 03:02 PM

I enjoy being able to swap roles.
And I'm not even referring to in-the-bedroom stuff.
Just everyday things. It's fun to be a gentleman, but at the same time to expect to be pampered sometimes : )
Gender roles can just go out the window for all I care.

Ratchet · 3rd Oct 2011, 03:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by diddle

I enjoy being able to swap roles.
And I'm not even referring to in-the-bedroom stuff.
Just everyday things. It's fun to be a gentleman, but at the same time to expect to be pampered sometimes : )
Gender roles can just go out the window for all I care.

kinda this, im sort of 'scared' to be seen as the 'femme' guy tho.. don't know why (im not totally out in real life alas) maybe living as straight has made me want to fit into heterosexual norms? (im bisexual btw)

Tracy Lord · 3rd Oct 2011, 07:32 PM

In the end, I think this is the main thing with me, not sexual identity. I spent a few months trying to figure out if I was bi or gay, but I think I'm realizing that that was the wrong question for me. Yes, liking sex with both boys and girls technically makes me bi, but it's not just any sex with girls and it's not just any sex with boys. What I am is a sexual submissive. And not just a sexual submissive. I identify with that in terms of relationships, too, and I think it explains why I've always been uncomfortable in leadership roles.

J Snow · 3rd Oct 2011, 07:44 PM

I'd be interested in finding out more about this relationship. I kind of have more masculine traits then my bf, but I completely try to be the girl in the relationship and the bedroom. I've tried topping, and it feels kind of good, but I just don't like the role of it. Like its just not appealing at all. I don't like the feeling of being dominant so I can do it if it makes my partner happy, but it makes me feel slightly uncomfortable a lot of the time.

Tracy Lord · 4th Oct 2011, 10:03 AM

>I completely try to be the girl

Jon, this is not at all a criticism, just an observation: why do we associate "girl" with "submissive?" To me, that's like classifying homosexuality as abnormal just because most people are heterosexual.

malevolentgrrl · 4th Oct 2011, 01:10 PM

The one thing I always disliked when I was in a committed relationship with a woman for three years - the inevitable question: "Which one of you is the man?" I think we are looking to meld together gender and orientation. But the fact of the matter is that they are two separate things. I think it is important to make people (in general) aware of this dichotomy.

J Snow · 4th Oct 2011, 01:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tracy Lord

>I completely try to be the girl

Jon, this is not at all a criticism, just an observation: why do we associate "girl" with "submissive?" To me, that's like classifying homosexuality as abnormal just because most people are heterosexual.

Well I didn't necessarily mean to associate it with being submissive. At least with the bedroom stuff, I was more equating it to, being the bottom, and one can't really argue that the female role is usually the one doing the penetrating.

As far as relationship role goes, well I just don't like being the masculine one all the time. Like I see gay guys that hang out with girls all the time and are all "omg gurl!" and I get jealous sometimes. My bf does tell me I act a lot differently when its just us then when there are other people there.

Paper Heart · 4th Oct 2011, 02:08 PM

I am most definitely the submissive one. I like bottoming, I can't imagine topping. While I am assertive, I am the "girl" in the relationship. Now I use the term girl because in the relationship, not the sexual aspect, I think like a stereotypical girl does in relationships. I can always relate to my girl friends about boy situations better than my guy friends. But I also see things like a "guy" does. So despite thinking both ways, I am still the sub in the relationship. I don't even care, because I know what I like and how I want to be treated.

DhammaGamer · 4th Oct 2011, 02:22 PM

I am trying to be more femme. I like feeling like a girl. I'm bottom only, as well.

Heyitsme · 4th Oct 2011, 03:16 PM

I only like to top, yet I prefer to be the more effeminate one in the relationship (at least in comparison to my man).

Fugs · 4th Oct 2011, 04:55 PM

My friends all agreed among each other that when I do get into a relationship that I'd be the girl. So take what you want from that >.<

J Snow · 4th Oct 2011, 05:08 PM

To me, being gay and being a top doesn't really make sense to me. I mean I'm gay because I like penis and I like it in on or around me. If I was more interested in putting mine in something I'd probably just be straight lol. But that's just my logic.

sanguine · 4th Oct 2011, 07:26 PM

i feel like there's a massive imbalance in the ratio between bottoms and tops, i have no experience with sex other than porn, but i feel like if my relationship went to the sexual stage, i would like it if we both took turns topping and bottoming, cause in all seriousness, being gay means your both into penis, sharing is caring right?

besides i think we should be encouraging more gay men to top, that way everyones is satisfied

and im curious for the lesbians, because if guys prefer to top and bottom, that should apply to lesbians also, like who's gonna be the dominant one and the passive one? and which one is more preferred? like how bottoming and being passive is more preferred for gay men

J Snow · 4th Oct 2011, 07:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sanguine

i feel like there's a massive imbalance in the ratio between bottoms and tops, i have no experience with sex other than porn, but i feel like if my relationship went to the sexual stage, i would like it if we both took turns topping and bottoming, cause in all seriousness, being gay means your both into penis, sharing is caring right?

besides i think we should be encouraging more gay men to top, that way everyones is satisfied

and im curious for the lesbians, because if guys prefer to top and bottom, that should apply to lesbians also, like who's gonna be the dominant one and the passive one? and which one is more preferred? like how bottoming and being passive is more preferred for gay men

So you are saying you think more gay men prefer to bottom? I don't think that's true. I would say that in my experience there's actually more tops out there, but I could be mistaken. Also, there's nothing wrong with being versatile. If I was with someone else who liked to bottom, I could top them sometimes, but it would be more for their pleasure than mine.

sanguine · 4th Oct 2011, 08:04 PM

to me i think its natural for a gay guy to want to bottom, just like how its natural for a straight guy to top, with that being said im not saying that gay men will always and only want to bottom because a straight guy can only top, im saying its just the way it is, in a scientific way, you could say it is hormones that make us think more feminine that way but i dunno, everyone is different and science isnt always clean cut.

if it werent for social vilification and suppression, being gay wouldnt been seen are inferior or weak, and i think because of that mind set, we see some gay men who only top because they feel more masculine that way

J Snow · 4th Oct 2011, 08:17 PM

I agree that being gay and wanting to bottom seems to make more sense to me, but I still think it seems to me that their are more tops. I'm not saying it makes sense. I'm just saying its the conclusion I've come to from my own observation.

I mean personally I find topping slightly gross. I'm not really attracted to men's asses at all, and anal is actually kind of gross to me. It just doesn't bother me from my role lol. That said I've done it before and could do it again for my partner's enjoyment.

Zontar · 5th Oct 2011, 06:06 AM

I personally like bottoming because...well, look at it this way. Even straight guys can bum any girl in the ass. It's (comparatively) boring. But only we can let our partner inside of us. And what's hotter than the idea of him inside?

That's not to knock topping though. Sometimes, you just want to jump on and stab that hot slice of beef. =p

jimL · 5th Oct 2011, 06:55 AM

Like DhammaGamer I am trying to be more fem. I am somewhat masculine in appearance and the way I act, but inside I feel very feminine. It's interesting that I have always felt like a top until I met my current bf. He is very feminine acting and in the way he dresses......but in the bedroom he is the top and I have really come to like being a bottom with him. It's interesting how much I find this such a turn on for a feminine guy to top me. Does that make me versatile? I don't know? I guess the bottom line is just do what works for you and your partner. Love comes in many forms.

2nd Oct 2011, 01:31 PM	#1
Zontar Mister Funny Man Full Member Gender: Male Location: Binghampton, NY Posts: 1,539 Join Date: Oct 2010	Role orientation Do you believe people have intrinsic orientations related to their sexual role? For example, some gay men only like to top, some only like to bottom, etc. The same can be applied to heterosexuals as well: some women like to be a bit assertive and some men like to be very submissive. From patterns I've observed in people's behavior, it appears as if we may be up against a scientifically-recognized sex-role orientation in addition to gender preference someday. Has anyone ever looked into it? I personally enjoy both roles, but something inevitably draws me back to one in particular in fantasies and in real life, which makes me wonder all the more. __________________ Get up and open your eyes...Don't ever let yourself ever fall down... Get through it and learn how to fly...I know you'll find a way...today. -Days of the New, "Dirty Road"

2nd Oct 2011, 01:50 PM	#2
StarofMiyu Japanese enthusiast girl Regular Member Gender: Waterbender Orientation: Asexual Panromantic Out Status: Out to whoever asks. Location: Canædia Age: 17 Posts: 209 Join Date: May 2011	Re: Role orientation I'm not sure, I like being the girl getting licked and fingered and all the rest of it. But I'm honestly a very assertive person so it doesn't make much sense xD

2nd Oct 2011, 03:02 PM	#3
Bosco kukukuku Full Member Gender: Male 男 Orientation: Boys make my knees weak Out Status: A few people Location: eh? Age: 19 Posts: 269 Join Date: Jul 2011	Re: Role orientation I enjoy being able to swap roles. And I'm not even referring to in-the-bedroom stuff. Just everyday things. It's fun to be a gentleman, but at the same time to expect to be pampered sometimes : ) Gender roles can just go out the window for all I care. __________________ .: ♪ :. I tried to be 'perfect'... it just wasn't worth it

3rd Oct 2011, 07:32 PM	#5
Tracy Lord EC Addict Full Member Gender: Two Spirit Orientation: Depends on my mood Posts: 330 Join Date: Jun 2011	Re: Role orientation In the end, I think this is the main thing with me, not sexual identity. I spent a few months trying to figure out if I was bi or gay, but I think I'm realizing that that was the wrong question for me. Yes, liking sex with both boys and girls technically makes me bi, but it's not just any sex with girls and it's not just any sex with boys. What I am is a sexual submissive. And not just a sexual submissive. I identify with that in terms of relationships, too, and I think it explains why I've always been uncomfortable in leadership roles.

3rd Oct 2011, 07:44 PM	#6
J Snow EC Addict Regular Member Gender: Sex - Male, Gender -Female/bigender/not quite sure Orientation: Primarily interested in men. Out Status: fairly out about sexuality, gender not so much Location: Des Moines, Iowa Age: 22 Posts: 1,391 Join Date: Aug 2011	Re: Role orientation I'd be interested in finding out more about this relationship. I kind of have more masculine traits then my bf, but I completely try to be the girl in the relationship and the bedroom. I've tried topping, and it feels kind of good, but I just don't like the role of it. Like its just not appealing at all. I don't like the feeling of being dominant so I can do it if it makes my partner happy, but it makes me feel slightly uncomfortable a lot of the time.

4th Oct 2011, 10:03 AM	#7
Tracy Lord EC Addict Full Member Gender: Two Spirit Orientation: Depends on my mood Posts: 330 Join Date: Jun 2011	Re: Role orientation >I completely try to be the girl Jon, this is not at all a criticism, just an observation: why do we associate "girl" with "submissive?" To me, that's like classifying homosexuality as abnormal just because most people are heterosexual. __________________ Tracy: And do you know how I feel? Mr. Lord: How? Tracy: Like a human. Like a human being.

4th Oct 2011, 01:10 PM	#8
malevolentgrrl Member Regular Member Gender: Genderqueer Orientation: Bisexual Out Status: A few people Location: Toronto, Canada Posts: 13 Join Date: Oct 2011	Re: Role orientation The one thing I always disliked when I was in a committed relationship with a woman for three years - the inevitable question: "Which one of you is the man?" I think we are looking to meld together gender and orientation. But the fact of the matter is that they are two separate things. I think it is important to make people (in general) aware of this dichotomy. __________________ T.

4th Oct 2011, 02:08 PM	#10
Paper Heart The Fool Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out and About =D Location: The tiny red dot in Massachusetts. Age: 19 Posts: 500 Join Date: Nov 2009	Re: Role orientation I am most definitely the submissive one. I like bottoming, I can't imagine topping. While I am assertive, I am the "girl" in the relationship. Now I use the term girl because in the relationship, not the sexual aspect, I think like a stereotypical girl does in relationships. I can always relate to my girl friends about boy situations better than my guy friends. But I also see things like a "guy" does. So despite thinking both ways, I am still the sub in the relationship. I don't even care, because I know what I like and how I want to be treated. __________________ I don't understand how lightning is in competition with an above ground swimming pool.

4th Oct 2011, 02:22 PM	#11
DhammaGamer EC Addict Full Member Gender: MtF Orientation: Queer <3 Out Status: The closet is falling apart around me!!! Location: Michigan Age: 25 Posts: 372 Join Date: Sep 2011	Re: Role orientation I am trying to be more femme. I like feeling like a girl. I'm bottom only, as well.

4th Oct 2011, 03:16 PM	#12
Heyitsme EC Addict Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Everybody Location: Cambridgeshire, England Age: 18 Posts: 278 Join Date: Jun 2010	Re: Role orientation I only like to top, yet I prefer to be the more effeminate one in the relationship (at least in comparison to my man). __________________ "I'm not even on drugs, I'm just weird." -Alex Gaskarth

4th Oct 2011, 04:55 PM	#13
Fugs EC's Local Furry Full Member Gender: Female, trans M-F (Wishes she was a kitty) Orientation: Straight Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Bowling Green, OH Age: 18 Posts: 408 Join Date: Sep 2011	Re: Role orientation My friends all agreed among each other that when I do get into a relationship that I'd be the girl. So take what you want from that >.< __________________ We love youes! Please accept a hug from us so that we can give <( ^ω^)> (≧∇≦)/ (^O^)／ (^。^) (づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ಠ_ರೃ your face the smile that everyone around you wants to see!

4th Oct 2011, 05:08 PM	#14
J Snow EC Addict Regular Member Gender: Sex - Male, Gender -Female/bigender/not quite sure Orientation: Primarily interested in men. Out Status: fairly out about sexuality, gender not so much Location: Des Moines, Iowa Age: 22 Posts: 1,391 Join Date: Aug 2011	Re: Role orientation To me, being gay and being a top doesn't really make sense to me. I mean I'm gay because I like penis and I like it in on or around me. If I was more interested in putting mine in something I'd probably just be straight lol. But that's just my logic.

4th Oct 2011, 07:26 PM	#15
sanguine a cow Full Member Gender: cow Orientation: cows Out Status: i dont care Location: Sydney Australia Age: 18 Posts: 447 Join Date: Sep 2011	Re: Role orientation i feel like there's a massive imbalance in the ratio between bottoms and tops, i have no experience with sex other than porn, but i feel like if my relationship went to the sexual stage, i would like it if we both took turns topping and bottoming, cause in all seriousness, being gay means your both into penis, sharing is caring right? besides i think we should be encouraging more gay men to top, that way everyones is satisfied and im curious for the lesbians, because if guys prefer to top and bottom, that should apply to lesbians also, like who's gonna be the dominant one and the passive one? and which one is more preferred? like how bottoming and being passive is more preferred for gay men __________________ The most pathetic person in the world is someone who has sight but has no vision. Value yourself. The only people who appreciate a doormat are people with dirty shoes

4th Oct 2011, 08:04 PM	#17
sanguine a cow Full Member Gender: cow Orientation: cows Out Status: i dont care Location: Sydney Australia Age: 18 Posts: 447 Join Date: Sep 2011	Re: Role orientation to me i think its natural for a gay guy to want to bottom, just like how its natural for a straight guy to top, with that being said im not saying that gay men will always and only want to bottom because a straight guy can only top, im saying its just the way it is, in a scientific way, you could say it is hormones that make us think more feminine that way but i dunno, everyone is different and science isnt always clean cut. if it werent for social vilification and suppression, being gay wouldnt been seen are inferior or weak, and i think because of that mind set, we see some gay men who only top because they feel more masculine that way __________________ The most pathetic person in the world is someone who has sight but has no vision. Value yourself. The only people who appreciate a doormat are people with dirty shoes

4th Oct 2011, 08:17 PM	#18
J Snow EC Addict Regular Member Gender: Sex - Male, Gender -Female/bigender/not quite sure Orientation: Primarily interested in men. Out Status: fairly out about sexuality, gender not so much Location: Des Moines, Iowa Age: 22 Posts: 1,391 Join Date: Aug 2011	Re: Role orientation I agree that being gay and wanting to bottom seems to make more sense to me, but I still think it seems to me that their are more tops. I'm not saying it makes sense. I'm just saying its the conclusion I've come to from my own observation. I mean personally I find topping slightly gross. I'm not really attracted to men's asses at all, and anal is actually kind of gross to me. It just doesn't bother me from my role lol. That said I've done it before and could do it again for my partner's enjoyment.

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5th Oct 2011, 06:06 AM	#19
Zontar Mister Funny Man Full Member Gender: Male Location: Binghampton, NY Posts: 1,539 Join Date: Oct 2010	Re: Role orientation I personally like bottoming because...well, look at it this way. Even straight guys can bum any girl in the ass. It's (comparatively) boring. But only we can let our partner inside of us. And what's hotter than the idea of him inside? That's not to knock topping though. Sometimes, you just want to jump on and stab that hot slice of beef. =p __________________ Get up and open your eyes...Don't ever let yourself ever fall down... Get through it and learn how to fly...I know you'll find a way...today. -Days of the New, "Dirty Road"

5th Oct 2011, 06:55 AM	#20
jimL I Can't Even Think Straight Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Sexy hot guys Out Status: Family, friends, work, anyone who asks!!!! Location: Oregon, USA Posts: 308 Join Date: May 2011	Re: Role orientation Like DhammaGamer I am trying to be more fem. I am somewhat masculine in appearance and the way I act, but inside I feel very feminine. It's interesting that I have always felt like a top until I met my current bf. He is very feminine acting and in the way he dresses......but in the bedroom he is the top and I have really come to like being a bottom with him. It's interesting how much I find this such a turn on for a feminine guy to top me. Does that make me versatile? I don't know? I guess the bottom line is just do what works for you and your partner. Love comes in many forms.