romantic orientation vs sexual orientation

[dreamcatcher]

Hey everyone! So through looking at several posts and reading some articles on the internet, it seems that romantic orientation and sexual orientation do not necessarily go hand in hand. I know some people define themselves as biromantic which I believe means that you can fall in love with both sexes but only find one sex sexually attractive. I’m extremely confused about this as I thought love resulted from a combination between the emotional and physical connection with the person (with the exception of asexuals). I was just wondering can you have a relationship with someone you love but are not sexually attracted to? From several studies, sex has shown to be pretty important in a relationship and many people break up because of sex. I just don’t see how sexual orientation and romantic orientation can be mutually exclusive when the two of them combined seem to make the difference between really good “friends” and “more than friends”. I know absolutely nothing about love so forgive me if I am being ignorant but does anyone have any explanations for this?

[Owen]

A full-bodied relationship (in most people's views) is comprised of both emotional attraction and sex, so but the two aren't necessarily connected. Sure, sex is better with an emotional connection, and emotional attraction can lead to sex if it is mutual and sexualities are compatible, but they don't need to come together. To try to demonstrate how the two can be detached, let me tell you about the time I fell in love with a girl. (I'm biromantic and homosexual).

I got to know this girl very well. She was a really good friend, and we confided in each other a lot. She also had a thing for me, which is probably part of why it was so easy for me to fall for her. We eventually reached a point where I just liked everything about her. I liked talking with her, I liked the connection we had, the honesty we used with each other, everything. We even kissed on the lips a couple of times, but the minute it started to move beyond that, I wasn't comfortable and couldn't continue it. That's because the sexual attraction wasn't there to allow me to enjoy going farther. We could have had a relationship if we were both okay with it not being sexual, but that wasn't the case.

The thing about romantic orientation is that it's hard to figure out, because you can only really judge it by which people you fall in love with, and that doesn't happen as often as you looking at someone and thinking, "They're hot." I myself would probably assume that I was homoromantic if it weren't for that one experience. Of course, it doesn't all have to do with love: I do enjoy snuggling with girls. I enjoy the closeness in our friendship that that shows. That's one of those romantic things that you don't need sexual attraction to do.

[Chandra]

Originally Posted by dreamcatcher

I just don’t see how sexual orientation and romantic orientation can be mutually exclusive when the two of them combined seem to make the difference between really good “friends” and “more than friends”.

I don't think it's that they can be mutually exclusive, just that sometimes they don't overlap neatly. Romantic love is, of course, very often closely tied to sexual attraction - but not always, and that's where the idea of biromantic (or homoromantic, or heteroromantic) feelings comes in.

You may be having trouble with this idea because it hasn't happened to you - and it may never happen to you. But it does sometimes happen to other people. For me, sexual and romantic attraction are usually very closely tied, but there have been one or two cases where I felt all the usual emotions related to a romantic infatuation (definitely stronger than anything I've felt for someone I would consider just a friend), but wasn't really feeling much on a sexual level. So I find it easier to understand how these types of situations can happen.

Remember also that there are people who identify as asexual - not sexually attracted to anybody - yet they still fall in love and want to have meaningful relationships.

[J Snow]

I do believe romantic and sexual orientation CAN be different. I think its very possible that someone can be homosexual but heteroromantic and vice versa. However it always seems to be that case I hear of. People who are sexually interested in the same sex, but romantically interested in the opposite sex.

Its my opinion that most of these feelings are not caused by a real internal preference, but rather from early societal expectations. People come out about being sexually attracted to men, but their whole life they've envisioned their life with the opposite sex, and they've seen the same sex as platonic friends. So even though they admit they are sexually attracted to the same sex, it can be hard to get rid of those built up expectations.

So its my belief that these difference can be either natural or simply society. I know what I first started dealing with my sexuality I considered myself straight for a long time because even though I had a lot of homosexual fantasies, I couldn't envision myself falling in love or even kissing a man. However I've been in a relationship with a man for almost 14 months though, so I could count as an example I suppose.

[thecat06]

For me, I can emotionally connect with men, but I'm only sexually attracted to women. I originally thought that I was bisexual, but with time I have realized that I am not.

[NoPlanB]

I'd consider myself slightly biromantic. I'm currently in love with a girl but I have no sexual attraction to her whatsoever. :/

I could see spending my whole life with her and I'd gladly give up sex if that's what it took.

[Gravity]

I've noticed this distinction in the forums too, and initially I was just as confused by it. For me, romantic and sexual attractions have always been complimentary - can't have one without the other. I guess I'm coming around to the idea that some people do have one without the other. All in all, not a huge leap to make since I already realize that some people are hetero and some people are lgbt - just another piece of sexual diversity (aww).

[Chouchou]

Originally Posted by thecat06

For me, I can emotionally connect with men, but I'm only sexually attracted to women. I originally thought that I was bisexual, but with time I have realized that I am not.

I am the same way. I remember one or two men to whom I was emotionally attracted, but I don't find men's bodies attractive and don't relish the idea of kissing/touching them. As for women, I am attracted to them emotionally and physically; I find the thought of kissing them and touching them to be appealing. (I'm a virgin, so I don't know in that way.)

[jsmurf]

Very often I personally feel more "romantic" in the presence of girls than guys, even though I'm sexually attracted almost mainly to the latter.

But I'm not sure what role social conditioning plays in all of this...

[dreamcatcher]

Originally Posted by Jon Snow

Its my opinion that most of these feelings are not caused by a real internal preference, but rather from early societal expectations. People come out about being sexually attracted to men, but their whole life they've envisioned their life with the opposite sex, and they've seen the same sex as platonic friends. So even though they admit they are sexually attracted to the same sex, it can be hard to get rid of those built up expectations.

I was thinking this same thing, that people are conditioned to be in love with someone of the opposite sex despite the fact that they are homosexual. However, based on what Owen and Chandra were saying then this may not always apply and people do genuinely fall in love with someone of the opposite sex even though they are homosexual. I guess I just find this extremely confusing since I was commonly led to believe that sexuality was more rigid than it actually is.

It also leads me to wonder that which one is really more important in a relationship, sexual orientation or romantic orientation? I've read articles on mixed orientation marriages where some men genuinely fell in love with their wives but feel no sexual attraction (didn't see anything about a lesbian with her husband). And normally they end up divorcing even though they love each other because the sexual orientation part is so important. Which is why it seems to me that if you are both not asexual, you need both the romantic and sexual attraction to the other person in order to have a successful relationship. But then there are some people like, Noplanb, who said he would give up sex for the woman that he is in love with so I'm assuming that this may depend on the person? Also, if there are people with no sexual orientation but a romantic orientation (aka asexuals), then are there people who have a sexual orientation but no romantic orientation? Where would they fit into this?

Also, can there be some kind of a "switch" in regards to sexual orientation or romantic orientation. I've read about some women who were lesbian their who lives and then fell in love with a man as well as some women who were straight and then fell in love with a woman. In a case like this, would it be the sexual or romantic orientation that changes?

Ahh sexuality is so confusing!! and complex so I keep wondering where I fit in all of this. For example, let's say I choose to identify as a lesbian and then I find out I can fall in love with guys. Could I develop some sexual attraction to this guy based on my strong feelings of love? And if I could develop sexual feelings for this one guy would I now be considered bisexual even though I never had any sexual attraction to any other guys? It just seems you can spend you whole life subscribing to a certain identity and then realize that you're not entirely who you thought you were.

[NoName114]

woah this is confusing XD, All I Know is I like guys both ways, and the most I go with a girl is a friend XD

[J Snow]

Originally Posted by dreamcatcher

I was thinking this same thing, that people are conditioned to be in love with someone of the opposite sex despite the fact that they are homosexual. However, based on what Owen and Chandra were saying then this may not always apply and people do genuinely fall in love with someone of the opposite sex even though they are homosexual. I guess I just find this extremely confusing since I was commonly led to believe that sexuality was more rigid than it actually is.

It also leads me to wonder that which one is really more important in a relationship, sexual orientation or romantic orientation? I've read articles on mixed orientation marriages where some men genuinely fell in love with their wives but feel no sexual attraction (didn't see anything about a lesbian with her husband). And normally they end up divorcing even though they love each other because the sexual orientation part is so important. Which is why it seems to me that if you are both not asexual, you need both the romantic and sexual attraction to the other person in order to have a successful relationship. But then there are some people like, Noplanb, who said he would give up sex for the woman that he is in love with so I'm assuming that this may depend on the person? Also, if there are people with no sexual orientation but a romantic orientation (aka asexuals), then are there people who have a sexual orientation but no romantic orientation? Where would they fit into this?

Also, can there be some kind of a "switch" in regards to sexual orientation or romantic orientation. I've read about some women who were lesbian their who lives and then fell in love with a man as well as some women who were straight and then fell in love with a woman. In a case like this, would it be the sexual or romantic orientation that changes?

Ahh sexuality is so confusing!! and complex so I keep wondering where I fit in all of this. For example, let's say I choose to identify as a lesbian and then I find out I can fall in love with guys. Could I develop some sexual attraction to this guy based on my strong feelings of love? And if I could develop sexual feelings for this one guy would I now be considered bisexual even though I never had any sexual attraction to any other guys? It just seems you can spend you whole life subscribing to a certain identity and then realize that you're not entirely who you thought you were.

This might be relevant to your interests. The whole episode is on youtube if you are interested.

+ YouTube Video

+ YouTube Video

Originally Posted by NoName114

woah this is confusing XD, All I Know is I like guys both ways, and the most I go with a girl is a friend XD

I second to this. I like and even dream of my (imaginary) mr right in sexual and romantic way. Sometimes I think of sensual things like having wild sex with him, but sometimes romantic ones, like travelling together, romantic dinner, visiting our families, playing music together, playing video games, or simply just me laying on his chest as we cuddle together watching the sunset.

For women, I may love them (I love my sisters to death) and I love one close female friend that sometimes we call each other, meet for lunch, shop together, gossip (hehehe), but it's not a romantic feeling at all. It's more of a friendship.

[Owen]

Originally Posted by dreamcatcher

Also, can there be some kind of a "switch" in regards to sexual orientation or romantic orientation. I've read about some women who were lesbian their who lives and then fell in love with a man as well as some women who were straight and then fell in love with a woman. In a case like this, would it be the sexual or romantic orientation that changes?

The trouble with sexual and romantic orientation is that they only take on any kind of meaning when they are realized and acted upon. Rhetorical question: is there any difference between a liberal and a conservative if they have never encountered politics or political discussion? The same principle applies to our orientations. This is where things get complex, because we can't access our sexuality or romantic orientation directly; we can only figure them out going by our past history. I have only ever been sexually aroused by men, so I call myself homosexual. I have fallen in love with both men and a woman, so I call myself biromantic (I really call myself panromantic, because I don't see why I couldn't fall in love with a genderqueer or trans person, but I've never had the chance to test it).

So, if you have some kind of mentality or mental block that makes you think you could never fall in love with members of a certain sex (be it ingrained homophobia, or a bad experience with one member of that sex, or just shyness), you'll never put yourself in positions where you can fall in love with those people, so you'll never get to know whether that potential exists within you. But if that inhibition changes, you might open up to the possibility of falling in love with a sex you previously hadn't fallen in love with. Though a "switch" hasn't really taken place in this case, it can seem like it has. I don't know whether a real "switch" can take place in regards to your ingrained sexuality or romantic orientation, but being that they are defined and demonstrated by our actions and our history, both of which are influenced by things other than our orientation, they can certainly seem to switch.

Originally Posted by dreamcatcher

Ahh sexuality is so confusing!! and complex so I keep wondering where I fit in all of this. For example, let's say I choose to identify as a lesbian and then I find out I can fall in love with guys. Could I develop some sexual attraction to this guy based on my strong feelings of love? And if I could develop sexual feelings for this one guy would I now be considered bisexual even though I never had any sexual attraction to any other guys? It just seems you can spend you whole life subscribing to a certain identity and then realize that you're not entirely who you thought you were.

Love can make you enjoy doing things with that person that you wouldn't enjoy doing with another person of their sex (as happened with me), but there's no hard and fast rule that says, "If you fall in love with them, you'll start to enjoy these things, but not these things." It really is different for everyone. When I fell in love with that girl, I wasn't comfortable going farther than kissing on the lips. By contrast, the last guy I dated told me that he only enjoyed the sexual things we did (suffice to say we did more than kiss) because he was attracted to my personality, and that he can't be attracted to a guy unless he gets to know them personally (I'm assume that's not the case with girls).

As for labels, just choose whichever one you think fits you best. Don't worry about whether other people would "consider" you bisexual; does the label of "bisexual" accurately describe your experience with your sexuality? Does it ring true for you? If so, go with it; if not, find one that does. Or just say "Screw it" and call yourself pomosexual (a label for those who reject labels for sexuality). The thing is that sexuality really is a spectrum, and though that can be intimidating for some people, especially if they're trying to figure out who they are and are intimidated by the myriad of choices, it can be liberating, too. It says that you are who you are, even if there isn't a label that accurately describes it.