So...I told my doctor the other day

Hi everyone,
This is my first post in public at EC. Last Friday, 3/2/2012, I had an appointment with my doctor and told him about me, being gay. He was the first one Ive ever been open to face to face. It wasnt easy at all, I was so stressed out for the whole day and couldnt sleep that night. Let me tell you how it went.
I realized that I am interested in men when I was in 5th grade, but I had kept it in secret (until I told my doctor). I am 19 now and I asked myself thousands times what I am, what I want (I believe its the same thing everyone in my situation does). Ive been chatting online with people to know more about it, but I didnt think of saying it to anyone... in person. I visited my doctor 3 months ago, for a general visit. He appeared to be friendly and helpful. He was handsome, charming, and young. He asked me some questions during the first time visit, sort of like "do you smoke?, ...drink?, and are you interested in men or women?". I lied to him about it.
After the first visit, I kept asking myself to tell him the real me. I set up the appointment for more than a month and tried to be prepared for it. For how I will say it, how I would answer to the questions. I arrived a little early that day. I was in the room, getting my weight and height measured by the nurse. And waiting for my doctor while my mind was planning how the conversation would go. He was a little late, when he walked in, we greeted each other. He asked me how he could help me. Not once, twice, but for the third time, I have something uttered from my mouth. "Uhh...w..welll..ll., this is hard to say" (I planned to say "Am I being recorded? Theres something I want you to know and I want it confidential"). Well, it wasnt what I wanted to start, but he looked straight at my eyes and said:"Its okay, its safe here!". I was wondering if he knew what I was about to say. And I let it go "I'm interested in men. I just dont want it, I dont know". I wasnt brave enough to look at his eyes when delivering the sentence. I know he was looking at me, just dont know if there was some strange gestures appeared on his face then. Just not brave enough...After a pause glancing at my face and finding something to say that is appropriate, he said "Its alright, nothing to worry, notsurewhy! Its not strange". From that point, I was so freaking stressful, I couldnt control my thoughts and what to say. I tried to listen as if that would help me t ocalm down. I dint not actually! I didnt say much, just sometimes made some agreement sounds to make sure hes not talking alone. I felt like the whole thing went wrong, that would be the weirdest conversation ever, when he tried to find something nice to say to release my messy brain and I tried to avoid eye contact. I did not mean to be disrespectful, there seemed to be two mes thinking inside and my ears tried to listen too. It was sooo overwhelming. He asked me a little about my biography, something like when I knew I was interested in men, who know this,...etc. He said it was an honor for him to be the one I trust, the first one to open to. I asked him if there was any way to get out of this, like medications, trying to date with a girl. When most of his answers seemed to converge to the word "impossible" (the rest may converge to "almost impossible"), I was so depressed. Of course it wasnt the first time Ive heard the thing that its almost impossible to turn from gay to straight with completely happiness, its much harder and hurting to hear it from your doctor, who appeared to be my only hope. Then, he put his hand on my knee, and said: "notsurewhy!, Its okay, calm down. Everything is fine." probably because he saw how bad my face was. I tried to calm down but there was something preventing it, its maybe the same thing that preventing me from admitting being gay....He told me not once , i remembered, that I have to accept who I am, that being gay is mormal, just like people having blue eyes (as he points to his). The conversation went on and I was able to listen and understand what he was saying.
He also asked me if I was interested in talking to other doctors, who are gay and are better in giving advices. I said no almost instantly, I just dont want it. Doesnt he understand that I trust him only, that it is really hard to open to a person youve met once? Anyway, I dont blame him on that, he just wanted to give me the best he could. I wished I could have stayed there, in his office all day with him. Just sitting there will sastify me. It feels so great to have someone can understand, someone you can talk and share the thing youve been holding for eight years without any shyness. Just someone...in person. But he has others to take care of, so I had to go. I said thank to him for listening. He said its his pleasure and reminded me to come back whenever I have any questions or concerns. I asked him to keep this confidential, and he promised 100%. we said good bye and shook hands.(he offered)
I left his office, headed to the bus station. For the whole day, Ive been thinking about it and something I am not sure what it is (there were still two mes thinking inside overlapping another). He did mention something that I kept thinking of:"You are young! I dont expect you to feel better after leaving this office and admit who you are. But when you do, you will find things are better. Its even better when you find your companion, you'll experience the most wonderful things in this world (he implied love and sex by this). And when that happens, please use comdoms". I was laughing at this. I knew what he meant by that, he wanted me to be who I really am, and be safe, to me ,and to others.
Cant believe that I wrote this long. Not sure if anyone reading this. But I didnt feel better until the following morning, after a night without any sleep. I tried to recall every single word he said. Its so great to talk to someone about this in person, not just chatting online. However, I dont know what I should do now. I dont plan do tell anyone about his. Does anyone have any idea what I should do? Please, give me some advices.

Thank you for taking your time reading! Sorry English isnt my first language, Ive tried my best. Please, let me know if there was any mistake that could cause misunderstanding!


Notsurewhy

 

Thank you guys for your comments. I will never reget for choosing my doctor to be the first to tell. I just wish it could go a little further, I can meet him in life, having him there every day to talk more about what Ive been through. I am so excited that there are people reading my post. Thanks for all of your support!!!

---------- Post added 5th Mar 2012 at 12:11 AM ----------

@Pilgrim is hot: what are you saying actually? can you say it clearer?

 

@Sayu: First thing to be clear, I still dont admit that i am gay. I just admit that i am interested in men. That is different. Thats why I came to the doctor to have some advices and wanna know if there is any way to get out of this. But, the result seems to be clear. Anyway, thank you for your encouragement! I dont think I am ready for a relationship yet, (unless someone comes to me and say ily, lol :lol. I dont want to think about it that much at this point. The more I think, the more messy my brain is. I'm still not brave enough to face myself!

 

yeah, thats what im asking. Do you mean counselling in this forum? Ive been chatting online with people (through yahoo messenger though), but its so hard to find a person who really understands and can be friend.

---------- Post added 6th Mar 2012 at 10:36 PM ----------

Thank you for your wish! I also hope so, too, even though I dont know how I am gonna end up. Future is something that I cant see well right now