Definition of being faithful

[AS1989]

Looking back on my past relationship got me thinking about the topic of being faithful and what other people feel it means to be faithful.

To me being faithful extends beyond sex. To me, being faithful is have complete honest in a relationship, even when being honest means being brutally honest.

But I don't think being faithful stops there, I think in a relationship where both parties are faithful, there isn't any communication with other people that is kept secret or hidden. An that any inappropriate comments made by others, no matter how binine, are kept to an absolute minimum and are addressed as such. I feel welcoming comments from others like that is just as bad as cheating. Of course I don't expect my views on this to stay constant, and there's no absolute rule to being faithful

I'm sure that there are people who don't agree with my point of views, an I'm okay with that. I'm actually really curious as to what those other viewpoints are. I'm not looking to judge anyone else and don't expect that from anyone either.


So please let me know what your views are on this topic.

[Rooni321]

Being honest and sticking by your (wo)man is an aspect of being faithful to me.

And of course not cheating or having the intent to cheat lol (:

[Mogget]

I take the view that the definition of cheating varies between different relationships, and that the healthy thing to do is to have a frank discussion with your partner about what behaviors are and are not acceptable in your relationship.

That said, I think there are some behaviors that are occasionally identified as cheating that should never be. These include masturbation, having platonic friends with members of the sex you are attracted to, and spending time with other people without your partner present.

[Chip]

Originally Posted by AS1989

To me being faithful extends beyond sex. To me, being faithful is have complete honest in a relationship, even when being honest means being brutally honest.

In my experience a lot of people claim they want "brutal honesty" but really don't. Human conversation and interaction relies on social cues and timing, and there are certainly times that complete honesty isn't helpful to a relationship. By that, I mean when someone says something in anger or lashing out, it's not always best to repeat it in that way. Likewise, some people are simply thoughtless and there's no point in repeating (or saying) things that will simply be hurtful to someone else.

There was a psychological framework in the 1960s that championed unvarnished honesty above all else. It didn't work well, and has since died out pretty much as a therapeutic approach, and that (and dozens of books and papers on the subject) probably tells us plenty about the flaws with that approach.

I think in a relationship where both parties are faithful, there isn't any communication with other people that is kept secret or hidden.

Again, healthy human interactions would tend to indicate the opposite. Most emotionally healthy people have more than one person they are open with, and the level of openness is dependent on the nature of a relationship. For example, if you are having difficulty understanding something with a spouse, you might talk to your best friend about it. Your best friend might offer thoughts based on his or her viewpoint, interactions, observations, etc. It wouldn't necessarily be beneficial to go and regurgitate to your spouse everything that was said and discussed in the conversation; certainly the fact that you're talking, and that you discussed some concerns, and maybe the meat of those concerns, but not everything, especially if it is said unvarnished and could be interepeted as hurtful. Context is really important to communication, and inflection and intent matter tremendously.

To me (and reflected in most of the books that write about relationships), what's more important than unconditional honesty is integrity. The issue there is, "would I be uncomfortable or embarrassed about what I'm doing if my partner saw me or found out." If you can answer no, then you're probably on fine ground. If you are questioning or rationalizing, then you probably have a concern. Your partner probably wouldn't object to your going for dinner with your best friend and talking about things that are bothering you. But s/he might well object if you went to hang out with someone new, of the same sexual orientation as you, and you failed to mention it. That's where the integrity test comes in.

The bottom line is, an absolute insistence on no-holds-barred honesty and absolutely no secrets whatsoever would probably not be healthy, and if one party is insistent and the other is not, would raise concerns for me about jealousy, insecurity, and/or controlling behavior. But a mutual desire to be open about anything meaningful that's happening in the relationship (or most anything else) would be healthy.

[biAnnika]

Hmmm...big topic, really.

I find it easier to define cheating, since *not* cheating is just one aspect of faithfulness. Cheating to me is any violation of any agreement (spoken or unspoken) between partners.

I once thought faithfulness should include an emotional component...only being in love with that one person. But I have realized in the past several years that you cannot control your emotions...you can fall in love with another through no fault or action of yours...you love who you love. Nor is it reasonable to limit how close you get to another person in order to minimize the chance of falling in love with more than one person...we are meant to be close with others, and doing so adds nothing but beauty to your life, and need/should not negatively impact your relationship with a partner.

So faithfulness comes down to a question of how you *respond* to multiple loves that do arise in the course of a relationship. To me, you can love others but remain faithful to a partner if you (a) don't cheat (see above definition) and (b) are honest about your loves. The cheating part is easy...just don't do it. But honesty can be a tricky thing, since our emotions aren't always clear to us...but to do your best to be as honest as you can is the thing.

So no communication kept hidden or secret? No, that goes too far...come on, how else do we arrange birthday surprises? And must we always report inappropriate comments made to us by others? No, I am not responsible for comments made by others (although I may enjoy sharing them with my partner, if I think she'll appreciate them rather than be upset by them). But I completely agree with Chip's notion of integrity...engaging in no communications or actions that I would be uncomfortable, embarrassed, or ashamed to have my partner discover.