Dating Older Guys

[gerard333]

Completly new to this site, so not sure what to expect reaction wise but hopefully it'll be supportive and insightful as this is something I haven't figured out how to deal with for well over 3 years now.

Basically I'm a 22 year old guy who only likes older guys i.e 45 plus. Don't know why, just always have. My boyfriend is 48 who i've been seeing for 3 years.

My problem is that I would like my parents to actually know his real age but can't bring myself to do it. I came out 4 years ago to them and shortly after meeting my bf, i told my mam he was 25, which she completly freaked at saying that was "too old for me". So i've been taking baby steps with her in regards to my sexuality, but how long do I have to wait until she is remotely ready to here I like older guys, if I should even tell her at all.

Anyway, I'd love to here someones thoughts on this as it might help me out as to what I should do.
And please don't suggest to try younger guys, as it's the equivalent as telling me to try women.
Thanks

[Doctor Faustus]

Hello Gerard! Welcome to the site!

I can see why the age gap might be problematic, but tbh, if you and your bf are fine with it, I don't see any reason why your mum should intervene. I mean, after all you're an adult and capable and independent enough to make your own decisions in life.

You could try telling her in writing if you find that easier. Explain to her how much you love him even if she might think the difference in age is too great. You don't HAVE to let her know, but I mean she is your mother. No matter how seriously you take her advice, just remember she's only looking out for you and has your best interests at heart. She doesn't want this guy to harm or take advantage of you (which presumably isn't the case).

... But seriously, I'd want someone a little younger myself. Maybe 22, 23 at most right now? xD

Hope this helps. Feel free to write to me if you want.

Best,

Doctor F.

[Mimerio]

My sister's in a similar situation, although the gap isn't as big, she is 31, he is 44, I think as long as you both are happy together, age shouldn't make a difference, but be prepared for any negative remarks you may come across!

[Homo Novus]

Oh my gawsh, I thought I was alone. So here's the scoop... I'm 20 years old. My girlfriend's 38 years old. We get along super great, and I love her with all my heart. To others, it seems like a huge age gap, but to me, she feels closer to my age than any other 20-year-old. We're just totally on the same level. Her maturity is one of her qualities that draws me to her the most, so the age difference really isn't a big issue to me. My mom knows, and she's totally ok with it (something that surprised me, because she's always been highly protective!). The key is to sit down and have a chat with your folks and make them realize that you're both in the relationship for the right reasons, and that you both understand the difficulties and challenges associated with your relationship (i.e., different maturity levels if that applies, different groups of friends, different values, etc.). Tell them that you're aware of these issues and that you've discussed them and that your relationship works for you both, and that you're very happy. They should, in theory, be relieved to hear your honesty and to hear that you're being responsible in taking charge of your own happiness. And hey, feel free to PM me anytime. I've been through it. Take care, and good luck!

[squally89]

Hi Gerard333,

I am 22 as well and the last two guys I dated was 35 and 37. And my parents never knew my ex's age, although I would occasionally "cough" and say it.
My friend's never approve of my relationship with older men, but I don't know, age doesnt bother me, as long as they are mature and know what they are doing in their lives lol (You will be surprised on how many guys in their 30's can act like children)

For me the reason why older men never seem to workout is because I believe I am a huge risk to them. E.g. lets say after 5 years you guys break up, you will still be very young meanwhile they will be much older than the present. Is wrong for me to say this really, because I don't want to put economic market value to relationship, but the reality is that older men tend to have harder time finding relationships than younger men.

Ultimately, for me, the reason I no longer wish to pursue a relationship with a older fellow is bc my achievements and goals are simply not aligned to theirs. For example, I want my partner and I to be saving up money for that "condo or house" and have our first home together. Or work together to achieve something together only someone in my life stage can obtain. While dating older men for me was SO GREAT (to be honest), I always feel underachieved and that I had to "close this gap". Yes I know is stupid and I should not think like that, but unconsciously it was always there for me.

The truth is with my ex, he was much much more established then I am, and earns more money than me (and he never made me felt inferior), but I worked hard and now I am somewhere only a handful of 22 year old are. Is interesting bc although I have closed the gap on this level and have become extremely mature for my age, the backlash is that, now is hard for me to find someone around my age to connect with. I have mentally aged myself too rapidly, meanwhile I am stuck in a 22 year old body lol

[gerard333]

An encouraging start! Thanks all for responding.
I think it's the fact there is a number of different ways to approaching it, that I can't tell which is the right one.
When I came out, it stunned my Mam and took her a long time to get over that fact. I think part of me is scared that if I tell her that I like older, that all the progress she's made (though minimal) will be undone.
Another part of me thinks that if she has made so little effort in wanting to know anything about him, then why bother telling her anything about his age.
Thanks so much for your responses, still completely unsure though to be honest.

Speaking of negative responses to the age thing, most people are completely fine but I have been called a freak and gold digger while my partner has been called an awful lot worse by some. I still find it extraordinary that certain members of the gay community have no tolerance for something different when they themselves cry out for tolerance from the rest of society just for being gay!

---------- Post added 5th Dec 2011 at 03:16 AM ----------

---------- Post added 5th Dec 2011 at 03:17 AM ----------

Hi Squally89,
Thanks for your message.
Alot of what you said, I can completely relate to. I find I have become very mature for my age something which is often been highlighted to me. The goals of my partner are very different to my own also, as my life and goals are still just beginning, he has a fairly good idea what he wants from his.

However, you say that you don't want to go with an older guy any more. I am only attracted to guys +45 so there is not alot I can do about the older/younger relationship problems as they will always relate to me (for the next 20 years anyway!)

I think you should still give older guys a chance though. They are mature, know what they want, and above all, very sexy

[starfish]

If you mom has ever met your boyfriend she knows that he is not 25. So I think she knows.

Even if she dosen't why does why does she need to know. My parents don't know that I like tall guys with brown eyes, and I can't imagine why they would ever need to know.

[Vivi]

If your mum is as uninterested in your relationship as you say, I personally wouldn't be rushing to tell her. I mean, I suppose it's going to come out sooner or later but it doesn't sound like she's going to take it well no matter how you tell her. Maybe you could wait until she's a bit more comfortable with your relationship? I don't know how likely that is to happen...

[orlaith]

Age is a difficult thing. I'm 23 and my girlfriend is 30 and although I haven't discussed it with my Mum I'm sure it bothers her. I expect she worries about it getting too serious too fast, especially as my girlfriend wants children and I'm not ready yet. But at the end of the day, I'm happy with her and she's happy with me and that's what matters. I think being honest with parents is important because although its not going to stop them worrying (that's impossible btw) they'll at least know what they're worrying about! My girlfriend lives in Mexico and I'm in England so my Mum worries about me living my life through a computer screen. Be that as may be its the only way we can keep in touch and we are making plans to live in the same country as soon as we can. And that's the best we can do.

I think the easiest approach is to sit down with your Mum and be open honest. Tell her about your boyfriend and explain that you are predominantly attracted to older guys. This will stop her having false hope and at least then there will be honesty between you. What she worries about after that is out of your hands. That is a choice a person makes when they decide to become a parent.

Good luck!

[jimL]

I would be very surprised if she didn't know that he is much older than 25. Not many guys that are 45 look to be 25. So I guess my question is why do you feel like you need to tell her. Love is love. If you get along and really care about this guy then it is only you and you alone that need to know. It's no one's business. I have heard of couples with larger age differences than yours in relationships that have lasted decades. Just be happy!