how does it make you feel? i was looking back at some old posts on this other place that i go to on the internet that i made some years ago dealing with run ins with gay people. i read what i said and i looked back at how i distanced myself away from being gay and gay people in general. even though at the time i was going through a bit of internal conflict with my sexuality, it now shocks me at how i had convinced, made myself believe as well as attempted to seriously make myself comfortable being a straight guy. don't know how i did it or why i put myself through all that worrying, stress, and misery for all those years but i did a hell of a good job. not only did i convince myself that i was straight but i also convinced those around me that i was a straight guy as well. hell, i don't even know if those around me that have known me for a long time will believe me when i tell them that i'm gay. looking back at everything though, i pretty much have come a long way. i've spent all these years being closeted and afraid, fighting and hating myself. now, i realized that there is nothing wrong with being gay and that everything is just fine the way it is with the only exception of being in the closet. but other than that, i think i kicked down the final doors of what i was afraid to confront within myself. i also had a problem even acknowledging that i was gay. i still remember how afraid i was whenever i thought about questioning my sexuality as well as the moment i decided to do that via the internet. crazy.
back in the day i hated being associated with anything gay lol. I wasn't gonna be like the "stereotypical gay" and didn't like "gay culture" haha it was all so ignorant and lacking in understanding. It's so funny to look at that in comparison to where i am now with a totally different perspective on what it is to be LGBT and what constitutes LGBT people and culture. i especially love how i flipped from that to being like a rabid pitbull if someone tried hating on any of the above lol
Since I'm still (deep) in the closet and questioning a ton of stuff about myself, I can relate to exactly how you described it. And I really admire the way you have overcome it. Since I'm not exactly out, or know if I ever will/want to be, I guess I can't really look back on anything yet. But instead of looking back, I'm looking forward to some day when I can finally accept myself, however that may be.
I'm still coming to terms with my sexuality. I catch myself saying things to my friends about gay people, even as I question myself as I say it. I've definitely gotten better, but I still have a long road to go.
Looking back makes me chuckle to myself. Deep down I always knew that I was at least bisexual, but even after sleeping with a guy (and quite enjoying it) I still tried to convince myself that I wasn't gay merely because I didn't fit the stereotype .
I was never really in the closet that long. I knew I was gay at the end of June 2009 and came out in March 2010. Probably not the smartest thing to do, but it forced me to accept who I was, and it made me realize who my true friends really are. I did say a lot of things about gay people while I was in the closet, just things to see how people would react. Something like: "I saw two guys holding hands in the mall." or "I saw two girls kiss". Things like that. People who reacted negatively, I didn't come out to them. People who reacted with something like: "So?", they were the first to know.
I'm still in the closet for most of the people I meet in my life but I'm slowly getting into terms with my sexuality when it comes to dealing with outside parties. But, I already 100% accepted what I am deep inside myself; I'm just not that prepared to tell everybody yet. Before, I used to hate myself being bisexual since it was sort of like being gay too. But, as time went, I changed.
