being in the closet and having women being interested in you sucks

[needshelp]

it also sucks when there's people such as coworkers all in your business, asking about "do you like her?" they also like to ask from time to time if you have a girlfriend or whatever.

now add coworkers with family and friends that are anticipating the day you tell them that you have a girlfriend or you finally are having sex with a woman.

i'm not ready to come out the closet and i know that saying that i'm gay will have serious consequences being that majority of these people that i'm talking about are homophobes. it's like i'm trapped in a situation i won't be able to get out of without losing something. one thing i regret is how i would complain to my brother and my friends about not getting any women and basically playing a straight guy when i wasn't. how the hell can i be myself when there's pressure to be someone else?

and on another note, there's nothing worse than your own parents anticipating the day you get married to a woman. my mom loves to bring up "is this how you're going to behave when you have a wife?" she too is homophobic as well where she shows utter disgust whenever she hears about gay rights and sees two guys or girls kissing on tv shows. i find myself getting sad as well as frightful when she does that. my father does the same thing as well. damn, i just can't win.

[Rooni321]

Oh god parents are the worst when it comes to them not knowing I'm gay.

My mom and I are in love with 'The Ultimate Fighter' and UFC stuff and she swears its because the guys are 'hot'. I actually like the sport and don't like guys so there's always this awkward moment where I can't really agree heh.

Or when friends are like 'if you do this, I'll find you a hot guy"
So annoying.

Its a hard life being in the closet.

[needshelp]

Originally Posted by Rooni321

Oh god parents are the worst when it comes to them not knowing I'm gay.

My mom and I are in love with 'The Ultimate Fighter' and UFC stuff and she swears its because the guys are 'hot'. I actually like the sport and don't like guys so there's always this awkward moment where I can't really agree heh.

Or when friends are like 'if you do this, I'll find you a hot guy"
So annoying.

Its a hard life being in the closet.

yes, exactly. they make it worse because you know they're not going to take it well with all the time and energy they put into making finding someone into an issue. even lying about everything makes it worse because you have to follow through with it. that's one thing that i learned about being straight. you have to follow a certain checklist society sets for you such as dating x amount of people, acting a certain way, and etc.

[thevedman]

Oh man I totally know what you mean. I've just moved to a new place and had to go through the whole 'Do you have a girlfriend?' 'Why not?' 'Is there anyone you like?'

I find it particularly awkward if a girl does become interested in me, because I really don't want to hurt her feelings but obviously there is no way it's going to work out. This used to happen quite a lot to me as well, because I get along well with girls, and I act straight (sorry I know people don't like that expression!), so it's never obvious that I'm gay (to straight people anyway) and we get on well, and occasionally the girl thinks what a nice guy and then hopes for something more... thankfully this hasn't happend for a little while and I've kind of promised myself that now if a girl does want a relationship with me then I'll be honest and just say that I'm gay. But it can be really awkward, and I've felt really guilty about it in the past.

And I can totally sympathise with the parents thing, my Mum in particular really likes the idea of me getting married and having kids so she can be a grandmother... I would love to be a father one day, but obviously not in the 'married to a woman' way that my family would like!

[PerfectInsanity]

One of the last girls that showed interest in me before I came out was a fellow grad student who shared the same office space as me. What's worse is that when I saw a couple of friends from my undergrad who hadn't seen me in a while, they asked if I was dating any girls and I lied about "something going on" with this woman (luckily they didn't know her). I felt like such a piece of crap. Although I had been lying to my friends the whole time I was in the closet, that time I noticed my delivery of the lie was half-assed. At the time I was feeling ready mentally for coming out, even though I didn't, but I felt so uncomfortable lying yet again. It seemed so pointless to defend the hollow lie anymore. I still haven't come out to those two friends yet, but I don't see them around since they're in far away states now.

At a certain point you've got to start being yourself and looking out for your own interests, no matter what people's reactions might initially be. Even if they might have a negative reaction in the short term, hopefully they'll come around eventually once they realize that post-closet, you're the same person that you always were. Realistically, the relationships you have with these friends and your family are already not in that great of a position....you're feeling compelled to lie about yourself while living in fear of how they might treat you once they know. It's fear of the hypothetical. How is this situation really any better than how it might be once you come out? Worst case scenario, either they'll actually be upset over it OR you'll continue on with perceiving how they might be upset over it. With the latter option there's no room for improvement though. It will always hang overhead like a dark cloud. That's precisely one of the big reasons I decided to come out. It's just the "worst" case scenario though....it doesn't mean that that's the way it will all go down. Hopefully you'll be pleasantly surprised by positive, supportive reactions from the ones who truly care about your well-being.

Hang in there!!

[Chouchou]

It does suck. Many of my family friends are looking forward to the day I show them my future husband or walk down the aisle to a nervous groom. My parents tell me that if I were thin, the guys would be all over me. They have no idea how much I cringe inside each time they say these kinds of words to me, and it takes all the willpower I have to crack a fake smile before changing the subject or walking away.

The frustrating charade we have to keep up just to make others happy is a type of enslavement, in my opinion. Society is making us live exclusively for others at our own expense, purportedly for "our own good", and it's disgusting. It's disgusting that some have to hide just to save their lives.

Sorry for the downer post. I hope that an opportunity for escaping your situation arises sooner rather than later. Before it does, let the reality of a better future in waiting motivate you to keep on going during these difficult times.

[Austin]

Just get ugly and the girls won't like you. Grow a gross beard, don't shower as often. Get a bad haircut.


As for the questions. You can just say they aren't interested and you're not sure why.

[Rinto]

I feel you. For all I know, everyone in the family expects so much from me to have children early in my life so, as my mother and father say, they can still see them grow before the great light takes their souls away. I can't guarantee them that I can bring home a woman someday; it could even be a man. I can't tell them anything for sure 'cause I know, my life's too colorful for following the "straight" cycle.

And yeah, you could just avoid them by telling them you ain't interested in those kinds of things. Try telling you prioritize your work or family more, or your social life. Having a partner kind of pins you down

[Dewey]

I concur! Though I'm not fully in the closet, I'm not really out either. I know one really homophobic girl who has a crush on me...it's just really awkward and frustrating...

[BushHippie]

The part I hate is that some of these girls are beautiful but I don't find them attractive. Then you go on and never meet any men or they never approach you like that so it gets very frustrating.

[reallyrandomguy]

The funny part for me is, all my friends think that I'm hitting on this one girl I'm out to, or any other girl I'm just friends with. It's really, really awkward.
On Thursday, I was getting a ride home from one of these girls (Who is bi, but was talking about a cute girl she had seen earlier that day), and one of my friends made a couple cat calls. I've just come to accept the fact that that's what friends do: Try to see you hooking up with someone of the opposite sex.

[Z3ni]

Originally Posted by needshelp

it also sucks when there's people such as coworkers all in your business, asking about "do you like her?" they also like to ask from time to time if you have a girlfriend or whatever.

OMG this!

[kellymporta]

Luckily for me, my friends from college never bother me with this. However it is very awkward when my friends start having a conversation about dating or about their girlfriends. I mean, it's really very difficult to participate in the conversation if you really don't have any experience dating or flirting with girls.

However, with my family the situation is completely different. Every one in my family is always asking about when I'm going to get a serious girlfriend so I can get married. Yes, it is very annoying.

[Junkist]

Originally Posted by needshelp

it also sucks when there's people such as coworkers all in your business, asking about "do you like her?" they also like to ask from time to time if you have a girlfriend or whatever.

now add coworkers with family and friends that are anticipating the day you tell them that you have a girlfriend or you finally are having sex with a woman.

i'm not ready to come out the closet and i know that saying that i'm gay will have serious consequences being that majority of these people that i'm talking about are homophobes. it's like i'm trapped in a situation i won't be able to get out of without losing something. one thing i regret is how i would complain to my brother and my friends about not getting any women and basically playing a straight guy when i wasn't. how the hell can i be myself when there's pressure to be someone else?

and on another note, there's nothing worse than your own parents anticipating the day you get married to a woman. my mom loves to bring up "is this how you're going to behave when you have a wife?" she too is homophobic as well where she shows utter disgust whenever she hears about gay rights and sees two guys or girls kissing on tv shows. i find myself getting sad as well as frightful when she does that. my father does the same thing as well. damn, i just can't win.

In the same boat as you,mate... It's hard to response when girl likes you and you are completely in closet. And me too keep playing a straight guy by complimenting how hot that and these girls are with my friends. And my mum is the worst when comes to commenting on Elton John,Adam Lambert,George Michael and the list goes on...

Life is just such a pain when there is secret haunts you around.

[Alex15]

Try getting dragged to family weddings and hearing the never ending "wheres your girl" "your next!!!" " or the " man I bet you can't wait for YOUR honeymoon/wedding" all the while I'm just thinking "if you only knew... And yes it does suck to be physically attractive to girls sometimes.

[Lexington]

Some women do tend to get drawn to gay guys. Why? Because you're "nice". You don't look at their rack like a starving man looks at a ham. I've ended up befriending several rather attractive women, and one of them said she got a bit of grief about it. "Why are you hanging around those gay guys all the time?" She responded, "Because, believe it or not, they treat me like a person." And that about sums it up.

As far as your family and friends go, I'll only say that family is as family does. And friend is as friend does. When Jesus gave the parable of the good Samaritan, it was at a time when Samaritans were considered the lowest of the low. The point of that parable was that a "neighbor" was the one that showed kindness. If any of your friends choose to cast you adrift when they find out you're gay, that doesn't make you a bad person - it makes them a bad friend.

Many people find it very easy to be homophobic in a vacuum. It's easy as hell to belittle those you think are far away. And many people only re-examine these beliefs once they're confronted with having one right in front of them. "I've always said gays are bad, but NH says he's gay." It may take a bit of time for them to mull over this bit of information, but people usually respond in one of a few ways.

1. Reject the premise. This is where they think you're joking, or try to convince you that you're "not really gay". Why do they do this? Because it retains the status quo. If they can convince you (or even themselves) that you're not gay, then they can still believe that "gays are bad, but NH is a good guy".

2. Keep the belief and reject the person. I'd be lying if I said this never happened. Fortunately, it seems it happens less often than we fear. It's far easier to do with somebody they don't know very well. If they're just getting to know Sue, and find out that Sue's a lesbian, they can cut all contact and keep the "gays are bad" belief. But if it's somebody that's closer to them, it's a lot more difficult to do. Having somebody that's an integral part of their lives come out as gay forces them to re-examine that belief, and it's a lot harder to slice that person out of their lives.

3. Change their beliefs. This isn't easy, for anybody. And thus you'll rarely see somebody completely drop their homophobia within seconds of your coming out. It's a process. They may need to mull it over, sleep on it, for days or weeks or months. But it seems most people do manage to go along this path to some degree. Some take baby steps, which is where comments like "you're OK for a faggot" or "you're one of the good ones" come into play. And it's easy to deride or dismiss people who do so. But I think it's best to encourage people along the path, rather than shut them out.

Of course, all easier said than done. You sound at least like you're getting in a better spot in accepting yourself. The more grounded you get there, the easier it'll be to come out to others. For now, feel free to keep deflecting the comments. "I'm getting a better idea on who I'm attracted to. Once I start dating, I'll be sure to let you know."

Lex

[Junkist]

Originally Posted by Lexington

Some women do tend to get drawn to gay guys. Why? Because you're "nice". You don't look at their rack like a starving man looks at a ham. I've ended up befriending several rather attractive women, and one of them said she got a bit of grief about it. "Why are you hanging around those gay guys all the time?" She responded, "Because, believe it or not, they treat me like a person." And that about sums it up.

As far as your family and friends go, I'll only say that family is as family does. And friend is as friend does. When Jesus gave the parable of the good Samaritan, it was at a time when Samaritans were considered the lowest of the low. The point of that parable was that a "neighbor" was the one that showed kindness. If any of your friends choose to cast you adrift when they find out you're gay, that doesn't make you a bad person - it makes them a bad friend.

Many people find it very easy to be homophobic in a vacuum. It's easy as hell to belittle those you think are far away. And many people only re-examine these beliefs once they're confronted with having one right in front of them. "I've always said gays are bad, but NH says he's gay." It may take a bit of time for them to mull over this bit of information, but people usually respond in one of a few ways.

1. Reject the premise. This is where they think you're joking, or try to convince you that you're "not really gay". Why do they do this? Because it retains the status quo. If they can convince you (or even themselves) that you're not gay, then they can still believe that "gays are bad, but NH is a good guy".

2. Keep the belief and reject the person. I'd be lying if I said this never happened. Fortunately, it seems it happens less often than we fear. It's far easier to do with somebody they don't know very well. If they're just getting to know Sue, and find out that Sue's a lesbian, they can cut all contact and keep the "gays are bad" belief. But if it's somebody that's closer to them, it's a lot more difficult to do. Having somebody that's an integral part of their lives come out as gay forces them to re-examine that belief, and it's a lot harder to slice that person out of their lives.

3. Change their beliefs. This isn't easy, for anybody. And thus you'll rarely see somebody completely drop their homophobia within seconds of your coming out. It's a process. They may need to mull it over, sleep on it, for days or weeks or months. But it seems most people do manage to go along this path to some degree. Some take baby steps, which is where comments like "you're OK for a faggot" or "you're one of the good ones" come into play. And it's easy to deride or dismiss people who do so. But I think it's best to encourage people along the path, rather than shut them out.

Of course, all easier said than done. You sound at least like you're getting in a better spot in accepting yourself. The more grounded you get there, the easier it'll be to come out to others. For now, feel free to keep deflecting the comments. "I'm getting a better idea on who I'm attracted to. Once I start dating, I'll be sure to let you know."

Lex

If there is 'Like' button in this forum,I would have liked this post.

[needshelp]

Originally Posted by Lexington

Some women do tend to get drawn to gay guys. Why? Because you're "nice". You don't look at their rack like a starving man looks at a ham. I've ended up befriending several rather attractive women, and one of them said she got a bit of grief about it. "Why are you hanging around those gay guys all the time?" She responded, "Because, believe it or not, they treat me like a person." And that about sums it up.

As far as your family and friends go, I'll only say that family is as family does. And friend is as friend does. When Jesus gave the parable of the good Samaritan, it was at a time when Samaritans were considered the lowest of the low. The point of that parable was that a "neighbor" was the one that showed kindness. If any of your friends choose to cast you adrift when they find out you're gay, that doesn't make you a bad person - it makes them a bad friend.

Many people find it very easy to be homophobic in a vacuum. It's easy as hell to belittle those you think are far away. And many people only re-examine these beliefs once they're confronted with having one right in front of them. "I've always said gays are bad, but NH says he's gay." It may take a bit of time for them to mull over this bit of information, but people usually respond in one of a few ways.

1. Reject the premise. This is where they think you're joking, or try to convince you that you're "not really gay". Why do they do this? Because it retains the status quo. If they can convince you (or even themselves) that you're not gay, then they can still believe that "gays are bad, but NH is a good guy".

2. Keep the belief and reject the person. I'd be lying if I said this never happened. Fortunately, it seems it happens less often than we fear. It's far easier to do with somebody they don't know very well. If they're just getting to know Sue, and find out that Sue's a lesbian, they can cut all contact and keep the "gays are bad" belief. But if it's somebody that's closer to them, it's a lot more difficult to do. Having somebody that's an integral part of their lives come out as gay forces them to re-examine that belief, and it's a lot harder to slice that person out of their lives.

3. Change their beliefs. This isn't easy, for anybody. And thus you'll rarely see somebody completely drop their homophobia within seconds of your coming out. It's a process. They may need to mull it over, sleep on it, for days or weeks or months. But it seems most people do manage to go along this path to some degree. Some take baby steps, which is where comments like "you're OK for a faggot" or "you're one of the good ones" come into play. And it's easy to deride or dismiss people who do so. But I think it's best to encourage people along the path, rather than shut them out.

Of course, all easier said than done. You sound at least like you're getting in a better spot in accepting yourself. The more grounded you get there, the easier it'll be to come out to others. For now, feel free to keep deflecting the comments. "I'm getting a better idea on who I'm attracted to. Once I start dating, I'll be sure to let you know."

Lex

thanks lex. i'm going to copy and paste this in my microsoft word file need this for later because the time is coming. not coming out when i'm ready which isn't anytime soon but i might as well start preparing anyways.