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Help me

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by zmt, Nov 2, 2011.

  1. zmt

    zmt
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    Hello,

    I am a closeted homosexual who no one would ever expect to be gay. Over the past few weeks in english class we have been reading fun home, a graphic memoir about the complex relationship between a lesbian girl and her very much in the closet father. The memoir takes place in a rural and conservative town in pennsylvania. In class today, the teacher asked if we thought the father was an anti-hero, that is, if we thought he was a coward for never coming out of the closet and lying to his family. Nearly every person in the class said what a liar and coward the man was for cheating on his wife and lying to his children. I was the only kid in the class to even raise the point that he was not a coward or a liar, he just had no other options growing up in such a conservative area. I could not really talk too much though because I was about to break down and cry. In essence, all of the kids in the class were calling me a LIAR and a Coward. I too lie everyday about my true sexual identity with my friends and family and am too afraid to come out of the closet except to a close friend. Am I a liar? Am i a COWARD!? what should i have said? this is one of the lowest feelings I have ever felt in my life.

    Thank you for your help
     
  2. Rinamir Mortem

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    Join the club. Unfortunately, rather than swallow my pride I waited until I was out of my conservative area before I began coming out.

    However, it depends how you feel. Weigh up the pros and cons of coming out and think how you would. Would only coming out to your family make you feel better than only coming out to your friends or would both make you feel better? Sometimes, a little self exploration is the best approach to take.

    As for your class, do not think that they are calling you a liar. They are calling the fictional character a liar. One would understand if you had a wife and kids but the link is only tenuous otherwise.

    Do not beat yourself up about this. It can all be easily resolved with a few words in the right places.

    Besides, did you receive any other kind of sentiments about Homosexuality in your class? If you did it may help you determine a course of action.
     
  3. 55

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    I don't know if I can help, but I can speak from the perspective of the father. I have been him for 35 years. Have I felt like a coward and a liar ever since I realized my homosexuality a few years into my marriage. Yes! I blamed many factors for keeping me closeted, and yes, fear was chief among them. BUT, I'm a very good person! I don't lie about anything else in my life. I value honesty and integrity above everything. The crux of the situation is that society and culture have made being gay such an ugly, hated thing that staying hidden meant not having to endure that hatred. So if staying closeted makes me a coward and a liar in the eyes of those who don't understand, then I'm guilty. But if they truly understood the struggles, stress, and anxiety I've felt all these years, and how their judgement played a part in keeping me hidden, they wouldn't be so quick to judge. They have no basis for comparison in their free, straight lives.

    I'm making plans to come out to my family and I can't wait for the day. I'll feel better about myself when that happens. But I'm not bad!

    The words that have played in my head whenever I've felt like scum are the lyrics to a David Bowie song titled "God knows I'm Good" from years ago. It was about an old woman who was forced by circumstances to steal food. She knew she was doing wrong, but also knew what she had to do to survive.

    "God knows I'm good,
    God knows I'm good,
    God knows I'm good,
    Surely God won't look the other way."

    Hang in there, zmt.
     
  4. J Snow

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    Well it sounds like you are still in high school, and if that is the case you have NO reason to feel guilt. I didn't even come out to myself as bi until I was 20. Then I had to realize I was more likely gay, and only after all that was I ready to START coming out to others. Yet still I'm way ahead of some others. You have so much time to come out.

    Not to mention, I agree with you. Society is the one persecuting the protagonist of the story for you lit class. We mustn't forget that. We cannot allow ourselves to blame the victim.
     
  5. BenKent

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    it's not fair to think of yourself as a coward or a liar. I am in a similar situation (about being the last person people think would be gay) and I have felt that feeling of shame where I am too scared to come out. You may just not be ready, there is no deadline for coming out, and waiting until you're truly ready will only make it better for YOU. and in this situation that's who matters most.