It's just all messed up

[closetedafraid]

Okay... Sorry for the longe message but...

I hate my life. Right now, all I am hearing is a ton of homophobic nonsense!!!! My extremely religous mother is so obsessed with church and the bible that she does not know how to accept anyone else who is different from her. My sister is the same way, she just follows my mother. And the sad this is, THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE A CLUE THAT I AM GAY!!! But you know what... I've analyzed their beahvior, and maybe, just maybe they do have a clue that I am gay... Maybe that's why they always bring up gay conversations and maybe that's why they always make little homophobic comments... To see what I am going to do! And if I get mad and walk away (Like I always do) They suspect that I am gay... But if I just went along with them, they'd think I am not gay??? I don't know if that makes sense but it could be possible.

IDK I am just sick of this. I am sick of everything... Somedays I just think f/u/c/k (sorry for my language) this I am going to stay in the closet forever, marry a freaking guy and LIVE A LIE!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want to live a lie, but I am too afraid of my homophobic family. I need help

And I always think to myself, I wish I were those lucky teens when they come out their parents don't care, and they love them no matter what or that their parents are happy for them. But I am not that lucky, and I just DON'T UNDERSTAND why the h/e/l/l God would put me with such a homophobic family and make me freaking GAY!!! Seriously? What the heck!?!?!? This is messed up. It's all messed up... I don't know what to do anymore.


I want to die.

[starfish]

I do understand that it gets old. However do try to ignore them the best you can.

It sounds like you want to come out. What do you think would happen if you do?

It is easy to sit there and talk trash about someone that you don't know. If it will be quite a different thing to for your mom and sister to sit there and talk trash about a loved one.

People often bash gays, minorities, etc because that are just talking trash. They are looking for attention and since they don't think that anyone in those groups are within ear shot they don't think they are hurting anyone.

This is why it is important for us to be out. We are a silent minority, but the nature of our difference. In most cases you can be in a room with a hundred gay people and not know it. By coming out we make our presence known and also send the message don't be hating on me.

Now of course discretion is the better part of valor. So if you don't feel safe being out then you don't have to be.

Tonight I am at one of my favorite coffe shops. In the restroom I saw this written on the wall. "If you're going through hell, keep going". I also saw "You can go to hell -- I'm going to Texas!". Both seem apropos.

[J Snow]

I know I already commented on your thread in S&A, but I know how you feel about hearing gay stuff around you. Even though my mom knows I'm gay, she still acts just as ignorant as ever. I remember she was watching America's got Talent one day and there was a guy that pole dances on it (obviously gay) and she was calling him a freak and all this stuff in front me.

My friends still make gay jokes in front of me even though they know. Though I know they are just jokes and they don't have a problem with gay people.

As for why God would make you gay and put you in a family that doesn't like gay people, its possible he did it so you could change their views =)

[Kidd]

Hey love, first off, I'm really sorry.

Obviously, you're in a pretty tight spot right now. The thing is, no matter what anyone says, being LGBT is totally normal and fine. Some boys fall in love with other boys and that's ok, and some girls fall in love with other girls and that's ok too. I know it's so obvious, but it's still something important that should be said more often.

If you're not out to your friends, maybe that's something to think about first. I wouldn't come out to your family just yet, but eventually you're going to have to do it. That might not be for another 10 years, or even longer than that, but that day is going to come eventually and you have to be ready for it. You have to build a support group of people that are going to understand and accept you for who you are.

If you're able to be financially independent, then maybe you should consider moving out or moving away. Whatever you do, don't drag a boy into this. He deserves better. People aren't and shouldn't be expendable that way.

[someguy]

Well my Mum a few years back used too think the way your Mum does about LGBT people. She never really talked trash about them. I always took a deep breath, and corrected her on LGBT stuff she said that was the opposite of the truth and the reality. I always used to use hypothetical stuff like "what if (insert siblings name) was gay? would you care?". Basically I buttered her up for a year before I finally came out to her.

What do you think is the worst reaction your Mum will give you? If she is ultra religious, I would recommend waiting on coming out until you're financially independent if you think she will kick you out or repudiate you. As mentioned before by Kidd, why not come out to some good friends if you want to come out. You shouldn't feel pressured into anything that includes coming out or getting married.

[closetedafraid]

Thank you all... For all of the support! It means so much and it actually keeps me going. That's all I need is support. These replies are helpful.

Thank you!