Others' Standards

[nerdvain]

Here's a summary of the position I'm currently in--the point of this post will be after the story, if you want to skip it.
I'm going for ice cream tonight with a friend who's home from college on his winter break. This friend and I are good friends and get along well. Same interests, interesting discussions, etc. I often do wish, though, that we could be more. I get super nervous hanging around him, but not only because I like him; on top of that, it's the fact that I know it'll never happen. He's better looking than I am (especially in a more conventional sense) and in search of someone like him: tall and tan. Two things which I am not. It seems that despite our clicking, he has no interest, and it seems that he wants to make this abundantly clear, although indirectly (through copiously calling me "buddy" and whatnot). I feel that because I don't match the standards of this attractive, appealing man, I must be anything but attractive and appealing. I know this isn't true, and that everyone has different standards. However, I can't help but feel that sense.

My question is:

How many of you do this--let others' standards define you? I know to some extent we all do this, but how do you deal with it? What thought processes go through your mind to avoid this?

[Owen]

I've found a thought process for dealing with such things that has been very effective for me. When I joined Tumblr a year ago, I found a picture that revolutionized the way I viewed life, the world, and everything in it (including other people's standards). That picture changed me, really and truly. The sheer brashness of it struck a chord with me, and it stayed with me long after I first saw it. I have seen many like it since (it was my first exposure to this particular meme), so the original has lost some of its impact with me, but the sentiment remains equally beautiful to me. That picture is behind the spoiler tag:

Spoiler

That's how I avoid letting other people's standards influence my own opinion of myself: I just absolutely do not give a fuck about them. They don't even cross my mind.

Getting to the point where I can honestly not give a fuck about other people's standards (or any petty thing, really) was a process. It started with me repeating the phrase in that picture in conversation for the sake of humor, even if I did actually give a fuck. But our repeated actions, whether we do them ironically or sincerely, become our habits, and after sticking with the act for a while, those words, that phrase, that idea began to influence the way I actually thought about the world. It became my actual mentality about whether I fit into others standards or not, and it still serves me well.

[nerdvain]

Originally Posted by Owen

Getting to the point where I can honestly not give a fuck about other people's standards (or any petty thing, really) was a process. It started with me repeating the phrase in that picture in conversation for the sake of humor, even if I did actually give a fuck. But our repeated actions, whether we do them ironically or sincerely, become our habits, and after sticking with the act for a while, those words, that phrase, that idea began to influence the way I actually thought about the world. It became my actual mentality about whether I fit into others standards or not, and it still serves me well.

That's actually quite beautiful. I really do need to start doing this.