A couple of days ago my brother (who came down to help me move) and I were driving home from college, and along the way, we stopped in a small town diner. Our waiter was as pleasant as could be, but was neutral in gender expression, and the name didn't help either since it was Nikal. In my eagerness to repay the courtesy shown to us, I didn't think and I committed to a gender, using "ma'am." It was taken in stride and the pleasantry didn't wain at all after the fact, but I still can't help but feel that if our waiter was male, it might have damaged his esteem even though there was no visible change in expression. So I guess what I'm getting at is that is it a big deal to do this? From many of the comments that I've read on EC, I get the impression that people who have certain gender neutral tendencies generally aren't offended by it, but I still feel bad because I might have gotten it wrong.
It really could go either way. It could have been like this: But, when I was younger, people used to think I was a boy, and then I would end up crying myself to sleep.
Buuuut do you identify as female, or do you feel no strong connection to gender? I feel perfectly androgynous so it just doesn't bother me. Edit: unless you mean that if the server isn't androgynous, then yeah it's possible that they might feel insulted by a gender mistake :/
I am androgynous (or at least I think that's the label for me lol) so things like your scenario don't bother me, as I stated in the other thread. I have never identified as fully feminine/female or masculine/male. Even as a kid I was always "one of the boys" with my friends. In my mannerisms and dress a little of both shine through....just enough to confuse the hell out of some people haha. I think your impressions from reading some EC threads (speaking for myself) is spot on about gender-neutral folk. I'm not offended by being mistaken. My thinking about someone who does take offense to a gender mistake, is that they might be hyper-sensitive or think that they look exactly like a male/female should look. As I see it, if you're going to be ambiguous in gender especially, but with anything really, you have to expect at least one person at some point in your life to say the "wrong" thing. You know? If something like this hapens again I wouldn't let it bother you or make you feel bad. I'm sure that wasn't the first time for your server if he was somewhat gender-neutral and pretty sure he didn't take it offensively. You were kind to him and I'm sure he knew you didn't mean it as insult or in spite.
I have called MEN ma'am, I think politeness and habit of being stuck around nearly all women. I get super embarrassed and appologize sincerely, and yet every time it has happened, like maybe 3 times in my lifetime, no anger, these men smile say nice things back. Heck, makes me wonder if they were gay, cuz they seemed to almost be giddy! lucky me, I only offend women. :/
I've called people by the wrong pronouns before. I feel really bad when I find out what I did. In my experience, nobody has gotten mad at me for it.
I was call miss (or lady) a week or so ago at a restaurant with my Step mum when we asked for the bill, The waitress was very embarrassed
That happens here all the time! Considering that in Spanish you just need to replace an "o" at the end of a male noun with an "a", to make it female. It has happened to me too, but not with strangers. I have called male teachers maestra (maestra=female teacher) by mistake and they jokingly respond: "Yes, alumna?" (alumna =female student).
I get this all the time on the phone, which apparently makes me sound feminine. Eventhough I answer the phone with 'Thomas' people still call me ma'm or madam. But as ameliawesome pointed out if your confident about your gender, it shouldn't bother you.
I get called Miss and Ma'am at work by customers... Not to my face (over the speaker), which confuses me because my voice and tone aren't feminine... But I'm never concerned about it. I just genuinely do not give a crap. King x
^This^ I think the main differences are that you hear your own voice differently than others and that sound systems tend to change how your voice sounds.
I get refered to as Sir all the time in public. Sometimes is more like "sir??" or any inflections you can think of. I usually don't correct them becuase I don't really feel the need to since I don't know them personally and probably won't see them again anyway. The only thing that would bother me is when they realized they made a mistake and start making a big deal appoligizing for it. Or even worse is when they look me up and down and stare at me to figure out if I really am a girl. I don't know if this will always work, but, perhaps when you bump into a situation like that again, don't use gender specific words if you really don't have to. You saw their name tag, just refer to them by their name.
I concur with shfh...if they look you up and down then look at you like they don't believe you when you say your gender. Profusely apologising just makes everything worse because it draws in the attention of others that weren't involved. That would embarrass me more than the misuse of pronouns. Now that's a good idea!
