Does it grate on anyone else when people say "it'll happen when you least expect it" "You don't need a boyfriend/girlfriend" "It takes time" When you really want a relationship. Or Did it actually happen when you didn't expect it to?
when i was about 14, i honestly had an awesome relationship with a guy for a few months. (to me we were just really good friends though, still feel bad to this day....) was i looking for him? no. was it awesome? yes. and again when i was 18, first serious relationship came when i wasnt looking. just got out of a thing..., then a few weeks later asked out a girl on a whim not really thinking she would say yes... but she did i was shocked haha. so then i had to sort of make the best of the situation i wasnt really prepared for.... but then good times just happened and i fell in love by accident. sometimes good things are just round the corner when youre not looking, you just honestly never know if you want a relationship badly (like if you want anything badly) pretty sure you can go and get one. no one ever says they things to me, lol. did when i was younger, not now though. im content with myself. relationship status is irrelevant lol. it would be nice to have someone, but im not searching.
It doesn't bother me because it's true, if you go looking for a relationship, it usually takes longer. I'd rather spontaneously meet somebody that's right for me rather than finding someone that isn't. I guess it's each to their own!
Yeah, it bugs me, too. A lot. No matter who says it. I think what really bugs me about it is that when people say things like, "It'll happen when you're least expecting it," or "When you stop trying find it, it'll come to you," they're putting the blame for our inability to find a relationship on our desire for a relationship. They're saying we don't have a relationship because we want one. And that's all kinds of messed up. On top of that, we can't help our feelings. We can decide how we act on our feelings, certainly, but we can't help feeling what we feel. So when someone blames our desires for the fact that we don't have what we desire, they're putting the blame for it on something we can't control: the fact that we want a relationship. It makes us feel like we're at fault for not having this thing we want, and it makes us feel powerless to do anything about it. So yes, it's totally reasonable that it would grate on you.
I'm guilty of saying all those things, but hear me out for a sec I know it can seem really annoying and everything, but I don't say it just to be nice or to solve someone's problem easily (I'm not one to sugarcoat stuff for people). I say it because I feel like its the truth and its based on my own experiences. With all my relationships, the ones that I have truly enjoyed happened without me looking for it and they did happened I was least expecting it. In the other hand, all the relationships that I have had that I despise happened because I went out of my way to date anyone who had a pulse and who I was slightly attracted to. If you want details just PM since I don't want to write a novel here lol The reason why I think its easier to not think about a relationship in order to get one is because that way you allow yourself to enjoy life even if you don't find someone. If you go out to a bar looking for a relationship and you don't find one, then you are going to have a shitty time. If you go to the same bar just to have a good time, then you will have an awesome time and that alone will attract people to you.
I agree with everything you say, Gus; I wrote pretty much all that in my post in S&A about how to find a relationship, and my experience matches your own (minus the bad relationships when I go looking, because my attempts to find a relationship haven't been successful). But sadly, that doesn't make it any less infuriating to hear it.
Never been in a relationship of any type, and I pretty much don't expect it to ever happen. I'm one of those guys thats no good with the whole meeting people/social interaction thing...and basically not someone would want to go out with. That all said I'm still of the opinion of "never say 'never' "
As someone who uses the offending sentences often enough... I usually forget that it can be taken as "blaming the victim". I usually intend it as a friendly "Don't worry! there's nothing wrong with you! Never despair! Don't let your current setback convince you that it's impossible!" Much like saying "Relax!" doesn't mean I'm trying to belittle the issues of people who are stressed out. Of course, taking it to its logical extreme, it becomes a kind of zen koan: "to attain enlightenment, you have to give up all hope of ever attaining enlightenment". Which makes no sense. Still, the best general advice for every issue usually starts with: "don't despair, take some deep breaths, and take a casual approach. Panic is the worst councilor". Still doesn't mean I'm not slightly infuriated when other people use the above on me
Interesting; I never thought of it that way. Kind of like what Filip put, I usually just say it as a way for people to stop beating themselves up (ironically), but I guess it doesn't always have that effect. I'm also a believer of "if what you're doing isn't working, try something different", and in this case, it might just mean that the person in question needs to step back and take a break from searching if all it's ending is in heartache. I do really believe in the idea that love will come when you aren't looking for it. I mean, when you're really comfortable with yourself, by yourself, isn't that when you'll shine the most as yourself? In a way, if you're letting yourself just be yourself, then when you do meet someone they'll be meeting you for what you are... ...if that makes any sense, I used a lot of "you's" and "yourself's" there. <_<
when i tell people things like that, i'm not trying to upset them: i'm just trying to help them focus on something other than their apparent lonliness. by saying "it'll happen when you least expect it," i mean "stop worrying, just relax and enjoy life!"
No one has ever said that to me, but I have said it to people before. Looking back, I have never said it when people just casually expressed that they'd like to be in a relationship. There's nothing wrong with that at all. The type of person I'd be more likely to say it to is someone who lets finding a boyfriend/girlfriend rule their life, which is clearly unhealthy. It's true that we can't help our feelings, but if dating is on their mind that frequently, I think the person should take a step and ask WHY it is so important to them. Is it just because they'd like a partner to share things with, or is it some underlying insecurity, like the need to prove that they're desirable and worthy of someone else? If it is the latter or something similar, I'd say the person should first work on their confidence before pursuing a relationship. Another reason is that a lot of potential suitors may notice an air of desperation, and wonder: "Is this person going to be clingy?" Dependence is not hot to the majority (and if it is, that's usually not someone you'd like to be involved with). Again, I'm not talking about the average person who wants a relationship, I'm describing the type of person with an unhealthy obsession with one. On the other hand, when people say those kinds of things, often they just mean something like this. 1) Having certain expectations to score at the bar or wherever else people go to find relationships can turn out to be disappointing. Does that mean something is wrong with them? No, it just means that the "right" person for them wasn't there at that time, and well, why go home sad that their daydreams didn't come true tonight when they could be having fun? 2) When trying to attract a mate, a lot of people will try to impress by dressing, acting, talking, etc. a certain way that may not be natural to them, and being unauthentic can come back to bite them in the ass when someone learns that they're not the person they thought they were, or it may just come off as awkward and like they're being fake. This is not to disregard anyone's feelings; it is perfectly understandable why this statement can sound offensive, but in truth, most people don't mean it that way and are just trying to help.
