I came out late. Please help?

[andcelinasays]

Hi. If anyone is reading this, I'd really appreciate your thoughts. I'm really struggling and don't know what to do
I came out of the closet just last year (at 24). Before that, I was in a long term relationship with a man (who I really did care for). Being with men never felt right to me but I refused to accept that I was lesbian, I forced any thoughts of women out of my head as best I could and constantly told myself that I could "beat the gay" In high school, I dated boys and secretly had crushes on girls. I never told anyone.
To "beat the gay" I engaged in a lot of promiscuous activities with men, none of which I'm proud of and none of which ever made me feel good. I became more and more depressed. I felt as though I couldn't live with myself anymore -not just because I was gay but because I was lying to everyone (especially myself) that I was gay.

I finally decided to admit to myself that I was attracted to women and at 24 I came out -much to everyones shock. But my mom took the news really well and my friends and family have been really supportive.

I felt incredible for the first time in my life. I finally felt genuine about myself. After I had been out of the closet for only two months I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. We completely hit it off and started dating seriously.

Our relationship would be wonderful except that she feels that i'm strange for not coming out sooner. She says that my coming out story is unlike anyone else's -that lesbians don't date men for so many years and lie to themselves that way for so long. She says that since i was in a long term relationship with a guy that i can't be serious about being gay. she doesn't think I'm really gay. She resents me for my past heterosexual behavior. She also resents me for not going through the adolescent turmoil of coming out in high school that so many gay men and lesbian women experience. I don't know what to say to her. I feel terrible and confused again. I know the difference between being happy and being miserable and now that I'm out I'm really happy. I don't even think about men sexually. I know I'm gay. Sometimes she explodes at me in these angry outburst and tells me that she hates my past, that she can't respect me because of it. I don't know what to do. Am the only one who has experienced this? will other lesbians feel this way? What should I do? I don't want to break up with her. I love her.
Please give me your input. I'm feeling really low and I don't know who to talk to or where to turn. I'm glad sites like this exist.

Best,
Celine

[Messed Up]

Ummm...there is no such thing as “Coming Out late”. I’VE NEVER heard that in my LIFE! Nor have I ever heard of a partner telling her partner she’s strange for not coming out sooner. Now, you like her and I am over the moon for you but my honest opinion if anyone (girl, boy, straight, gay, black, white, whatever) degraded my personal experiences as not genuine or resents me for having explored my sexuality with the opposite sex they are not someone I wanna be with.

Now, the outbursts thing; I’m sorry but this is infuriating me. How dare she judge you as anything less than what you are? Is it easy being LGBTQ? I know it ain’t! So, you dated men. Good for you! You checked out every possibility you could and found out in the process you are undoubtedly lesbian. Maybe you live in a part of the world where you can’t just date the same sex out of fear of persecution. If I were in the country of my parents let alone the country of my ancestors I probably would have encountered an end that was less than happy (to put it euphemistically). If I were in your shoes I’d outburst right back at her- you are who you are and you shouldn’t have to apologize AND be made to feel bad about it! I’m sorry but this upset me terribly! I want to scream. Tell her exactly how you feel! Fight for your right to feel how you do! If she doesn’t understand that then she needs to do some personal work on herself rather then nitpick on your past. You can hate me if you want for what I’ve said but you deserve the best. And frankly, the way she treats you isn’t. Either demand the respect you deserve or...

[alan t]

Originally Posted by andcelinasays

She says that my coming out story is unlike anyone else's -that lesbians don't date men for so many years and lie to themselves that way for so long. She says that since i was in a long term relationship with a guy that i can't be serious about being gay. she doesn't think I'm really gay. She resents me for my past heterosexual behavior. She also resents me for not going through the adolescent turmoil of coming out in high school that so many gay men and lesbian women experience.

This is totally not true. I don't even know how she can claim this. As if everyone comes out in high school! There was not one out person I knew of in my high school.

Seriously there are millions of people who come out way older than you did.

You don't have to feel bad about this. Tell her it's unfair to say these things.

[Cymbrii]

Yeah I have to agree. She is absolutely wrong and the way she's behaving towards you isn't understanding or respectful at all. If I were you I would think long and hard about the relationship objectively and consider how she treats me, how I feel around her, whether she's controlling or abusive etc. because there's a possibility you're in an unhealthy relationship.

[EM68]

First of all welcome to EC. There is no such thing as coming out late. You come out when you come out. I came out when I was in my late 30's. I was in heavy denial for a long time until I could not deny it anymore. I came out when I was ready. There are a number of members that were married, had children then realize that they are gay and come out.

I am not sure why your gf is questioning you if you are really gay or not. Maybe with her circle of LGBT friends or acquaintances they all came out when they are young. My husband was married and has 4 children. I don't hold it against him at all. It is part of his past. This is something that you should talk to her about this. One of the first things I learned from being on EC is that coming out is not a race. There is no right or wrong time to come out.

[Doctor Faustus]

Hi Celine,

Good to meet you.

I'm largely with Messed Up on this one. It's never too late to come out, nor is there ever such thing as "coming out late".

Your girlfriend needs to recognise that not everyone might have had an easy time of accepting their sexuality as she might have done. Explain to her that the past should be irrelevant to both of you if you want to make the relationship work. If you feel her "outbursts" and her preoccupation with your previous dating habits are making it difficult for you and threatening the relationship, say so. Be honest and sincere but also empathetic. Understand that she may not have encountered someone with a history like yours before, but emphasise that going forward is the main thing: building bridges between you, not tearing them down. Stress your commitment to the relationship you're in right here, right now and for the foreseeable future.

Hope this helps.

Doctor F.

[silverhalo]

Hey I have to agree with what everyone else has said above. I didnt come out till I was about 26, I wasnt in a long term relationship with a man but I still didnt figure it all out and come to terms with it until then. I dont understand why you girlfriend has reacted this, im wondering if perhaps in the past she has been in a relationship with a girl who came out as gay later in life and then got cold feet so to speak and went back to be with a guy, not that it would give her the right to behave this way towards you. I think you need to sit her down and talk to her about why she feels like this, and explain to her how it makes you feel and perhaps get her to come on EC and read some of the stories here because I can assure you there are plenty of people who have come out post high school. You need to explain to here that its not ok for her to act this way but that you still really really want to be with her.

[Daisy1]

Hi and welcome!

First of all, I'll echo everyone else and say that 24 isn't late at all. I just started coming a few weeks ago and I'm 26. And there are plenty of people here who have taken another 10 or 20 years!

As far as your girlfriend, I actually had people say similar things to me last week. I think for certain lesbians - generally those who have known for their entire life - the idea that a gay woman could fall in love with a man is difficult to accept. For many who figured it out later, gay just didn't seem like a real option and so they didn't think about it as much as they might have.

This might not be entirely accurate, but I think it's interesting. A friend of mine told me she thinks the reason "gold star" lesbians are so concerned about our past relationships with men is because many of these women had really painful straight crushes as teenagers. They may have come out to a friend or confessed their love and had it go really badly. That makes them worry that even those who claim to be gay could cause them the same pain.

Hope that helps!
Daisy

---------- Post added 4th Dec 2011 at 08:08 PM ----------

PS. Not all lesbians are so concerned with this. My good friend came out in her late 20s as well and she has had plenty of girlfriends. I think many will ask questions at first to figure out "how gay you are" (their words) but the reasonable ones will get over it.

[kiersten]

Hi Celine! Welcome to EC!!! I dont think there is a such thing as a typical coming out story, so dont worry about that. Everyone is different, & that's what makes us all unique & special! As for coming out late, again, I dont think there is a such thing as being late for this sort of thing, since I just came out at the end of this June & Im 36 years old! But I was also really lucky like you, as I met a wonderful girl online & we immediately fell for each other. Even tho we only have an online relationship now, she is planning on visiting me this coming summer & we've been taking about her moving he permanently so we can be together. She lives in England & I am still absolutely stunned that someone as wonderful as her would do something like that just for me, but Im so glad I decided to come out, otherwise I would never have had her in my life at all. Dont spend too much time thinking about coming out late or being typical - I think there's no such thing as either!

[flymetothemoon]

Hi Celine!

First off, welcome to EC. I'd like to tell you that you are far from alone in coming out "late", although I don't think it's ever too late to come out. You have to do it when you are ready. I was 23 when I came out, and I'd been in a 3 year relationship with a man just before I came out. I'd never been with another woman, and I'd been with 2 other guys. I'm now engaged and getting married to the love of my life, and she's a woman, and I KNOW it's right and that I'm a lesbian even if she's the only girl I've been with and I had relationships with men in the past.

Your girlfriend may have come out sooner and had to deal with the turmoil of coming out young, but you had to deal with the turmoil of hiding that inside for all of those years. It was probably really tough on both of you, and she needs to try to understand that. maybe next time she gets upset try talking to her about how you respect that she had a hard time coming out when she was younger, but this things were also hard for you, and you would really appreciate knowing that she was supportive of you rather than her resentment.

[Noir]

Welcome to EC, Celine! Sorry you're having a rough time! I have to agree with everyone else on this one--there is no "wrong time" to come out, and it's unfair of her to judge you for your timing. I've heard there are even people who've come out at about 70 or 80--you've got nothing on them! Coming out should simply be when it's more painful for you to be in the closet than out. Like aspirin. xD

I can kind of relate to your girlfriend without thinking that she's right--when my best friend "came out" to me and admitted she might be bi curious, I did not believe her one bit. To tell the truth, I still don't. She's just always had boyfriends and she's always only gotten happy about guys...whenever she hints otherwise, it's always canceled out by something that happens with a guy. It makes me so frustrated sometimes, but I know better than to doubt her when she says something serious like that. As much as I try, I can't think of a single time she's intentionally lied to me--she just...doesn't need to, so why would she start with something like that? If she tells me she's bi curious, I'll believe her. If she suddenly comes up to me and says "it looks like I was wrong--I don't like girls," then I'll believe that, too. And hey, how can you prove or disprove something like that?

[needshelp]

well, considering that there's people outthere that realize that they're gay in their 30s, 40s, 50s and even later, you certainly didn't come out late. you came out at the right time. i agree that coming out at 16 or 15 would make life much easier then if you were to come out in your 20s but at the same time, at least you have had more time to know for certain you're gay or have an idea of who you are.

[starfish]

Originally Posted by andcelinasays

She also resents me for not going through the adolescent turmoil of coming out in high school that so many gay men and lesbian women experience.

This is one of those time where I have to pause and take a moment to reflect on what I am going to say.

We all have our path in this life. Some are hard, some are difficult, and others are down right tragic. No two are the same and the only thing they have in common is that none of them are easy.

[Rooni321]

I'll piggy back off of what everyone else said.
She was wrong, there's no wrong time to come out, there's plently of lezzies that are not as controlling or as concerned with the past.
But I should also add that there should be a respect factor included in your relationship. There needs to be a mutual respect and understanding for each other and it seems she's not giving you any, that's very unhealthy. Also, the past is just that, the past. It shouldn't have any say in what is going on presently or what makes your future. She should accept the fact that you are now gay and what's done is done and there is nothing anyone can do to change the past and she just needs get over it and MOVE ON.

And I'm sorry but if it really bothers her so much that you dated men then I don't understand why she's still with you, sounds like nagging or a need for drama.

Always remember, communicate!! This is a must, especially in lady relationships. She won't know this is how you feel unless you tell her. And if this continues then all I can say is, life is too damn short to be unhappy.


(I'm glad you found EC :])

[Dewthulu]

Originally Posted by andcelinasays

Our relationship would be wonderful except that she feels that i'm strange for not coming out sooner. She says that my coming out story is unlike anyone else's -that lesbians don't date men for so many years and lie to themselves that way for so long. She says that since i was in a long term relationship with a guy that i can't be serious about being gay. she doesn't think I'm really gay. She resents me for my past heterosexual behavior. She also resents me for not going through the adolescent turmoil of coming out in high school that so many gay men and lesbian women experience. I don't know what to say to her.

Everyone's very different. She can't really be mad at you because you didn't come out in high school. You were afraid of the "adolescent turmoil". So you denied yourself, and went out with a guy. So what? Not everyone's able to face themselves all of the time. There are plenty of people who don't like something about themselves, so they hide it away, and refuse to come to terms with it. I tried to deny my feelings for guys for the sake of my girlfriend. I felt I was being unfair to her by looking at other people, especially guys.

Tell her that you weren't exactly proud of yourself, for liking girls. So you hid it away, and ignored it. You went out with guys because you thought it was what you should do, even though you didn't like it.

[silverhalo]

I know I posted already but I just thought I would add surely having been through the coming out turmoil or having come up against difficulties should just broaden our minds to the fact that it doesnt matter if your different in whatever respect, we have to accept each individual for who they are.

[adam88]

A coming out is never late, Frodo Baggins. Nor is it early. You come out precisely when you mean to.

[malachite]

I didn't come out til I was 26 so BEAT YA!.

There is no time limit on when you need to come out, so try not to beat yourself up. You're GF needs to head your head out of......where ever she is hiding it. Just because you didn't come out sooner is no downer on you.

Don't let people look down on you for WHEN you came out chances are they had more support then you did.

[andcelinasays]

wow everyone. Thank you so much for your supportive replies. I have a lot of communicating to do. I'm so glad I joined this group. You all are wonderful.

[silverhalo]

Well seeing as you are a member that must make you wonderful too.