To be or not to be the bigger man than a homophobe?

[Montrose101]

Hey all.

So here's the deal. I recently moved to a new country for a two year long internship to help me finish my PhD. I won't say where because I don't want to advertise the place. But that's not the point. I am an out and proud gay man. Not that I am of the belief that this is the most important aspect of my person, but even though I don't wear it on a banner, it's something I am not afraid for people to know and make no effort to hide. Just thought I should lay down a little foundation before we get down to the real nitty gritty of my current predicament.

Since I arrived I've managed (not a small feat considering the "climate" of the place) to gather a small, but very good, fist of friends that are both gay and straight. My work keeps me pretty swamped so I don't need a lot of people. Thing is, there's a problem surrounding one of my friends. He used to be the boyfriend of my girlfriends but we became friends independently, and as such, we've been integrating each other into our respective friendship circles. All of my friends really like him. He's very straight, but he's also very cool and intelligent and I thought everything was going well.

Then the other night he introduced me to a few of his guy friends and everything went to hell. There was a guy there who circled me like a vulture the whole night, finding fault with everything I said and kept making snide little comments about me and my sexuality. At first I tried to ignore him, but he clearly took this as a sign of weakness and recruited a few more knuckledraggers into the fun. Finally I had to confront him on it, and the fool went nuts. Calling me names and accusing me of trying to seduce our mutual friend. I believe his word was recruit. I finished my drink, told him to go himself and left the party.

Next day, my straight guy friend called me to apologize. And offered what I'm sure he thought was an explanation. The other guy (who happens to be his best friend I might add) was drunk, he's been hit on by a gay man (yes singular) before and didn't handle it well. Blah blah woof woof.

So now my question is. What do I do? I really want to confront this guy and set him (no pun intended) straight. I am not violent. And I don't start fights. But it stands to reason that I'm going to run into this fool again, and if he gets in my face looking to start something again, I can finish a fight just a well as the next guy. Problem is, I'm afraid a full on confrontation between me and this idiot will negatively impact on my friendship with my guy friend. What do I do?

[Filip]

Hello, and welcome to EC!

I'm getting the impression that your guy friend does already know what kind of person his best friend is. He wouldn't be calling you to apologise otherwise. So I'm pretty sure he will not put the blame on you as long as it's obviously his friend insisting on being disagreeable.

I think that, if it were me, I'd still wait for the first sign of aggression on his part if you next meet. Maybe your friend did have the opportunity to talk to him about how unacceptable his behaviour was, or maybe he's more approachable sober.

If he does start, it might be best to give him one way out. The "agree to disagree" speech: "You might have had bad experiences with gay guys in the past, but I'm not those guys. Likewise, I have had bad experiences with straight guys, but that doesn't mean I think all straight guys are bad. So if we can't get along, let's just ignore each other, OK?"

After that, unless he physcally gets violent, I do think just quitting his presence seems advisable, letting your friend know that you don't think things are going to mesh with this guy and that you decided to keep some distance from his usual group of friends.
Because, no amount of head-on confrontation is going to convince him he's in the wrong. Only seeing that you're not, in fact, what he fears you might be is going to change his mind.

Obviously, the above is ssuming you're most likely to meet him only when your common friend invites you both to the sme place.
What's the odds you'd run into him in other settings, though?

[Montrose101]

Thanks man. I was thinking along those same lines. But it's nice to hear it from someone else. I just don't want to take a wrong step and end up escalating the situation. I do seem to find myself in the double edged situation of being the "gay ambassador" among these people.