What is sex?

[Jordash]

I've always thought of it as just being sexualy intement with someone, normally the obe you have strong feelings for.
But now im begining to have second thoughts on that. A few days before New Years this year me and my girlfriend made the decision to have sex. It felt great and all but all it was was fingering eachother and a lot of making out. I thought it was amazing and im pretty sure she did too. But a few days later I told one of my best friends that knew we were together about it and she said it wasn't sex. I was then very confused and told my girlfriend about it. She said she didnt really know neither. So the next time we had sex, there was some oral. So after I was wondering if it counted then. Does it? Am I still a virgin, or not? Anyone who can help, please respond. Thanks!

[midwestgirl89]

Virginity is different for everyone but your friend probably has a limited view on what "sex" is. She may not understand that sex isn't just one thing. I think what you and your girlfriend did was sex (both times). It does count if you think it should count. I would count it. For girls who have sex with girls, we have to forget the notion that "it isn't sex unless a penis penetrates you" because then lesbians would be virgins forever. I think sex is when you stimulate another personally sexually, regardless of what you use or don't use. I agree with you that sex is when you're sexually intimate with someone.

Don't put too much into what your friend told you. I've been told the same thing but it's just because people don't understand or put themselves in your shoes. If your friend told you she had sex with a boyfriend (if she is straight) and you said "That isn't real sex", she would be upset. She doesn't understand what sex is like for two females. Virginity is something that only you can define. What do you think it means to be a virgin?

[Jordash]

Hmmm Whats it mean to be a virgin?
Well Imguess it just means you havent had sex yet.
But.... technicaly I wasn't a virgin when I had sex with my girlfriend, I was sexually abused when I was in 1st grade by my older cousin.

[midwestgirl89]

Well I don't think it counts as losing your virginity when it's not consensual. I'm really sorry that happened to you.

[Jordash]

Okay. Its all good now though. My girlfriend still gets pissed of whenever she sees him and basically wants to rip his head off, but she'll just have to deal with it for now. hahahaha

Its kinda cute how protective she is. lol

[fiddledeedee]

Ja, I agree that abuse/non-consensual sex/assault/rape/whatever doesn't mean you're not a virgin. When my brother abused me, I never knew what it meant or anything, and obviously I couldn't consent at the age of seven or eight, so I consider myself a virgin.

Question: Can something be considered sex if one or both parties didn't think of it as sexual?

[Jordash]

To answer your question, I would say, you lose your viginity when you think you have. I know thats not the best answer, but thats just what I think.

[Owen]

My own definition of sex is that if STI transmission is possible, it's sex (it's a somewhat circular definition, since "sexually transmitted infection" basically means "transmitted by sex", but it serves the purpose). There are a lot of acts don't pose a significant risk of STI transmission but are erotic for one or both parties (making out, fondling, fetishistic acts, etc.), and I'd call those sexual experiences, not necessarily sex.

Now, I don't define virginity as being lost when you have you have sex for the first time. If someone has been sexually abused when they were young, they certainly could have been exposed to an STI, but if it wasn't consensual or sensual, I'd say they're still a virgin. Why? I'll tell you.

The traditional definition of virginity is very narrow-minded and largely useless. If you define virginity biologically (breaking the hymen, for example), then a woman could lose her virginity in a car accident. If you define it by one act (say, your first time engaging in missionary position), does that mean someone who's trying missionary for the first time with her first boyfriend as part of their first sexual experience is more of a virgin then someone who, as I've heard it so eloquently put, "Has had it everywhere else"? I'd say nay nay.

Virginity, to me, is more of a state of mind than anything physically definable. When used in a non-sexual context, it means naivety, innocence, inexperience; it's an entirely mental thing, not a physical thing. For that reason, I loosely define a "virgin" as someone who doesn't know what sexual experiences with someone else feels like.

So when have you lost your virginity? I would say you've lost it when you don't feel like a virgin anymore. For some people, that means taking the "big step" (whatever that may be for your particular sexual pairing: vaginal sex, anal sex, whatever) with someone they're close to; for others, it means orgasming during a hook-up because their partner kissed them (on the mouth) the right way for a couple of minutes. It's something everyone needs to come up with their own definition of. It seems you no longer fit your own definition of virginity, but you do fit your friend's, hence your disagreement.

While we're coming up with our own definitions of virginity, a good thing to keep in mind is that virginity doesn't have to be a black-and-white thing (in fact, I'd say it becomes a much more useful definition if it isn't). If you wish to do so, I think it's perfectly valid to say that having had one experience will make you "more of a virgin" than having had another. I would say, for example, that I'm more of a virgin if all I've done is give a guy a hand job that I would be if I've given him oral sex (ditto for receiving either).

Notice that I didn't say in my example that someone else would be more/less of a virgin for having done certain things; only myself. The one thing I believe strongly regarding virginity is that we should never tell someone they are/aren't a virgin. Since it's the kind of thing we all have to define for ourselves, telling someone they are/aren't a virgin is invalidating their own personal definition of virginity, and that's not cool.

So, in case it isn't clear, I would say that someone who has been sexually abused is still a virgin because a sexual experience with someone else should be enjoyable for both parties. If someone don't know what that feels like, they're missing out on a big part of the sexual experience, so if someone wants to include knowing what consensual sexual pleasure feels like in their definition of virginity, I'm all for it.

[Emberstone]

[YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gbyx0PephX0[/YOUTUBE]

But in all seriousness. I define sex as being an act of arousal, be it for physical gratification, or the result of a mutual, emotional bond.

ALSO! CAN THE MODS FIX THE YOUTUBE FUNCTION?

[midwestgirl89]

Originally Posted by fiddledeedee

Ja, I agree that abuse/non-consensual sex/assault/rape/whatever doesn't mean you're not a virgin. When my brother abused me, I never knew what it meant or anything, and obviously I couldn't consent at the age of seven or eight, so I consider myself a virgin.

Question: Can something be considered sex if one or both parties didn't think of it as sexual?

I think that yes, it can be considered sex even if one or both parties doesn't think it's sex.

[Mad Man L]

I define it as Oral, Anal or Vaginal sex. Fingering to me doesn't count.

But if it's non-consensual, it still counts in my opinion. But I personally don't think people should get hung up on sex being some kind of 'holy grail' which you do only after 3 years of a committed relationship.

[midwestgirl89]

^^In my opinion, fingering is sex just like any of the other stuff. Some people find it more intimate than oral sex, others don't. I don't see a distinction between oral and fingering when it comes to whether it's sex or not.

[seeksanctuary]

Fingering is sex. Would you randomly go up to a stranger and shove your digits up their holes? No? Well, why not? Because it's an intimate gesture, and they'd probably report you for... guess it. Sexual assault.

[Zontar]

Originally Posted by seeksanctuary

Fingering is sex. Would you randomly go up to a stranger and shove your digits up their holes? No? Well, why not? Because it's an intimate gesture, and they'd probably report you for... guess it. Sexual assault.

That's a good way to put it: anything that can get you busted for sexual assault is...sex. :P

I personally count it as sex when the genitals get involved, although really, this entire thing is trying to shoehorn an antiquated concept like virginity into the modern era. There's more awareness and acceptance of different types of sexual activity nowadays (whereas historically, virginity was penis-in-vagina), and I think the best you can do is analyze sexual activity instead of trying to come up with some arbitrary definition for "sex."

In fact, precisely for this reason, organizations like the CDC use "sexual activity" as a substitute for "sex" when collecting generalized statistics, such as the age when teens first start engaging in sexual activity.

Also, let's face it, the only ones with restrictive definitions on sex are the bastards who are getting guys/girls often enough not to overvalue these kinds of things. =p

[flyinhernikes]

if you think its sex then its sex.

but im the only person (i know) who thinks that, that is foreplay. (only because i base everything off straight 'sex'). sex for me is skin to skin contact if you get me tribbing e.t.c

but im just weird i guess.