Can’t Take the Hint

[Messed Up]

Okay,

Trying to make this as simple and short as possible;

I have a crush on a guy. Surprise. He had one on me years ago. Was the first one to tell me he “loved” me. Never heard someone say that before. You just can’t forget that shit.

Anyways. Neither one of us is out. But, I was gladly willing to be his boyfriend but I think now he’s scared. We’re now on Facebook together. Things have slowed down. Significantly. I try to make normal (non-“I want to be your boyfriend”) talk, just regular “How was your day?” talk. He responds either a week later or says in chat “TTYL I gotta study”. Hell, he may even be on this site for all I know.

Anyways,

Can I just not take a hint? Should I move on and find someone my love is worth spending upon? Should I tell him we should delete each other on Facebook? AM I A FUCKING STALKER? AM I NEEDY? WHAT!? I hate this runaround bullshit!

I deserve to know what I should do!

I get it. You’re not out. I understand. Neither am I! We don’t exactly flounce around to draw attention to ourselves as “other than straight" so why should you be scared?!? We don’t exactly scream “GAY or BI”. We scream “Dudes hanging out". I am so confused!

This has been the most confusing year ever! How do I move on when you never gave me the chance to prove what an AMAZING boyfriend (let alone a friend) I could be! Because you never gave US a chance I feel cheated out of proving myself in the first place! Hell, maybe we weren’t even compatible but YOU NEVER GAVE US THE CHANCE TO FIND
OUT!!!!!!

What do I do!? Do I delete him? Rid him of my life? I hate him and don’t at the same time. I want to help him study late at night for his midterms. I wanna kiss him good luck before his tests. I wanna raise him in my arms after he finishes. And I wanna kiss him when he finds out he passed with flying colours. Do you see?

What do I do?

Sorry, on second thought, I didn’t do much to make it shorter or simpler.

---------- Post added 30th Oct 2011 at 09:37 PM ----------

Oh yea. And I ain’t that ugly neither. So THAT can’t be it.

[Rooni321]

Tell him what you just told us (Esp. If you've been dating a while).
Honesty is the best policy.
And if he says nothing to that then he's not worth your time. Life is to short to spend your love on someone who doesn't take it seriously.

---------- Post added 30th Oct 2011 at 11:01 PM ----------

But maybe not as angry lol

You seem pretty desperate about the situation. In your case what i think would be best, is to suck it up and just be straight forward with him about your feelings because in your state of mind it wouldnt be very efficient to try to read into the situation. Also, take into consideration that it has been a year, so be prepared to accept that perhaps he has moved on.

"I want to help him study late at night for his midterms. I wanna kiss him good luck before his tests. I wanna raise him in my arms after he finishes. And I wanna kiss him when he finds out he passed with flying colours."

If someone said that to me, i wouldn't know what to do with myself. It's extremely sweet and romantic. ^^

[geordie94]

I'm just wondering.. you say he told you he loves you.. but you dont tell us what you replied.. maybe he's being distant to protect his feelings?

I dunno

I guess you should talk.. you've known each other for a long time.. would suck to waste all that

[Messed Up]

Originally Posted by Chrisyan

You seem pretty desperate about the situation. In your case what i think would be best, is to suck it up and just be straight forward with him about your feelings because in your state of mind it wouldnt be very efficient to try to read into the situation. Also, take into consideration that it has been a year, so be prepared to accept that perhaps he has moved on.

"I want to help him study late at night for his midterms. I wanna kiss him good luck before his tests. I wanna raise him in my arms after he finishes. And I wanna kiss him when he finds out he passed with flying colours."

If someone said that to me, i wouldn't know what to do with myself. It's extremely sweet and romantic. ^^

The reason I want to fight for this is because when we found each other again we couldn’t stop being so happy. We knew each other two years ago and this summer we came back together and “happy" was an insufficient word to describe the feeling.

Do I fight for it or give up? We’re older now and I feel we’re more mature now to start something meaningful. But...could it be that he ACTUALLY has to study? He’s in a hard program but I bet he has classmates that have girlfriends/boyfriends.

---------- Post added 31st Oct 2011 at 10:28 AM ----------

Originally Posted by geordie94

I guess you should talk.. you've known each other for a long time.. would suck to waste all that

My thoughts, exactly. All this hell and highwater...for nothing?

I think he’s scared...or...I hope to God he didn’t find someone else... </3

[Lexington]

I don't get much sense that he's interested in you right now. Then again, I don't get much sense that you've told HIM that you're interested in him. Maybe you did (the "I get it - we're both closeted" thing could go both ways), but if you didn't, you can't exactly blame him for wanting to drop a wall. If you did, and he still shut you out, then I'd say that's your answer. He's not interested.

Lex

[Messed Up]

See, this is the thing, when we did talk he’d say “Night my love”, or "Bye cutie” (that seemed to be the name he was giving me which I SO TOTALLY didn’t hate but LOVED) and so forth then BAM! something happened (what that is, I have NO freakin’ clue) and he gets distant and cold. He knows I was interested. I thought he was interested (not sure anymore) and now I’m confused. Whoopeee. I’m so lost. And if I confront him what if he strings me along and doesn’t answer. Is he testing me? Is he a jerk? Is he this is he that...what if he doesn’t respond?- I’ll look at my inbox just waiting for him to let me know...

Babe, tell me you love me. Tell me you hate me, I don’t care- just tell me SOMETHING!

[Yuya]

Hey mate,
Just want to say that I’m exactly in the same boat as you and I can relate to 100% of what you’re going through right now.

I know my boyfriend for less than half a year so it’s a bit different compared to yours. It may seem like my boyfriend and I are very lovey dovy but it’s actually quite far from that in real life.

I believe that I’m the wife of the relationship. I try to think of all the sweet romantic stuff to do like meet him everyweek and plan special surprises for him. He doesn’t do that for me. In fact sometimes he finds it annoying when I insist on meeting him (we live like 2 hours away from each other).

When he’s annoyed he’ll close up and not reply to any text sometimes calls. It gets me so angry and fuelled up and we bicker because of this. Not all things are bad. Like you, when we are together we are really happy. But when I’m alone I miss him and want to be around him all the time.

And I think that sometimes maybe our boyfriends are just wired this way. They don't commprehand the amount of love and affect we can give. That does not mean that you guys will spend less time in future but like you i’m also so scared that maybe he’s not as commited as me.

Sometimes I ask myself if he is that worth it or not. I dropped all plans to return home and stayed in Melb just for him. I’m hanging by a thread, spending thousands living in a country with nobody I know just to be with him and he doesn’t want give me the commitment that I want.

Once during a bad quarrel, He said to me that ‘sometimes just because I don’t see you as often as I would like, or reply to your text as quickly as you would like me to, doesn’t mean I love you any less’

He asked me to trust him. And I think that that was the moment when I said that I will trust him. So now there are periods of time when he doesn’t want to see me for days and even though he goes out with his friends and have a good time, I just try to go out on my own and have a good time knowing that at the end of the day he’s my baby.

I don’t really know what your guy has said to you. I hope he still says he loves you and I hope he still trys to be nice to you whenever you meet up as little as it seems. Give him abit of time, focus on having fun on your own for abit, it helps get rid of your negative thoughts about him. And feel free to bitch to me anytime lol.

p.s: I find that when I don’t contact him for sometime, he becomes sweeter to me. It’s called absence makes the heart fonder.

[Alex15]

I'd say copy paste your first post and send it to him, honestly if someone told me all that stuff I'd either get with the program fast or tell them that I am flattered but they need to shower someone else who would appreciate such things much more then I would. If I read those words there is no way I could continue to beat around the bush, it'd be 100% yes let's do this or no I can't

[theWorldisYours]

I'm was in a similar situation about a month ago. I was falling hard for this one guy, and when we were together everything would seem amazing. We would cuddle, and hold hands, and we would hook up a lot. The problem was he never wouldn't respond to my texts, and would rarely initiate a conversation, or ask if i wanted to hang out. Earlier in our relationship I asked him if he wanted to be exclusive, and he said yes, but the fact that I was putting all of the effort into what ever we had going on made me feel like a creep for trying so hard, and a total clinger.

Turns out he just wanted to hook up. The point is, I went through a couple of weeks of complete awkwardness. If he didn't want to hang out, and basically be a couple, he should have just told me.

If your confused about what's going on, use talk to him. Tell him exactly what you want, don't sugar coat it. And make sure you get an honest answer before you end the conversation. It can avoid tons of trouble. And If your anything like me, you won't let this go until you get to the bottom of it.

Communication is key to any relationship. I'll just never understand why, sometimes, it's just so hard to do.

[Gravity]

To the OP -

I often find myself in the same situation. I'm always the one trying to get in touch, and I keep asking myself, "can it be that they're really that busy? maybe I'm just being stalkery?"

The hard truth, though, is that if people want you in their life, they'll be in your life. Maybe he does have to study, but even if he did, if he was as smitten with you as you are with him, he'd find a way to talk to you.

You sound like a very sweet and romantic person - I'm with Chrisyan on this one. When someone comes along who's as into you as you are into them you're going to be a great partner. :-D Don't lose hope!

[Messed Up]

Originally Posted by Yuya

I don’t really know what your guy has said to you. I hope he still says he loves you and I hope he still trys to be nice to you whenever you meet up as little as it seems. Give him abit of time, focus on having fun on your own for abit, it helps get rid of your negative thoughts about him. And feel free to bitch to me anytime lol.

p.s: I find that when I don’t contact him for sometime, he becomes sweeter to me. It’s called absence makes the heart fonder.

That’s the thing, it’s like he stopped talking all together. I get the absence part and as much as I think about it I quickly withdraw and cave in and write him...I want to show him I’ll wait/fight for him. But thanks man

---------- Post added 3rd Nov 2011 at 12:19 AM ----------

Originally Posted by Alex15

I'd say copy paste your first post and send it to him, honestly if someone told me all that stuff I'd either get with the program fast or tell them that I am flattered but they need to shower someone else who would appreciate such things much more then I would. If I read those words there is no way I could continue to beat around the bush, it'd be 100% yes let's do this or no I can't

I feel that this is my first shot at a REAL relationship. I’m 22 and I’ve never had one (boy or girl), while most people my age have had dozens starting since high school. DON’T GET ME WRONG, I don’t want to have a relationship for the sake of having one but to be in a relationship seems divine. I was so close but he pulled back and I have this overwhelming feeling I was denied the chance to prove myself (which I’ve stated before here- but it totally bears repeating LOL). It’s like, being tackled on the one0yard line, you know what I mean? In my heart of hearts and I know that I’m green and I have the whole world ahead of me (in terms of relationships etc.) but with him it seems as if I opened the book but the librarian took it away before I could read the first sentence... I don’t want to close the door before it opened....you get me guys? If I do go bluntly like my first post, true, it might slap him and make him either step and make up his mind but it may also scare him off...maybe he never saw this as a budding relationship but just a good time (which, by the way guys, do not spew words like “I love you” or “My love” so frivolously then!). However, as much as I want him I need to do what’s best for me.

Do you guys think if I confront him in a post, give him time (like, an expiration date) he’ll be receptive? Here’s what I’ve been thinking; I tell him I’ll give him space but come Christmas time WHEN HE IS SURE TO HAVE A BREAK FROM SCHOOL he owes me a coffee date (it’ll be cold by then LOL). If he’s not receptive I’ll cut ties with him (DESPITE HOW THE IDEA BREAKS MY HEART JUST THINKING/WRITING ABOUT IT)



---------- Post added 3rd Nov 2011 at 12:25 AM ----------

Originally Posted by Gravity

To the OP -

I often find myself in the same situation. I'm always the one trying to get in touch, and I keep asking myself, "can it be that they're really that busy? maybe I'm just being stalkery?"

The hard truth, though, is that if people want you in their life, they'll be in your life. Maybe he does have to study, but even if he did, if he was as smitten with you as you are with him, he'd find a way to talk to you.

You sound like a very sweet and romantic person - I'm with Chrisyan on this one. When someone comes along who's as into you as you are into them you're going to be a great partner. :-D Don't lose hope!

That’s the issue for me Gravity, I felt that because we found each other again it was more than luck- it was....meant to be...and he was as over the moon as I was when we did so that showed me he cared for me and missed me just as much as I him. He told me he looked high and low for me but was never lucky. So, “If people want you in their life, they'll be in your life” rings true here because it seemed we were meant to find each other again. You see?

I hate being loving and romantic and crap. Everywhere I turn I see douches with prizes (girls and boys) and I think is it the hot bod they fall for? I ain’t ugly (I mean, I don’t think so). I couldn’t buy them a Porche or a mansion but I could give them warm Christmases and intimate Birthdays and go to church with ‘em (yea, I’m like that LOL), and picnics with the family...but I dunno...that’s like, not sexy or something. Do I have to be a jacked up douche with muscles from here ’til doomsday and a Ferrari to keep a relationship? LOL

I just don’t get it.

I wish there was a manual for this crap LOL

Thanks guys...

[Messed Up]

Okay...maybe I did something really bad.

I said “Hi” to him on Facebook...

Can we still be friends? I’m still wanna be able to be friends...

[Mirko]

Originally Posted by Messed Up

Okay...maybe I did something really bad.

I said “Hi” to him on Facebook...

Can we still be friends? I’m still wanna be able to be friends...

Hi there! I honestly don't know where the fire is! You said 'hi' to him. Well, if you wanted to be friends with him, and try to get a friendship going with him, that was the right approach.

But, and reading through the rest of the thread, something tells me that you might want to move on from this. Given the (declared and undeclared) feelings that you have for him, it might be a good idea to create some more distance between the two, and then maybe try having a friendship.

[Yuya]

There seems to be a gap between the posts. Are you guys still together or have you broken up with him already?

[Messed Up]

It’s a VERY grey area, Yuya. VERY grey.

He was never my boyfriend...but I think we were on that road, like, we started to get there and then something happened and he changed...but, I honestly think he’s scared of being “not straight”. I mean, I WOULD NEVER IN A BILLION YEARS OUT HIM, NEVER! But, what hurts is that I think we both thought this could have led to “something”...significant. He told me once that he had a boyfriend (I honestly don’t remember much but they broke up and I think it was because the other guy was a douche/ maybe cheated on him, something of that nature etc.) and I know in my heart of hearts I cannot even fathom doing that to another (guy or girl). Maybe he’s scared of being hurt, being gay or bi, I sure as Hell don’t know. So, I feel I’m being cheated out of a chance which is why I’m fighting so hard. He’s so distant. I talked to him today for a split second and he has a lot of schooling ahead of him this week but I mean, Hell, if he was even studying to be a freakin’ astronaut (which is difficult but he’s not) even astronauts need friends and even relationships, right? One part of me is like “Tell him you can’t do this, and you want to cut ties from him forever” and then the other part is like, “I don’t want to cut ties because what if I do and we go through another two years of missing each other before we start this dance again”. Because as I said earlier, we loss touch and longed for each other during that time only to find each other again and reveal our true feelings which were exactly the same.

OR OMG, EPIPHANY...

Do you think it’s because we’re young and stupid!? OMGsh! Revelation! Not I feel stupid...

[Filip]

Well, hinting and hoping are all good, but at some point, someone will have to stick out his neck. And neither of you is doing that here.
It's all well and good to hope for something out of a romantic movie, where everything moves along even if the protagonists aren't actively doing anything, and they realise they love each other at the exact same moment, but in reality, it doesn't work that way. Everything, even a common friendship, requires some effort and taking some risks.

To you, this smalltalk is invested with a lot of meaning. To you, it means "I still think about you!" or "I'm really wanting to get into contact". But he's not a mindreader. To him, it looks like smalltalk! He's not you, so all those thoughts that are apparent to you are totally oblivious to him. Over the internet, it's worse even, as you totally lack the body language to show your "hi" or "how are you" is invested with an extra meaning.

If he isn't interested, then it looks like not particularly urgent smalltalk, and if he is interested, it might even have the opposite effect (with him thinking "awww, seems I missed my shot and smalltalk is the best I can hope for").


So, you're basically left with two options:
- Over FB, things are unlikely to suddenly drastically change. So you could decide to cut him off, and either defriend him or keep him as a reminder of good things in the past, but not make any special efforts anymore to contact him.

- Stick out your neck. Don't stay in the realm of risk-free online smalltalk and let him know that you were just pondering the good times you had and that you think you should meet up again (preferably already propose a date and time that works for you). If he decides he doesn't want to meet up at all, then there's your answer. If he does, you'll get further in one face-to-face meeting than in months of FB message-swapping.

[Messed Up]

I was thinking of telling him how about a hot chocolate date (LOL) when it snows here at a local coffee shop around Christmas time so he has time from now (early November) to process everything, study for school (Christmas time school closes), and decided whether he wants to go or not.

Sound like a plan?

[Mirko]

Originally Posted by Messed Up

I was thinking of telling him how about a hot chocolate date (LOL) when it snows here at a local coffee shop around Christmas time so he has time from now (early November) to process everything, study for school (Christmas time school closes), and decided whether he wants to go or not.

Sound like a plan?

I think it sounds like a plan, but I would leave the date part (and the expectations that come along with it) out of it. I would just ask him for a casual get together first.