Yay! Another rambling session with yours truly :badgrin:. Joking, joking...but not about the rambling session. Just need to let out my emotions in some way since the whole counselor thing is now a no-go :dry:. Don't really mind, but it would be nice to have serious conversation with someone when I speak to someone about things that are bothering me. So...first topic: The posing as a boy. It brought up more confusion! That was not the plan; it was supposed to clear up at least a little confusion. But, alas, it did not. I did end up posing as a boy (Rhys) on a few sites. All the people completely bought it. And it was really enjoyable! But once I started posing as a boy, it felt...wrong in some way to reject that part of me, because I did end up getting really comfortable with it. I felt like myself. It didn't take long to adjust to the name of choice even though it is not similiar to my actual name in any way. It's very far from it...very far. But it was chosen because, in a story I'm writing, there is a character named Rhys that is incredibly similiar to me in some ways - he is based off me! Even though I'm completely happy about being a boy to others, I'm more confused and lost - now more than ever. Whenever I'm trying to get back into being a girl, it feels weird. Mostly because I sometimes forget that I am no longer Rhys. This ends up making me feel really strange. I'm just going to say it now...my name is Ana. Hello again, EC! :smilewave But anyways, it feels weird to make the transition from Rhys to Ana. I feel more comfortable as a boy, but I have no desire to change my body to look like one. I don't want to be seen as a boy to others physically, but I don't want to look like a girl to others. I want people to just see me as Rhys and Ana; as a person. I want them to know that, hey, I'm not a girl or boy, but I'm also both. And that is very hard to do because I look very much like a girl. And that's ok because I was born girl, but I'm not a girl...I'm just a human being. So it makes me really confused ! I want to be a boy, but have no desire to change my outward appearance to look like a boy. But on the same token, I like being a girl at times (mostly because I'm used to it), but I don't want to be seen as one. You know how difficult that is when you are not at all androgynous in any sense and don't want to be seen as the sex you are? I look and sound like a girl - there is nothing macho about me. Which actually sucks because I do feel macho. (Macho = Masculine. I just don't want to say it because it's longer and macho sounds cooler!). No one can see that, though. My mom, when she does notice, tells me to stop acting like a boy. And then others just laugh... :eusa_doh:. When I repress my macho side, I feel like I'm rejecting myself in some way :icon_sad:. And it sucks because I do it for my family; I want to please them. And I'm working on trying to get over that. Which is hard to do because I feel an immense amount of guilt for everything that I've done to displease them, so I try to please them as much as I can now. Even when it means sacrificing my own happiness. Like I said, I'm working on getting over that. So I'm going to bring out me as much as I can, starting with my wardrobe. It may sound like a weird thing to start with, but it has a lot of meaning to me; my mom pretty much has control over my clothes. This means that there are not many "boy" clothes. So I'll start small by getting plain shirts and regular jeans - nothing to alarming that would set her off. I don't want to wear those "girl" shirts that hug my "figure" or any of those really girly shirts. Don't get me started on dresses and skirts... Thankfully, my mom is cool with that, meaning that there is only 2 dresses that vacate a space in my closet. One is actually in a box right now :lol:. The situation with Creeper (my crush :eusa_shhh) is ok...she and Puppy are not together after all, never were! As mean as it is, I'm a little happy...but a little sad because she really likes him and wants to be with him. The reason I'm sad about that is because it upsets her a little. So it makes me a little upset :bang:. I will not be doing anything to get with her. I am very aware of the fact that she is straight (like all the girls I've crushed on so far). I refuse to be broken up about it. She's straight, there is nothing I can do. So I'll move on...eventually. As a teenager that has stuff going on inside with hormones, I do have me time...and she is often the person I imagine :redface:. But I'll get over it!...and move onto another [straight] girl, basing it off my luck so far. I told my "sister's" actual younger sister that I'm "gay." Her reaction made me laugh...you'd really have to know her to get why it's funny. But she does feel a little...uncomfortable around me now she says. And I understand that. Caramel kept telling her that I'm still the same person, but I told her that the uncomfortable feeling is expected. We'll be calling the little sister...JS. JS is an incredibly sweet girl, and I see her as a little sister - at most. My family and their's have known each other for 5 years now - 6 years in January. I have only family feelings for them. But I can understand JS's concern with me liking her more than that. Even though the idea is pretty crazy. Other than that...I have told no one else. But I'm actually thinking about telling everyone on Facebook :roflmao:. Which is stupid when you consider everything... So I resolved to only doing that if I get in a relationship and no one knows about my attraction to girls. Or when I move out and am 100% good with being myself! That will also be the day that I reveal my gender confusion (which I hope will be resolved by then). But I might not actually...if the whole "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" thing applies when I'm older, I will not be saying anything on Facebook. I do plan to go into the Airforce with Caramel when she turns 18. Yes, I am still a young one! But I'm older than her by a year :lol:. But I will let my extended family know when I'm older. This session is kinda serious...so I'm going to go onto lighter topics! Haircut situation is still a work in progress. My mom did not like the suggestion that you all gave :dry:. I was actually getting a bit excited about it! And then she shot me down. So that is still going! The search is on :icon_wink. Christmas time is seriously depressing me...which is a little weird! It used to not affect me, but it is this year. Maybe because of all the sappy Christamas movies with the people falling love. Why? Well...it's only with two straight people who are not at all questioning their gender. What about those of us that are not like that? But maybe I'm getting personal. Other than that, Christmas is ok. Egg nog is good, candy is good, the break is nice. I love the cold weather! You can just bundle up to get warm :icon_bigg. Vlogs...well those have always been a little interesting. So interesting that I'm considering making some! And posting them on the famous youtube. I'll keeo you all updated on that. If they are made, they will be of bad quality because I don't have little webcam or reliable camera. So my iPod is a nice choice . Yeah, look forward to that, people! Well that's all for right now..going to go and try to make a vlog xD Oh yeah, sorry for any serious mess ups, but I'm not in the modd to fix anything :eek:
