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Anyone want to read and critique? Warning-- it's physical, and detailed. But no sex.

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by addie88, May 28, 2012.

  1. addie88

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    This is all true. It actually happened last night. Any suggestions or input on writing quality would be much appreciated.

    The porch lights shining through the thin material gave everything inside the tent a reddish-orange glow. Somehow this hue intensified the electricity between us. It kept us awake, even though our bodies told us to sleep.
    “Answer the question,” I whispered.
    Her voice was delicate, like the ring of a small bell, when she teased, “I’m sorry, did you say something?”
    And suddenly her face was very close to mine. I was trapped—caught off-guard by the intensity in her greenish-brown eyes, distracted by the way she gently bit her lower lip, struck powerfully by her undeniable beauty.
    How had I never noticed her radiance before this?
    She knew she was manipulating me. In fact, she was reveling in it. But my question was important—are my feelings reciprocated. I already knew the answer, but I needed to hear it. So I persisted.
    “Please—”
    I was interrupted this time when she pressed her lips against mine. I tried to turn my head, but her hand wound itself into my hair. Chills ran down my spine when her fingers grazed the sensitive area on the back of my neck. I tried to speak anyway.
    “Excuse me,” I laughed, when I had the chance. “I was talking.”
    Her reply was forceful. “You’re not gonna talk right now.”
    We were both smiling.
    When someone shifted in their sleeping bag on the other side of the tent, we both froze. My hand on her waist, hers in my hair, and our foreheads touching as we waited, holding our breath. The light snoring presumed, and I sat up and gently pushed her until she was lying face-up on the ground. And then our roles were reversed.
    “Please,” I murmured, as I began to kiss her on the side of her mouth and down her jawline, “It’s just one little word.”
    Mumbling incoherently, she turned her head so that I could kiss her neck. I breathed heavily onto her skin and delighted in her squirming—imagining what sort of chills were running through her body as I lightly licked a trail toward her ear.
    “You already know the answer,” she sighed.
    “But I want to hear you say it,” I laughed. Biting her ear lightly, I said again, “Just say yes.”
    Her back arched when I breathed hotly into her skin.
    “Yes…” she finally whispered, blushing. I laughed exuberantly when she turned away from me and curled up into a ball.
    “Well that was difficult,” I said joyfully.
    “You don’t have to be so smug about it.”
    She sounded annoyed, but apparently not enough to keep her from scooting closer to me when I laid down next to her. I reached out to tuck her hair behind her ear. She shifted, and then I felt her fingers touch mine.
    Her hand was warm, and her eyes were smiling.

    And I was falling in love.
     
  2. super confused

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    Re: Anyone want to read and critique? Warning-- it's physical, and detailed. But no s

    This is quite well written. I like it; it's very sweet. :slight_smile:
     
  3. anonymous1

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    Re: Anyone want to read and critique? Warning-- it's physical, and detailed. But no s

    Nicely written and I like how descriptive it is. I could practically feel my crush's hand on my neck while reading it. You are one very lucky girl :slight_smile:
     
  4. addie88

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    Re: Anyone want to read and critique? Warning-- it's physical, and detailed. But no s

    Yes, I'm very lucky. And thank you.

    Thanks :slight_smile: