Is it offensive? - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered people coming out

Danny19 · 10th Dec 2011, 02:08 AM

hey guys i dont know if there is already a thread for this, but im just going to post this. I was looking at a blog and i saw that some people founded offensive and ignorant for someone to say "I want a gay best friend". So im curious to see if anyone else feels offended by this?

in my opinion i dont think its offensive at all. I think its cool, and like someone on the blog said its better to have that than "you sinner" type of reaction. So I dont mind it one bit.

so what are your thoughts??

Jonathan · 10th Dec 2011, 02:12 AM

I don't find that the least bit offensive.

J Snow · 10th Dec 2011, 02:23 AM

Not any more so than I do going around saying I wish I had more straight (well really the straight doesn't matter) female friends. Which I do.

fiddledeedee · 10th Dec 2011, 02:29 AM

Several of my friends say it, and nobody considers it offensive – it's funny, and one time they checked with me to make sure I wasn't offended. I agree with you, Danny, in that it's much better than some things that might be said.

electrolicious · 10th Dec 2011, 03:27 AM

I don't find it offensive in itself, but it makes me wonder about her motives. Is she assuming that if this person is gay, he's going to fit some stereotype and want to do "girly" things together? Or would she just prefer to have a male friendship where there is no chance of him becoming sexually attracted to her? If it's the latter, I can somewhat understand not wanting to go through that, although even then, she might be reinforcing the belief that straight men and women can't be just friends. However, if it's the former, she would be perpetuating the stereotype that all gay guys act in a certain, feminine manner, and I would most likely not want to be friends with her.

It's important for my friends to be open-minded and accept my sexual orientation, but I don't it to be the only reason that we're friends, nor do I want people to assume that I have a specific personality because of my attraction preferences.

malachite · 10th Dec 2011, 05:30 AM

anatta · 10th Dec 2011, 05:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by electrolicious

I don't find it offensive in itself, but it makes me wonder about her motives. Is she assuming that if this person is gay, he's going to fit some stereotype and want to do "girly" things together? Or would she just prefer to have a male friendship where there is no chance of him becoming sexually attracted to her? If it's the latter, I can somewhat understand not wanting to go through that, although even then, she might be reinforcing the belief that straight men and women can't be just friends. However, if it's the former, she would be perpetuating the stereotype that all gay guys act in a certain, feminine manner, and I would most likely not want to be friends with her.

It's important for my friends to be open-minded and accept my sexual orientation, but I don't it to be the only reason that we're friends, nor do I want people to assume that I have a specific personality because of my attraction preferences.

Yes, I personally wouldn't say it, specifically because it can be interpreted that way, even though I am a massive supporter of all men's right to be as feminine as they like, and of gender-variant people in general. Saying that sort of thing could actually be counter-productive in making masculine gay men resent feminine gay men, which unfortunately and unfairly does happen as a result of such generalisations.

You never know whether a closeted masculine gay man might be around who'd be made to feel invisible or like a tiny minority by the assumption that gay = gender atypical. Also there are significantly feminine non-gay men who hide their feminine traits in public and who might feel even more invisible, as they seem to get close to zero representation in the media and a lot of people assume they don't exist, that they're all just closeted gays or transsexuals.

Personally, I have several mildly to moderately feminine gay male friends and I do like both the fact that sexuality won't complicate our friendship so I can be more physically affectionate with them, AND the fact that they're more feminine than the average man and don't interact with me in a way that makes me self-conscious about not living up to gender expectations myself. There are a couple of slightly feminine men whom I think I would actually like to be, as someone who feels the average male and average female are both like different species to me altogether, which is another reason I'm drawn to them.

A feminine straight man or a masculine gay man would only tick one of those two boxes. The combination is actually what a lot of girls mean when they say stuff like that. They probably should be more specific but it's nothing a little friendly education couldn't solve.

DJT · 22nd Dec 2011, 03:59 PM

I personally don't find it offensive, but if i told a friend that i was gay, and she said that to me, i'd go out of my way to act as least gay as i possibly could. Just for the fact that i wouldn't be her friend anymore i'd be her "gay friend" :/

Hexagon · 22nd Dec 2011, 04:01 PM

Why??? Gay people are awesome. So are most people.

Allegro molto · 22nd Dec 2011, 04:05 PM

Well, in general, no. But I'm not going to be anyone's "gay pet", not do I have any interest in being one. If I'm going to be your best friend, I'm going to be your best friend. I'm not going to be your male best friend, your Black best friend, your gay best friend. I'm going to be your friend who just so happens to fall into certain demographics.

sugarcubeigloo · 22nd Dec 2011, 04:14 PM

Not really.

Although I haven't really had that situation arise for me yet, so I don't know how I would react.

My best friend happens to be a straight woman, but she's never called me that and I appreciate it. Even if she did call me her gay best friend, she would get a pass by now.

**Lexington** · 22nd Dec 2011, 04:15 PM

I'd rather be wanted than not wanted. But I'd rather be judged by my individual merits than to be assumed that I'll be a certain way just because I'm gay. So I'm sort of neutral.

Lex

GuardianKitten · 22nd Dec 2011, 04:28 PM

I kind of facepalm, but it's not the most offencive thing I've heard.

Cheria · 22nd Dec 2011, 04:47 PM

It's not offensive, per se. It can rub people the wrong way though. Coining the term "gay best friend" makes us sound like some new accessory that every straight girl must have.

Hana Solo · 22nd Dec 2011, 06:29 PM

I wouldn't find it offensive if they were like 'oh awesome my best friend is gay' rather than 'you're my best friend BECAUSE you're gay'

Asyl · 22nd Dec 2011, 08:52 PM

Yeaaah. I do. It annoys me, because it's always girls that want me to be there with them, just so they don't have to worry about sexual tension. They don't care about the fact that I have interests that differ from them, they just focus on the fact that I won't focus on them. I find it very much offensive. Maybe I'm just tasting the bad batch of "you're gonna be my gay best friend" girls. Ha.

IanGallagher · 22nd Dec 2011, 10:31 PM

Kinda, yeah, since it spreads the notion of the token LGBT guy. I'm bi, so I'm not sure if I would fit into this category since for girls I think part of it is the guy not being sexually into them. But, still being LGBT - it just seems to spread the notion that guys who like guys are vastly different from straight guys when we are basically exactly the same. Yeah, some guys you can tell - some are into more feminine things - but others you can't and aren't so I've just always hated that stereotype. Those kinds of girls don't seem to get that the straightest acting guy in the room could possibly be LGBT.

**Owen** · 23rd Dec 2011, 03:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by electrolicious

I don't find it offensive in itself, but it makes me wonder about her motives. Is she assuming that if this person is gay, he's going to fit some stereotype and want to do "girly" things together? Or would she just prefer to have a male friendship where there is no chance of him becoming sexually attracted to her? If it's the latter, I can somewhat understand not wanting to go through that, although even then, she might be reinforcing the belief that straight men and women can't be just friends. However, if it's the former, she would be perpetuating the stereotype that all gay guys act in a certain, feminine manner, and I would most likely not want to be friends with her.

It's important for my friends to be open-minded and accept my sexual orientation, but I don't it to be the only reason that we're friends, nor do I want people to assume that I have a specific personality because of my attraction preferences.

You put it better than I could; that's why I'd take issue with it, too.

crazyhead · 23rd Dec 2011, 12:27 PM

I'd only be offended if they just wanted me around to go shopping and to say how fabulous her shoes are. Outside of that, I don't find it offensive.

Messed Up · 23rd Dec 2011, 11:54 PM

I don’t find it offensive per se but I look for quality in a friend- not sexual orientation.

10th Dec 2011, 02:08 AM	#1
Danny19 Lets see what happens Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: i love boys!!! Out Status: Some people Location: Los Angeles Age: 19 Posts: 722 Join Date: Jul 2010	Is it offensive? hey guys i dont know if there is already a thread for this, but im just going to post this. I was looking at a blog and i saw that some people founded offensive and ignorant for someone to say "I want a gay best friend". So im curious to see if anyone else feels offended by this? in my opinion i dont think its offensive at all. I think its cool, and like someone on the blog said its better to have that than "you sinner" type of reaction. So I dont mind it one bit. so what are your thoughts?? __________________ “Whats meant to be, will always find its way"

10th Dec 2011, 02:12 AM	#2
Jonathan Formerly Muzzy Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Some people Location: Illinois Age: 20 Posts: 3,037 Join Date: Oct 2007	Re: Is it offensive? I don't find that the least bit offensive. __________________

10th Dec 2011, 02:23 AM	#3
J Snow EC Addict Regular Member Gender: Sex - Male, Gender -Female/bigender/not quite sure Orientation: Primarily interested in men. Out Status: fairly out about sexuality, gender not so much Location: Des Moines, Iowa Age: 22 Posts: 1,392 Join Date: Aug 2011	Re: Is it offensive? Not any more so than I do going around saying I wish I had more straight (well really the straight doesn't matter) female friends. Which I do. __________________ "You don't need to hide my friend, for I am just like you."

10th Dec 2011, 02:29 AM	#4
fiddledeedee 22/12-31/12+X! Full Member Gender: Complicated female Orientation: Bisexual Out Status: Most, sans Dad Location: England Age: 15 Posts: 1,128 Join Date: May 2011	Re: Is it offensive? Several of my friends say it, and nobody considers it offensive – it's funny, and one time they checked with me to make sure I wasn't offended. I agree with you, Danny, in that it's much better than some things that might be said. __________________ A problem should be measured not by the cause of the problem but by the consequences it has on a person. ~ Anfauglith

10th Dec 2011, 03:27 AM	#5
electrolicious Member Full Member Gender: Male (FTM) Orientation: Pansexual Out Status: Out to those who matter Location: Massachusetts Posts: 61 Join Date: Dec 2011	Re: Is it offensive? I don't find it offensive in itself, but it makes me wonder about her motives. Is she assuming that if this person is gay, he's going to fit some stereotype and want to do "girly" things together? Or would she just prefer to have a male friendship where there is no chance of him becoming sexually attracted to her? If it's the latter, I can somewhat understand not wanting to go through that, although even then, she might be reinforcing the belief that straight men and women can't be just friends. However, if it's the former, she would be perpetuating the stereotype that all gay guys act in a certain, feminine manner, and I would most likely not want to be friends with her. It's important for my friends to be open-minded and accept my sexual orientation, but I don't it to be the only reason that we're friends, nor do I want people to assume that I have a specific personality because of my attraction preferences.

10th Dec 2011, 05:30 AM	#6
malachite EC's realist Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Orlando Posts: 6,480 Join Date: Apr 2009	Re: Is it offensive? nope __________________ It's the 21st century, your bigotry is outdated. Either upgrade or go away.

22nd Dec 2011, 03:59 PM	#8
DJT EC Addict Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: I'm having adventures in Narnia, with Aslan Location: England - Preston Age: 18 Posts: 413 Join Date: Dec 2011	Re: Is it offensive? I personally don't find it offensive, but if i told a friend that i was gay, and she said that to me, i'd go out of my way to act as least gay as i possibly could. Just for the fact that i wouldn't be her friend anymore i'd be her "gay friend" :/

22nd Dec 2011, 04:01 PM	#9
Hexagon Bright Spark Full Member Gender: ?TM transguy Orientation: Panromantic Asexual Out Status: Pending review Location: Somerset, UK Age: 17 Posts: 1,051 Join Date: May 2011	Re: Is it offensive? Why??? Gay people are awesome. So are most people. __________________ When god has low self-esteem, does that make him an atheist?

22nd Dec 2011, 04:05 PM	#10
Allegro molto Kyoufu wo oshiete yarou. Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Kinsey 6 (100% Gay) Out Status: Officially told 1 person! Posts: 2,334 Join Date: Apr 2011	Re: Is it offensive? Well, in general, no. But I'm not going to be anyone's "gay pet", not do I have any interest in being one. If I'm going to be your best friend, I'm going to be your best friend. I'm not going to be your male best friend, your Black best friend, your gay best friend. I'm going to be your friend who just so happens to fall into certain demographics. __________________ In the end, I always end up alone.

22nd Dec 2011, 04:14 PM	#11
sugarcubeigloo Member Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Some people Location: Philadelphia Posts: 65 Join Date: Dec 2011	Re: Is it offensive? Not really. Although I haven't really had that situation arise for me yet, so I don't know how I would react. My best friend happens to be a straight woman, but she's never called me that and I appreciate it. Even if she did call me her gay best friend, she would get a pass by now.

22nd Dec 2011, 04:15 PM	#12
Lexington The gay gargoyle EC Advisor Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Colorado Age: 42 Posts: 12,372 Join Date: Dec 2007	Re: Is it offensive? I'd rather be wanted than not wanted. But I'd rather be judged by my individual merits than to be assumed that I'll be a certain way just because I'm gay. So I'm sort of neutral. Lex

22nd Dec 2011, 04:28 PM	#13
GuardianKitten Well Known Full Member Gender: Boy Orientation: 80% gay Out Status: People guessed. Location: Greater Philadelphia Area Age: 17 Posts: 200 Join Date: May 2011	Re: Is it offensive? I kind of facepalm, but it's not the most offencive thing I've heard. __________________ Hold on to the world we all remember fighting for. There's some strenght left in us yet Hold on to the world we all remember dying for. Theres some hope left in it yet Arise and be all that you dreamed. All that you dreamed

22nd Dec 2011, 04:47 PM	#14
Cheria にひひっ♪ Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Almost everyone Location: Illinois Age: 20 Posts: 636 Join Date: Mar 2009	Re: Is it offensive? It's not offensive, per se. It can rub people the wrong way though. Coining the term "gay best friend" makes us sound like some new accessory that every straight girl must have. __________________

22nd Dec 2011, 06:29 PM	#15
Hana Solo EC's Dear Abby- talk to me! Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Mostly into girls Out Status: Closet is getting a little crowded Location: Not even a dot on the Australian map Age: 17 Posts: 1,096 Join Date: Nov 2011	Re: Is it offensive? I wouldn't find it offensive if they were like 'oh awesome my best friend is gay' rather than 'you're my best friend BECAUSE you're gay' __________________ Thor: No matter what he's done, Loki is from Asgard and is my brother Black Widow: He killed 80 people in two days. Thor: ...adopted. ~The Avengers, 2012

22nd Dec 2011, 08:52 PM	#16
Asyl Member Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Openly gay, but not flamboyant. Location: Detroit-ish Posts: 48 Join Date: Nov 2011	Re: Is it offensive? Yeaaah. I do. It annoys me, because it's always girls that want me to be there with them, just so they don't have to worry about sexual tension. They don't care about the fact that I have interests that differ from them, they just focus on the fact that I won't focus on them. I find it very much offensive. Maybe I'm just tasting the bad batch of "you're gonna be my gay best friend" girls. Ha. __________________ Sometimes, playing Devil's Advocate is just a way to get people to think.

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
Offensive or hilarious?	Bario	Chit Chat	23	13th Oct 2010 06:59 PM
May be offensive to some but not meaning to.	pikachu1	Chit Chat	30	22nd Feb 2010 10:05 PM
You want a REALLY offensive song?	Janvier	Entertainment and Media	5	16th Dec 2008 01:32 PM
"Black" - Offensive or not?	Miaplacidus	Chit Chat	42	17th Jun 2008 10:10 PM

22nd Dec 2011, 10:31 PM	#17
IanGallagher The fluctuator Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Mutant and proud Out Status: All except work and extended family. Location: I fly as much as Superman Age: 24 Posts: 619 Join Date: Apr 2011	Re: Is it offensive? Kinda, yeah, since it spreads the notion of the token LGBT guy. I'm bi, so I'm not sure if I would fit into this category since for girls I think part of it is the guy not being sexually into them. But, still being LGBT - it just seems to spread the notion that guys who like guys are vastly different from straight guys when we are basically exactly the same. Yeah, some guys you can tell - some are into more feminine things - but others you can't and aren't so I've just always hated that stereotype. Those kinds of girls don't seem to get that the straightest acting guy in the room could possibly be LGBT. Last edited by IanGallagher; 22nd Dec 2011 at 10:39 PM..

23rd Dec 2011, 12:27 PM	#19
crazyhead flying away Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Texas Age: 22 Posts: 247 Join Date: Jul 2011	Re: Is it offensive? I'd only be offended if they just wanted me around to go shopping and to say how fabulous her shoes are. Outside of that, I don't find it offensive. __________________ "Dyin' is the day worth livin' for"

23rd Dec 2011, 11:54 PM	#20
Messed Up EC Addict Full Member Gender: Dude Orientation: “Well, I’m a little BI-FURIOUS!" Location: The Marvellous Land of Oz Posts: 556 Join Date: May 2011	Re: Is it offensive? I don’t find it offensive per se but I look for quality in a friend- not sexual orientation.