Gay guy refuses to be kicked out of his family

Cymbrii · Jan 13, 2012

This is from Carolyn Hax's advice column. Gotta say kudos to this guy, this is probably one of the best ways this kind of situation can be handled.

Dear Carolyn:

I'm 17 and moving away next fall for school. My older brother, who lives on his own, came out to our family 18 months ago. My mother (very religiously conservative) has "kicked my brother out of the family," to use her words. She told him he was not welcome at any family functions.

My brother refuses to be kicked out. He shows up at family gatherings anyway, often bringing his partner. He also stops by the house sometimes to see me and my sister, and when mom tells him to leave, he just smiles, tells Mom he loves her and then ignores her. He has told her repeatedly that "revoking his family membership" isn't within her powers. He told her to revoke the law of gravity while she was at it.

I'm tired of my mom's constant complaining to me about my brother. I think she's wrong but I've stayed silent because I live at home, and the one time I suggested she might rethink things, she went into orbit.

My friends say I'm a coward not to defend my brother. I love my mom and I love my brother, but I'd like to get through the last year of high school in peace. My mom might kick me out if I take a stand.

-- Utah
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Your brother is an impressive human being.

He's being true to himself, firm but loving with your mom, attentive to his sibs, crystalline in his imagery -- be still my writer's heart -- all without being punitive toward the mother who rejects him for who he is. Wow.

My opinion of your friends ... not so gushy. When their parents blackball their gay siblings and they have to decide between owning their beliefs and potentially losing their homes, then they can judge you.

Your brother and your friends neatly illustrate the difference between courage and bravado, respectively. One speaks up, and the other goads someone else to.

Now, your kick-out risk is debatable, as your mom hasn't succeeded in kicking anyone out of anything, though maybe she just hasn't figured out how yet.

But your story suggests your brother came out to your parents when he was already on his own, or soon to be. So this person of obvious courage also made the calculation that antagonizing the source of his nurture, food and shelter wasn't the savviest move. I mean, what are the chances he first realized he was gay 18 months and a day ago?

You need to make a calculation now similar to your brother's. That's not to say you need to declare your truth the moment you leave the nest. It just means you have to balance what you believe against what you need and feel -- and do that knowing you're the one who has to live with the consequences. Literally and figuratively.

If it helps, your choices aren't limited to either selling out for shelter or defending your brother. When Mom complains, for example, you can take a cue from your brother and say, "Mom, I love you and I love (Brother)," then excuse yourself to do homework/dishes/whatever.

You sound like a pretty good egg yourself; there's no one way to assert that, and the only right way is the right one for you.
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phospholipase · Jan 14, 2012

That's a touching story--thanks for sharing.

Chip · Jan 14, 2012

Wow, that's brilliant. I think that older brother is a model to other bigoted, ignorant parents, modeling the very Christlike behavior that the parents themselves claim to hold themselves to

hml8 · Jan 14, 2012

Nice put Chip!

The older brother is definately very impressive!

Hexagon · Jan 14, 2012

That is a really good guy... I know I would have given up long before he did.

Owen · Jan 14, 2012

I have so much respect for the older brother. That's a remarkably dignified way to deal with such decidedly undignified treatment--be still my writer's heart, indeed. Kudos to him.

Valeyard · Jan 14, 2012

I wouldn't have lasted this long with a mother like that. I'd probably just stop coming to family functions.

Gay guy refuses to be kicked out of his family

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Gay guy refuses to be kicked out of his family

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