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I tried to change myself....now I have to live a lie. Problem is: I'm not a good liar

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by PlutonianShore, Apr 5, 2012.

  1. PlutonianShore

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    A few weeks ago, I tried to repair myself. .....

    See, over the last two years I've entrusted the secret of my 'deviant' sexuality to the wrong people, people who I thought I could trust, and as a result felt the impact when they went behind my back and shared it with their friends. So until then, the whole school was a hotbed of gossip and speculation.
    Since I hate attention that's directed to me, this was particularly uncomfortable for me and amplified by the fact that they were talking behind my back.

    So one late Saturday night, I created a different email account and with it, I created a fictional Facebook account. And so my 'girlfriend' was born.

    I thought if I could trick people into thinking I was straight, I myself would become straight as well. And everybody, save for a few people who pressured me until I caved and told them the truth, accepted it without any questions. It would've been easy for me, since I don't have a secret gay life which I tried to cover up.

    Now I've gotten myself into a huge mess since I've doomed myself to a single life and there's the possibility that I'll lose a lot friends should the truth come out.

    My parents told me to let this die a quiet death. But it's hard....it's so hard...I'm generally an honest person and I can't lie without my conscience giving me nightmares, so I'm not sure how long I can keep this facade up.....

    Help?!
     
  2. fireworks

    fireworks Guest

    Re: I tried to change myself....now I have to live a lie. Problem is: I'm not a good

    Hey... you don't need to pretend to be something you're not just because people say what you are is wrong, or "deviant". There's absolutely nothing wrong with being gay, and if they can't accept that, then they aren't worth having as friends anyway. You can't change who you are, but you can learn to love yourself, and everyone who disagrees can sod off IMO:slight_smile: so don't try to 'turn yourself straight'- you are who you are.Nothing and noone is going to change you,and you don't need to change, not for anyone. If everyone conformed to the norm, where would society be now? We wouldn't have hadthese great thinkers who weren't afraid to be innovative, be creative, be themselves. There are always going to be people who think you're wrong, but do what your heart tells you.

    My advice: pretend to have broken up with this fake girl. When you feel ready, start coming out :slight_smile:
    Hope that helps xx
     
  3. ArcherySet

    ArcherySet Guest

    Re: I tried to change myself....now I have to live a lie. Problem is: I'm not a good

    I'm going to talk in extremes here, because your situation sounds extreme.

    There are mothers that drown their sons. There are fathers that honor kill their daughters. Friends stab one another in the back all the time for selfish reasons. Do not be fooled by false titles that are supposed to mean unconditional love. Love the people that prove it to you, by showing you they really love you.

    I've said it before and I'll say it again (and again I'm sure), the people that love you and deserve to be your friends will love you regardless of your sexuality, and will not see it as deviant or wrong.

    And don't go 'making' up' fake girlfriends. That just makes you a liar, fuels your own insecurity, gives ammunition to people that want to make fun of you, and frankly, is an utter waste of your time. It doesn't help your situation at all.
     
    #3 ArcherySet, Apr 5, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 5, 2012
  4. ThatCoopKid

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    Re: I tried to change myself....now I have to live a lie. Problem is: I'm not a good

    It sounds like you've gotten yourself into quite a situation here, though I can understand why you did what you did to begin with. The thing is - and I know it's really hard to hear - but if your friends couldn't keep your secret to themselves, then they really aren't your friends. No true friend would go and tell everyone their friend's secrets.

    So, you did what you did. It worked, but now you're stuck in a bind. You can either stop while you're ahead, or you can try to find people who accept you for you. It's not going to be easy, and there are going to be people that ridicule you because of your sexuality, but eventually you'll find someone. Or, you can always find friends on here, people you can talk to and confide in who are in the same boat as you. It always helps to have people to talk to in situations like this.
     
  5. ameliawesome

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    Re: I tried to change myself....now I have to live a lie. Problem is: I'm not a good

    you are absolutely not the only person ever to make up a girlfriend/boyfriend, so don't be too harsh with yourself for it. you're also not the only person to lie to your friends and feel badly about it: i accidentally lied to my friends when i was your age and even though i told them not to tell anyone, somebody did spread it around and the situation became way bigger than it should have. honestly i did let that lie die a quiet death, and i'm still friends with the same people because they really are great, but it still bothers me that i never set that situation straight. personally i've decided that i'll tell the truth only if it ever comes up in conversation again. so it's not impossible to just let it drop, but you'll have to figure out how to deal with it yourself. you may need to make new friends, especially if the ones you have wouldn't understand why you did what you did or wouldn't forgive you for it. but they might understand. you didn't do it to brag, you didn't do it because there's anything wrong with you, you did it because you felt hurt by your friends and you were afraid of losing them. if they don't feel sorry for making you feel that way then they aren't your friends.