Leaving EC [BEWARE long rant].

[xblacklightsx]

I HIGHLY doubt many people will read this or care. Instead most are probably gonna wonder "Who the hell is this guy ranting?" but I think this is necessary. This is necessary because Empty Closets has been A HUGE part of my life since I was fifteen. I remember it was only about a year since I came out and I didn't really know any other gay folks besides myself and it was also that year that I started using the internet a LOT more than I had in the past. On my websurfing I found this place and joined for the first time. I met people and got the support that I needed and eventually I left. Later on, about two years later, I rejoined under a new name and found the place a whole lot different. For one, back then you didn't need to become a full member to use the chatroom but that's far from the point .

During my couple of years here on EC, whether I was lurking, or posting something random and ridiculous about myself, I met a lot of people. Some more interesting than others, and some who honestly got under my skin. If you asked me last year how important EC was to my life, I would say that it was my lifeblood to the gay community. But now...well now I recognize I don't fit in the gay community. I don't fit in much anywhere but that's about to change.

Just in this past year, I realized a lot about my life, a lot about love, and a lot about myself. I'm an unusual kid. I don't like the same things many people do, my hair is always a mess, I don't think I'm that attractive, my sleeping pattern sucks, and my heart has been substantially broken by a guy who replaced me and probably doesn't give a single shit about me which hurts the most out of everything I just mentioned. I still have trouble sleeping and for the sake of all honesty I do miss him. I also went through several health scares, my car being destroyed (but not permanently), and school being a major stick up my you know what. But you know I'm still here. I still live and breathe everyday and find something to distract me until we die, just like we all do. I have my problems, and I'm not perfect. And EC made me realize that nothing is all that it seems. Through the connections I made with friends, I got a bigger understanding of how the world works rather than living in the bubble that I've lived in while I was in high school. But now I think its time to leave.

My reasoning for leaving EC is actually quite simple. Though I'm getting all the support that I could ever want, though its a place that is supposed to help me, its simply not. I could delve into the reasons why it's not helping me anymore but that would require me to name several names and I don't think its fair if I put people on the spot but the fact of the matter is I'm not happy here anymore. I'm changing and growing as a human being but still this resentment, this anger, and compulsiveness that I've been having are staying the same. That is why in order for me to grow, I have to leave this place behind. I have to find who I am and what makes ME happy. Several months ago this option would be TOTALLY out of the question but I know this is what I need to do in order to become who I want to be in the future.

I was in San Francisco this weekend because my friends were holding a small get together for New Years. I ended up having too much soda last night and I had trouble sleeping. It was around 6am and I ended up changing into clothes and leaving to go out for a walk by myself. I was able to see the sun rise over Market Street and, after making a HUGE directional error, found my way to Castro Street (the gay district for those who don't know). Though it was a small street and there weren't many people in there I found myself...happy. Not the kind of happy where it just lasts for a couple of seconds then there's a huge mental block but TRULY happy. I know I said I don't feel like I belong in the gay community, and I stick by what I say but for once my mind was clear of all the BS that's been happening. I saw a couple of gay couples holding hands, some adorable dogs, and a cute coffee shop that I would've gone into if I had brought my wallet. But in the end, I had a couple of realizations about my life:

For one, I'm a stronger person than I let on. There are so many different faces that I put on everyday for different people (as we all do) but I recognize the face that fits is the one who knows he'll get through his tough times. Without EC, it would have taken me MUCH longer to realize that.

Two, I definitely do not fit in the gay community. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough or maybe I really don't fit in much anywhere but I know my place is somewhere out there, far far away from this small but growing website and if I don't get out and find it, I might miss it.

And lastly, finding help is not something to be put a shame of. I need to put my best foot forward and sort out what's wrong with me and what's not and the only way to do that is therapy which I'm going to beginning seeking this year. I have a lot to say, a lot to fix, and its going to be a long road with many many tears and tissues and mushy moments. I'm not gonna say everything is gonna be perfect everyday but I can tell you, I go through days and even weeks where I just feel like I want to go into Carbonite. I'm never consistent and nothing in my life has ever been constant. I learned that a young age with my father leaving me and finding a new girlfriend and family to spend his time with instead of me.

But despite all the depressing things that have happened I can't deny all the good things. I have best friends, whom despite the fact we don't always see eye to eye on everything, I love and will still ALWAYS remain best friends with. I have a family who I know loves me and who's relationship will be improved upon in the coming years, and I have a pair of headphones that I can always use whenever I want to drown either of the first two out.

So as I say goodbye to this seemingly small but important part of my life, I feel like, as I do with a lot of things, question myself. Is this the right choice? What am I gonna do now? So for a couple of days I'm gonna leave this account here in the rare case that I do have some kind of reverse epiphany I can continue being on here as normal but I wouldn't count on it. Like the quote from Mean Girls goes, "I need to suck all the venom out of my life." And though EC itself isn't venom, its something that I need to take out of my life, because it will be better in the long run. Many of you people probably have no clue who I am, don't particularly care about me, or have no reason to see this, and honestly thats okay. This post wasn't for you guys. This post was for me and for my future. I know I'll get to a point where I don't need a man to make me happy and I can be independent and functional all by myself. And this is just the first step to that future.

[Raug]

Good luck :3 have fun

[stupidIvan]

I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm also glad you're taking an important step in your life towards your own happiness! Good luck, friend. :::: )

[Allegro molto]

Honestly, it's killing me to see you go....but I understand why, and I'll support you with every fiber of my being. You opened my eyes to a lot of things and you forced me to look at who I really am and what I need to do to start truly being myself (whether you know it or not) and you've been so encouraging to me.

...I'm at a loss for words, so I'll just be concise. You're one of the most amazing people I've ever met, and I'm so proud of you for doing what you feel you need to do.
You know I'll always be here for you. Don't give up.


~Bryan

[Rooni321]

Agreed. Good luck out there! I hope many good things come to you <3

-Lena

P.S.
Isn't Castro beautiful? Its was sent straight from the gay heavens! I went with my gf Wednesday and I was totally home. I cannot wait to go back for Pride or just to visit again soon (:

[Beertruck]

Very sad to see you go, but definitely glad you had this epiphany. Good luck!

[Random Dent]

The best of luck to you. Take care.

[breakingboxes]

I wish that I had gotten to know you more. good luck!

[starfish]

Hasta la pasta.

[heatqueen]

Good luck in the future!! I hope you find what you're looking for.

[Chip]

I'm sort of confused about your decision to leave, in part because, having reread your message twice, I don't really see how leaving EC helps you, or staying at EC hurts you.

The idea of "not fitting in to the gay community", if you're applying that to EC, makes no sense. This is one of the most diverse communities of gay people you're likely to find. We have people of all ages, sexual orientations, gender identities, people who are very stereotypical and people who defy all stereotypes. In short, there really isn't much of any particular attribute that would apply to all EC members and therefore nothing to which you wouldn't fit in.

If EC were a crutch in some way that, by leaving it, you'd overcome, then I could see that, but I don't see anything implying that in your message either.

So, in short, if you feel like leaving EC is the right choice, then... more power to you and you'll be missed. But why the dramatic exit? Why delete your account? Why not just stop posting... leave it 6 months or 3 weeks or however long, and see how you feel? That's what, in reading your message, was difficult to understand, and made me wonder if perhaps you're just feeling depressed or disconnected and are in an odd way sort of reaching out. If that's the case, then communicate with us (or choose one of the staff to talk to) about what's going on, so we can help.

Otherwise... best of luck and I hope you find what you're looking for

[xXLoneWolfXx]

this makes me think of how far i have come. from a 9 year old boy who was always depressed and had no clue on what i wanted to do with my life, to the person i am now. i now have higher expectations and dreams that many people could never imagine. ec has made me realize that we all have tough times and that we are not alone, and even though we feel like it, it doesnt mean its true. when i leave ec (i dread the day i do) i can now carry a sence of pride of who i was, am, and, will become.

[xblacklightsx]

Originally Posted by Chip

I'm sort of confused about your decision to leave, in part because, having reread your message twice, I don't really see how leaving EC helps you, or staying at EC hurts you.

The idea of "not fitting in to the gay community", if you're applying that to EC, makes no sense. This is one of the most diverse communities of gay people you're likely to find. We have people of all ages, sexual orientations, gender identities, people who are very stereotypical and people who defy all stereotypes. In short, there really isn't much of any particular attribute that would apply to all EC members and therefore nothing to which you wouldn't fit in.

If EC were a crutch in some way that, by leaving it, you'd overcome, then I could see that, but I don't see anything implying that in your message either.

So, in short, if you feel like leaving EC is the right choice, then... more power to you and you'll be missed. But why the dramatic exit? Why delete your account? Why not just stop posting... leave it 6 months or 3 weeks or however long, and see how you feel? That's what, in reading your message, was difficult to understand, and made me wonder if perhaps you're just feeling depressed or disconnected and are in an odd way sort of reaching out. If that's the case, then communicate with us (or choose one of the staff to talk to) about what's going on, so we can help.

Otherwise... best of luck and I hope you find what you're looking for

Its not that I'm craving attention or connections. Yeah the connections are nice but a lot of things have happened in this past year that I can't even begin to start explaining but otherwise my decision to delete my account is for good cause, trust me. Its something that *I* need to do in order to get over some old emotions that I have. Deleting my account on here will stop some of those emotions and other things that I've been feeling. It may be confusing because a main reason I'm leaving EC is one that personal and I'm not going all out on saying it but its implied throughout the post.

And hey, dramatic exits are my thing I guess. Sue me. I made this post so I wouldn't have to go one by one and say goodbye because if I've learned anything, that's MUCH harder to do. Besides if I had just randomly left one day without a goodbye, wouldn't that be seen as a bit dramatic either? So pretty much any exit I make will be dramatic. That being said, my intentions were never to sound like an attention whore or whatever. Part of it was just to say goodbye to a website that's been part of my life for a long time and part of it was to say what in my head and in my heart was right.

[fiddledeedee]

I wish you all the best in your life, and may you find what you want. Just don't end up like this guy: ! I've seen you around and I'm sad to know you're going, but do whatever you need to do to help yourself move on in your journey.

[Ben]

Goodbye and take care! The door's open for you if you want or need to come back!

[Black Cat]

If that's what you think is best, then by all means go for it. The best part is: you can always come back.

Best wishes to you.

[Robert]

See you later, Batman.

[Eleanor Rigby]

I'm sorry to see you go but if you think that's the right thing for you to do, then you're probably right to do so.
Goodbye, and please, do know the door's always open if you ever want to come back.
Take care of yourself and good luck, Cécile

[hml8]

good luck! I seriously hope you find what you need.

Though I must say don't worry about fitting into the 'gay community' cause I don't either, but it doesn't mean I don't have gay friends it just means I'm not one of the stereotypes who make up the majority of the gay communities in my area.

If you feel that you miss EC because of it not being the right reason to leave and you realise that you can still be a member of EC and travel the path you need to then please do! Otherwise good luck in your endevours!

[thecat06]

Good Luck!! I hope that you find what you need.