My Brother's Friend

[Indiana Juno]

Hey guys this one's not too long, so please bear with me

Around a year ago my brother started bringing his friend around to hang out, let's just call him Marco.

We eventually became cool enough that we've pretty much started hanging out every day. And when we're not hanging out, we text each other funny stuff that happens throughout the day. When we chill, I've had more "from-the-gut" laughs then I've had with anyone in a long time. In short, Marco's become a very good friend.

Herein lies my problem. 1) I'm out to all my good friends and I'd like to be out to him as well. I don't know how he'd take this - he's from a strong latino background (which I know, like Italians, homosexuality is frowned upon). I think he suspects I'm gay because he'll frequently ask me questions like "do you suck _____" - as a joke, I joke with him in similar ways.

I know they say those who mind don't matter but honestly I could see it being one of those things he just can't get past - like he'll be uncomfortable around me.

2) The other possibility and the one I've been secretly hoping it's true - is that he's gay or bisexual himself. My brother told me that one of his friends came out to him as bisexual, and he wouldn't tell me who it was - only that it would be "really messed up" if he told me.

Last night I dropped him off and we sat in the car talking for a couple of minutes - and even though when joking around we'll frequently hit each other, he was resting his hands wherever they landed for a few seconds longer than usual. Similar to when I was closeted and I wanted to let a guy know I was interested.

If he's straight, I'll let bygones be bygones and I'll put it out of my mind. But if he's not I can't help but feel this could go somewhere. My only problem is finding out. My brother wouldn't tell me who his closeted friend was, and if I ask specifically about Marco he'll know I'm interested.

Or is there possibly a way to ask Marco without actually asking him? Wants a good roundabout way to find out? Ugghhhh too many questions. Thanks for sticking with this post, guys, and thanks in advance for the advice.

[MommaFrog]

I think the next time he joking says something like "You love that penis don't ya?" you should just say, in as joking a tone as possible "You know it!" or something like that...

OR

You could seriously just come out and say "You do know I'm gay, right? I thought My brother told you..." or something like that...

Just ideas....

[Jim1454]

What we always say to people here is that if you want someone to come out to you, you really do need to come out to them first. It simply isn't fair to expect someone else to come out if you're not prepared to do that yourself.

When you do come out, you need to be prepared for any and all possible outcomes though. It might freak him out. It might not freak him out. He might come out to you too. He might establish that he's straight. He might not say either way. And all of those reactions have to be OK with you.

For you to know - you're going to have to go out on a limb for sure. But as the saying goes, no pain, no gain.

[sichuan1920]

Originally Posted by MommaFrog

I think the next time he joking says something like "You love that penis don't ya?" you should just say, in as joking a tone as possible "You know it!" or something like that...

Just my two cents: This kind of thing has never worked well for me. I think it leaves the issue too ambiguous - with the other person wondering wondering "was he just joking? did he really mean to say it like that?" and me wondering "did they get the message?"

[Robert]

*switch on the TV* "My god that guy has a nice ass! Hes one sexy MOFO! I sure love manly men and this guy is as manly as it gets! I bet he has a huge penis too! My god I love huge penises!"



... Or something like that.

[Gravity]

Well I have to say that, from your description, I would suspect "Marco" is gay as well - I've never had a straight male friend that I had that much contact with, and the whole hands thing while hanging out in the car - well, yeah. Even my straight friends who are interested in hearing about gay stuff don't do that. Then again, who knows? This is just your version of the story and it's entirely possible that it could turn out to be something very different, so take this with a grain of salt.

While I agree with Jim that you shouldn't just expect him to come out without you being willing to do the same, my one addition would be that if you do come out to him, don't do it somewhere where he might feel "trapped" - i.e., not in the car at night. It really is hard to predict responses so you don't want to set yourself up for something potentially awkward. I'm not saying you need an audience or anything - after all, things could also go the way you hope - but make sure it's someplace he has an easy out, just in case he freaks out or if he just wants to take a minute to process it.

If he's been a good friend so far, don't be embarrassed to be honest about yourself.