2012 is my year to shine.

Enough horseshit. This is the manifesto that will change everything.

If I have to live one more day as a miserable, closeted, lonely SOB, I'll never move forward in life. I've hit rock bottom and I believe it's high time to change. I've been through this same song and dance before, personally. About three times previously, I've vowed to change the way I do everything, that these were all "new starts."

But, this is the one that's going to work. On January 1, 2012, nothing will ever be the same again. I am going to change everything, and do the opposite of everything I've done up to this point.

As of this writing, the way I am living is abysmal. I'm still ten pounds overweight, deeply closeted, very lonely, and dead in the water. My life is on autopilot going nowhere remarkable. I've so much I want to be, and do, and have, but 99% of the problem was that I have no courage whatsoever to put any of it in motion. No courage to come out and face difficulty. No courage to ask anybody out. No courage to invest time and money into a business idea which could net thousands.

And especially no courage to stand up to my friends and family and be who I want to be without regards to their opinion. I've waited all my life for adulthood and when it came, I was left sorely disappointed. There are things I want to be that will rile them up. I want to be a bisexual man. I want to say men are attractive when I see them. I want to go out and pursue all my unorthodox interests, no matter how much they may unsettle them. I want to meet with the interesting people I befriend online. I want to look thin, and grow my hair long, and wear dark eyeshadow, and paint my nails, and dress the way I feel attractive. I'm an offbeat character running everything offbeat I want to be by a checklist of things that upset them, and I shall no longer bid their opinion a single iota of validity!

It doesn't stop in the home. I must overcome the shame society instilled into me, of pointless matters that are nobody's business but mine and sympathetic friends. I want to date my own sex without feeling guilty or like I shouldn't be doing as such. I want to be able to embrace my kinks without feeling dirty, or perverted, or disordered. I want to be able to walk out that door looking like who I want to and not giving a shit about what anyone thinks. To hell with my reputation. Is something I engage in consensually with myself or someone really going to irreparably harm my reputation in a progressive country such as the 21st century United States?

Is it truly preferable to live suppressing every bit of who you are, lest you fear the incursion of the misunderstanding?

So, that's it. This is what I must achieve in the year 2012. These aren't New Year's Resolutions, those largely ineffective promises you issue to yourself to quell your emotional pain. No, these are requirements, and each and every one must be fulfilled. This is the three-pronged plan I should've made years ago.

1. Make new friends in line with my interests.
I first did this two summers ago when I snuck out to meet with friends I made on the Internet. It was by far the best choice I made in life so far, but it eventually collapsed under the weight of having to conceal my activity from my parents, who believe that everyone online is waiting to kill me. This year, I will not be listening to them, and will be pursuing anyone I wish to know better.

2. Date one woman and one man.
How much longer am I going to be pretending everyone my age isn't having sex, simply to placate my emotions when confronted with how far behind I've fallen in my personal life? I'm well overdue to begin my sex life proper. The firm requirement in 2012 is that I indulge in all I wish to enjoy, and deal the death blow to my romantic deficiencies once and for all. I don't consider myself quite ready for true love just yet, so I want to keep things casual. I have the advantage of age on my side to ensure my first times with each go precisely the way I wish for them to go; safe, fulfilling, and casually with a good friend. This goes hand-in-hand with the first requirement; complete strangers are for noobs.

Now, admittedly, overcoming this could be the hardest thing I ever try. I've never been complimented once by anyone, much less gone on more than a handful of dates. I've finally resigned to the fact that, naturally, I'm horrible in the sex appeal department. I may need your help on this one, EC...I know you guys got good heads on your shoulders and together I can finally move on and stop being preoccupied with getting laid like I'm fourteen years old.

3. Succeed.
I haven't succeeded at a single thing in my life. I'm led to believe that, because of this, I haven't been born with any remarkable talents or abilities to achieve this end. I don't believe this is true anymore, though. Rather, I think I've come to realize there are areas which are underdeveloped and areas which are unable to be developed.

For example, I've been trying to draw well for years. Yeeeears. I think it's high time I finally throw the pencil in the trash. Not a single piece of artwork has ever yielded satisfactory results. Does this mean I'll never draw well someday? Perhaps, and that's why my energy would probably be better invested elsewhere.

There is an elsewhere, and that's what counts. My real dream was never to be an artist, after all. It was to be an entrepreneur! To invent! My one best skill, by far, is working the computer. I've spent five years short of a lifetime growing accustomed to how these machines work and how to make them do what you want. I've taken up the task of making an app for the Android Market...one that's better designed than any of the others in its class. Is it worth not exacting the effort on it simply because it may not succeed? NO! There is no real failure following an effort toward success. There is only a learning experience. If that app flops, have I lost the ability and knowledge I've gained in the progress?

Also, another thing. I write. Damn well. Ever since I was younger, my verbal abilities have been well above average. Starting about a few months ago, I've taken up the task of channeling my sexual frustration into writing erotic literature. The response to my stories has been very positive. I tried something new, and my confidence was boosted fivefold! I've finally found another thing I'm good at! With this in mind, I plan on writing a lot more, in all sorts of genres...naughty and nice. >:3

Maxwell Maltz wrote in his book, "Psycho-Cybernetics", of the different intelligences people possess. I believe that, if you spend your life without having found your intelligence, you'll forever languish in that contemptible fate of unremarkable mediocrity. I shall have no such thing!

If all goes right, I shall remember this as the best Christmas gift I ever gave to myself. Join me on my quest of self-discovery, EC. I'll write back here with all the progress I've made. Hopefully I can motivate others into doing the same and finally taking the initiative to break the cycle once and for all.