dating/virgin diaries

[dreamcatcher]

Hello everyone! So I was unfortunate enough to watch the virgin diaries on TLC last night and I felt like I was in a horror movie more than anything else. Because of how ridiculous the people were portrayed and how the virgins were looked down upon, it really scared me that this could potentially be me in the future. Granted I'm still 20 so I still have long ways to go before I become a 30 or 40 year old virgin. However dating is sort of the thing in college and I have about a year and a half left. It just seems dating gets harder as you get older and it's sort of like college or your late teens is supposed to be the time when you learn how to date.

So as usual, this brings me to my next series of questions. If you met someone that was a virgin in their 20's, would you think there was something wrong with their personality, or that they just didn't find the right person? How about 30's and 40's? Is there a difference between how virgins are looked at in the gay community vs the straight community? How about between lesbians/bi and gays/bi? Also if anyone saw the virgin diaries, feel free to comment on the show and what you thought about it.

[Daisy1]

I would not panic about this. Gay people have fewer opportunities to enter relationships and have sex than straight people. It's not a question of personality.

Now for some numbers: of the gay women I know, one had her first lesbian sex probably around 20 (I don't know for sure), another at 24, another at 27, and I'm 26 and still haven't slept with another woman.

And none of us are weird.

[dreamcatcher]

But did you all date men before coming out? I've only been on one date ever and have never had a boyfriend/girlfriend. I feel like people are more understanding if you're gay and never dated someone of the same sex, but dated someone of the opposite sex before coming out. But I feel like people may find it weird if you're gay/straight but never dated anyone of either sex. Some friends I've had thought I was weird because I've never had a boyfriend before (not that they knew I was gay, I didn't really know at the time either)

So in our sex crazed society, I keep wondering that when I do start dating, people might think there is something wrong with me because I haven't had a relationship, ever. I've even overheard conversations in which people said they would never date someone who hasn't been in a relationship because there has to be something wrong with them. It's slightly unnerving :/

[Daisy1]

No, I don't think people will think you're strange for never having dated. Some people will prefer it (see thread on girl whose girlfriend hates that she used to date men).

You're in a tough spot, right? You know you don't like men and you're not out, so how could you date women? Don't put pressure on yourself to do the impossible. I think all these things will be easier when you are more comfortable with your sexuality and at least partially out of the closet.

---------- Post added 5th Dec 2011 at 06:02 PM ----------

PS. Gold stars are a badge of honor amongst lesbians. (Look it up!)

[dreamcatcher]

Originally Posted by Daisy1

No, I don't think people will think you're strange for never having dated. Some people will prefer it (see thread on girl whose girlfriend hates that she used to date men).

You're in a tough spot, right? You know you don't like men and you're not out, so how could you date women? Don't put pressure on yourself to do the impossible. I think all these things will be easier when you are more comfortable with your sexuality and at least partially out of the closet.

---------- Post added 5th Dec 2011 at 06:02 PM ----------

PS. Gold stars are a badge of honor amongst lesbians. (Look it up!)

Yeah I see what you mean. I did look up the gold star lesbian thing and I came upon effingdykes blog. The description was quite hilarious! Apparently there is also a silver star... Well, I guess this makes me feel special lol.

[Daisy1]

Glad to help

[adam88]

My boyfriend was a bit shocked to find out that he was my first at 29... but he got over it quickly.

Don't worry about it.

[Filip]

Don't ever put stock into a reality show. They're usually shot especially as an excuse to make fun of people. You don't get viewers by showing images of normal people going around their daily business. So the creators are always going to find the "odd one out", or at the very least shoot people to make them appear so.

And in my experience, there's some people who'll think it's somewhat odd to not fall precisely into the statistic, but no more than that.


Frankly, if a guy would demand experience, it shows he's more concerned about his own enjoyment than about who he's enjoying himself with. Which is rather a turnoff on my side...

[Rosina]

Originally Posted by Filip

Frankly, if a guy would demand experience, it shows he's more concerned about his own enjoyment than about who he's enjoying himself with. Which is rather a turnoff on my side...

^ This. I couldn't agree more.

[Mari83]

I'm a 21 year old virgin. I have never dated anyone. And I have never told a soul that I am lesbian. So I'm kind of in your same boat.

[needshelp]

well, there's nothing wrong with being a 20 year old virgin. just because someone isn't having sex or isn't in a relationship doesn't mean that there's something wrong with them. i think something that happens when you get older while you're a virgin that may or may not have any dating experience is that you start to view sex and a relationship as something more meaningful than just doing it to say you done it, at least for me that is.

[Zontar]

I'm still a virgin...I think anyway (is it never having done anal?)...at an age where it's very embarrassing to be. I know I've had nothing to do with it because 1) nobody ever is interested in me, and 2) the kind of people I'd like to fuck don't really seem to exist around here.

Let me tell you a little something about these reality shows. They're freak parades. They hide under the guise of helping these people by throwing some celebrity therapists in there who are entirely ineffective. They put these shows on TV for people like me to make fun of when we're drunk with friends. Anyone with the slightest amount of self-respect isn't going to seek help by going on television and announcing to the entire country that they're still a virgin at whatever age.

So, do yourself a favor, and take your experiences from actual people, not toothless white trash looking for their big break on TV.

[Pinstripe]

Let me just chime in and say that I lost my virginity at 20, nearly 21, so I don't think it's a weird age to still be a virgin. And I've never done anything sexual with a woman.

I think our culture places too much of an emphasis on virginity. After I lost mine, I was grateful for the experience, sure, but I didn't feel like a different person. Sex is just an activity, it doesn't define people. I think you have to accept yourself for who you are, virgin or not, and it'll happen in time. Whatever you do, I would not suggest being in a hurry to lose it just for the sake of losing it. I really think sex is better when there's some sort of emotional connection involved.

As far as just dating goes, I don't think the importance of being yourself can be stressed enough. I know our culture puts a huge emphasis on dating as well, but in my experience it's a lot like making friends, but in a slightly different context. Conversation is key, so finding someone with some shared interests is step one.

[Chouchou]

To answer your first question, no, because I am a 20-something virgin. Nothing is wrong with not having lost your virginity by your 20s.

If I met a 30- or 40-something virgin, I would probably assume that the right person hasn't come along. There's no doubt in my mind that for every person with a certain set of interests and personality traits, there is at least one person with similar qualities.

It's so true that this society is sex-crazed. Being 30- or 40-something and a virgin is considered a badge of shame or ridicule. Why losing virginity early is even an unspoken requirement to be "normal", I don't know. All I know is that no one's truly normal, and there's no shame in waiting.

[kirbycat]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but based on the commercials I've seen for Virgin Diaries (I haven't seen the actual show), my impression was that the people they highlight choose to remain complete virgins for religious reasons - which is different than simply not having found the right person yet.

I'm a 20-something virgin, and I don't think there's anything wrong with my personality I've found that the longer I wait, the more meaningful sex (and a relationship in general) becomes to me, which increases my desire to make sure that when I DO give it up, it's with the absolutely right person! Of course, I still deal with my fair share of impatience too...

The second person I ever dated was really nervous on our first couple dates because he thought I'd gone out with tons of guys in the past. When he found out that I hadn't, he was surprised (a nice ego boost for me!) and also relieved that he didn't have a bunch of great past boyfriends to measure up to. And while I'm not a lesbian, speaking as a woman in general I can say I have no problem dating a virgin. It's a lot less baggage to worry about, for one thing.

On a side note, I think it's also good to remember that being a virgin doesn't mean you can't enjoy your sexual side. The more comfortable you are with your body now, the better sex will be when it does happen...at least, that's what I tell myself!

[BudderMC]

20, never had sex, never been on a date, been asked out once (granted, I would never ask someone out while I was/am closeted, so it's a bit one-sided), and certainly haven't ever kissed anyone. I could count the number of times I've been kissed by non-family on one hand.

To put it simply, if you think you're in trouble, then I'm royally boned (except not, since I wouldn't be in trouble then, but you get the point )

[dreamcatcher]

Oh Wow! I'm surprised this thread is back here lol. It's refreshing to see so many people here not putting so much stock in the concept of virginity. Just so everyone knows, I'm obviously not saying this show is a reflection of reality. Rather, I'm saying it's reinforcing a concept that I have seen quite frequently throughout my lifetime:which is that there's something weird about being a virgin after a certain age.

I don't know if this ever happened to anyone but basically where I grew up (raised in the caribbean, not the US), it was always rather strange if someone was still a virgin past a certain age and they weren't religious. For example, my friend's boyfriend never had a girlfriend until my friend showed up (he was in his 20's). Because of this, his parents were always harassing him and asking him if he was gay because for some reason, society deems it weird to be 30 and never have been in a relationship. My aunt is a 40 year old something virgin and when she's told some guys this, they get sort of put off and well... run. Clearly these guys weren't good for her in the first place but my point is that virginity seems to be more of an undesirable trait (well in western society) whereas back in the olden days, it was seen as something pure. Funny how the times change.

But like you all said, I'm not gonna worry too much about it. I'll get around to it eventually.