Rambling Pt3

[LdSlnce]

(Sorry for any mistakes! Still restricted to the iPod)


Well (insert sigh), there goes all my progress! I'm back to questioning. Why? Well...I've had time to really think about it and, while I do prefer girls, I notice that it isn't as clear as it seemed. Me being insanely curious and information addict, looked up all the (blank)sexual, (blank)gender, and (blank)romantic. Sorry if I missed any!*

I'm identifying as a boy currently, but I'm open to the fact that it could just be a passing phase. And so I started considering myself straight with asexual and pansexual tendencies. But then! I got to reading about all the...terms and possibilities and just...everything. While I still identify as male, I'm not so sure about my sexuality anymore. Reading and learning about all the possibilities, I got back to questioning because straight with asexual/pansexual tendencies doesn't really fit. To be completely honest, though I notice girls over guys, it's not so clear anymore. I'm not looking for a label, I'm just curious; labels are unimportant, but are interesting to learn about and know. I've never really been able to imagine myself in a romantic relationship with anyone. I just want a...close friend of sorts; a companion; a partner. I really don't care about the gender, I just would like to have a companion that is a friend, but more than a friend. But I don't find a need or want to be in a romantic relationship. So that made me think that I could possibly be aromantic. But then, maybe the denial part of me, could identify/relate to the panromantic part. Which is, reading it over, really stupid actually! So maybe I could be aromantic? Thinking about it, it doesn't seem impossible at all.*

So we pretty much covered gender and romantic. That leaves sexuality. I actually feel kinda stupid for writing this, but the need to put all these thoughts and questions down is hard to fight. Well I read over asexual and discovered that the sources that I used to have were pretty inaccurate. Asexual is just not really experiencing sexual attraction (from my understanding). And that's how I feel, but I ended up mixing myself up with...a lot of stuff and came to the conclusion that I was gay (this is when my knowledge of gender was pretty much 0, but then knowledge came and it was changed to straight).*

Let me try and clear it up:
For a while I just thought I liked girls only, but I noticed my sexual attraction to them was not really present. Same thing with guys. Sure I can acknowledge if a person is good looking, but I don't really get that...attraction that most seem to get. But I found it confusing, thought I preferred girls (which might be true), and said girls were my point of interest. Now? Well it has changed.*

So due to realizations of my lack of sexual attraction (sexual drive doesn't really count, my hormones are driving me crazy due to this puberty thingy or whatever) I figured that I may be asexual. But then I stumbled upon demisexual (a term I was unfamiliar with) and it seemed pretty much how I felt. I don't experience sexual attraction toward anyone for a while, but then I get to know them and it seems to kick in. But alas, I'm totally lost. Sure I may find them attractive, but there's no real desire it need to act on it. I can live without. And then there's the thing with being aromantic and it further confuses me.*

This is all over the place! But it helped, I THINK I may be considered a aromantic demisexual. But, as I said before, labels are unneeded. It's just interesting to learn about the terms. That and it can really help clear up confusion.