Thoughts Spilled Out

As you read, you may think that this probably needs to go into S&A, but I'm not asking for either, I'm just...typing. This isn't even a rant or ramble. This is just a thread about things I've been thinking; things that have been on my mind constantly.


I just want to say that I'm grateful for everything that is and is not in my life. I really am - even if I don't always sound like it.


Is it truly wrong to...fall in love? Or to fall in like (saying you aren't into the whole love thing yet)? Because that's how it feels sometimes: wrong. So many of us are brought up to believe that being anything but straight is...wrong. And sometimes, even after finally accepting myself, I can't help but feel that there is something wrong. No, I am not questioning my sexuality. But sometimes when I'm alone, I think about this and feel so utterly alone. I hate burdening people with things that are bothering me even if they say it's ok, I'm not bothering them at all. That's just how I feel. Which is a reason that I tend to try and deal with my problems myself because they are exactly that; my problems.
And there isn't really anyone I can talk to, as far as in person - the one thing that I honestly crave. I want to be able to talk to someone face-to-face and not feel like I'm bothering them. Even though I like to tough it out and just suck it up, it's nice to be able to tell someone things that are bothering you and that are on your mind. I can't bring myself to tell anyone that I'm not sure if I really am a girl.


Puppy is someone I seem to be talking about a bit more. So why not a little bit more? He is definitely someone who I'd consider my best guy friend. He's really great, supportive, understanding, and funny. But there's a problem: he tends to fake his emotions; he puts up this facade so people don't see how he's suffering inside at times. That is something that we have in common. I don't...like being real with people when it comes to my emotions in fear of them being able to see me. So in order to avoid that happening, I let people see me happy. For them to see my true, raw emotions is something that scares me to the core. SO I put up my mask. And I'd like to say I have perfected it, but that would be a lie. Even the best of us slip up. Do we want to admit it? No, never. But we do. Even in the smallest of things; things that seem unimportant. But the smallest of things can sometimes tell you more than you could imagine. In the Sherlock Holmes movie, he talks about why he pays so much attention to these small, seemingly unimportant details. And that's where most of us fail to hold up our mask. Try as we might, the mask will always slip.


Out of place. Black sheep. Odd ball. These are things that I often feel could describe me. In my immediate family, I'm the only girl of the 5 children. I'm the only child without a bible name. I seem to be the only one who's gay. And it seems that no one else in my family of 7 that questions their gender. I just don't seem to fit. It's more than things I've just listed. It really is. Interacting with my family is difficult at times. Even before discovering my sexuality. Throughout my short time here on earth, I never really felt that I fit in with my family; I didn't think the way they seemed to. My thought pattern, my words, my actions...they didn't fit. Do I have similiarities to my family members? Yes. But it seems to add to the alienation I feel for some strange reason. Even at 5 I felt that my family would be better without me in the equation. The thought has yet to go away.



Again, I love my life, I really do. But this is the only place that seems ok to spill feelings and thoughts that I've repressed.



My gender is something that's been bothering me lately. Sure I have girl moments, but it doesn't feel right to be a girl. After posing as a boy online, I moved to dressing as a boy. As best I could with the clothes that vacate my closet: girl clothes. They aren't girly, but they are definitely made for girls. Anyways, after dressing as a boy, the desire to become one came back from the grave. I still have no desire to go through surgery to change my body; this is the body I was given, I'll cope with it. But being a boy is much more appealing. At first I would joke with some people online when I was being my female self that I didn't want to be a girl at all. And it later hit me that I wasn't joking. It came as a shock when I started to say things about wanting to be a boy without even thinking about it.
Telling people I was a guy? It felt true. Telling people that I wanted to be a boy (when I was being a girl)? No need to even think about it. Rejecting the female me was easy. It still is. I honestly feel like one of those stereotypical gay guys when I'm being the girl me. And it feels so weird and wrong. But when I'm just being a guy, it seems natural. Sure there are some awkward moments. But that's really just because I was raised to be a girl, not a boy; being a girl is a familiar thing. And simpler because I am biologically a girl, so it's expected and, again, a familiar thing to do.



Alright, so that's it I guess!