MMk...well I almost made this post anonymous but I figure there is nothing to be ashamed of...its just a very interesting time in my life right now, in a good way. Sorry...this ended up being really long, have fun reading it! haha OK..I've been dating heavily the past few months...like using a bunch of different mobile apps to meet people and get coffee and stuff. I use the apps mostly to chat with random guys but I have met one of them before on accident..different story lol I also have this friend (M) the we've been talking and confiding in one another on our relationships since I was last in one...which was ~2007. So we've known eachother for quite some time now. I ended up breaking up with my girlfriend in the end of 07 and him and his bf were having trouble so we'd help eachother get through the hard stuff. The past year and a half though we've been hanging out occasionally and kissing and cuddling like everytime (he's on a break with his bf of 7 years cause he caught him cheating on him). We always knew we had a thing for eachother physically at least but I've never had feelings for him. But the last few times we've hung out we've ended up sleeping with eachother...and although it is nice I never really wanted that sort of a relationship with him...Problem is the last time this happened he confessed that he really likes me and is really falling hard for me. At first I was stoked and I had all these emotions running through me that I'd forgot I had but a few days went by and I realized that I'm just not that into him and it will never work...But I feel bad now like I've led him on but it wasn't on purpose and I don't want to lose him as a friend and a confidant but I don't know quite how to break it to him... To make it worse...I've been seeing this other guy (G) for a month maybe and at first it was really awkward because we semi-knew each other in high school, had a few classes together...but never talked much. I found him on a dating app and told him I remembered him and we started getting coffee every once in awhile and started getting along pretty well. The kicker was when I went to coffee with a bunch of my friends and he was there already with another guy I knew through a dating site (the guy I mentioned earlier) and we talked a bit then I had to go in and meet my friends. Like an hour later the dude left and G came and joined me with my friends (whom I'm only out to 1/3 in the group). We stayed at there and talked until like an hour after they closed and even after my friends left and planned a date for tonight. I picked him up and we got coffee then went to this place he picked out during the day by a lake in the middle of the suburbs thats you have to hop a fence and go through this rock garden to get to haha. We hung out and smoked and talked I put music on then one thing leaded to another and we're all over each other..all clothed, just enjoying each other. It was very intimate and I eventually got really comfortable and it felt so nice...I really couldn't help but smile looking at the stars with my head on his chest...I think after a few more dates if things keep feeling this way I may want to get more serious about the relationship if he is onboard. But I really want to take it slow...I was very devastated in my last relationship and ever since then I've been afraid to open up, and this would be my first time dating a man officially...and I just feel its unfair to him if I'm not completely out. My parents dont know apnd a lot of my friends dont so I feel like I have to dance around them. And thats just not fair to him, to be hidden. I want him to know I WANT to be with him... So the dilemmaS...plural... I need to somehow let M know that I'm not interested in that way without breaking his heart and our friendship I need to come out to my parents first and foremost, but 24 years of hiding it makes it a very intimidating task. My friends I feel will come easily after my parents. I'm bi but have no interest in girls whatsoever latley so I'm pretty much labeling myself as gay. I need to come out as bi but I feel sometimes like coming out as gay would be easier...It leaves that extra ray of hope that I'll still be with girls and stuff for my parents . Ugh, so many emotions and decisions...If anyone has any advice or supportive words to say or anything yo feel like, I'd love some input...I'm so nervous and excited... and so so tired.. If you read all that, I'll
"It leaves that extra ray of hope that I'll still be with girls and stuff for my parents ." thats exactly how i felt, i thought that being gay was making my parents ashamed, like it wasnt how they wanted me to turn out. thats how i came out as bi first when i was young, just to 'test the water' as it were for my parents being accepting, but when i knew deep down i didnt want to be with guys. cuz coming out as gay straight away would seem quite a shock for my parents i assumed. then i had to come out again and tell the truth which was awkward and my mum was like no.... youre not. so it left her confused. i think she still is now but nevermind. come out when youre ready, personally i regret coming out so young. and im not trying to say dont come out, im just saying that if you come out.... you might have to come out again and again and again.... maybe talk to your rents about your feelings, but dont actually come out just say youre having problems with who you have feelings for? and as far as m is concerned... perhaps ask to hang out and say you need to talk, the only way to tell him is to just flat out say, but nicely.... obv. thats the problem with fwb sometimes it gets awkward like this. lol. hope this helps somewhat.
Lol I fell asleep at the end of writing this and forgot to delete this line But yah I know I wont regret coming out, I feel like its the biggest thing holding me back from living the way I want to and being open about who I am...but i cant help feeling like it will change EVERYTHING, the good and the bad. and that just intimidates me...:icon_sad:
