Before I begin, I want people to know that I'm not an egotistical type of person. I am a perfectionist, so if anything I could use more self-esteem. But most people put me more on the "pretty people" end of the spectrum and I have spent my share of time improving my appearance. But why is it, that just because some people are more attractive than the majority, must they either be... A. Isecure....B. Horrible people...or... C. Insecure and Horrible People >_>. Almost every topic on here related to appearance, or posters believing they are "ugly", are followed by people explaining, the seemingly horrible life of the attractive. Like "they need other people's reassurance to keep thier egos", and "they are usually the most concieted people". Its is not ok for people to call or consider other people ugly, but you are doing the same exact thing by trying to put the people considered pretty, hot, etc... down too. We need to teach people to love the way that they look, not to pity or hold resentment to those "more attractive" than them. No one chooses how they look. If some people are naturally more attractive than others, than we dont have the right to sit back and pick them apart, anymore than they have the right to do that to us. I'm sorry if I came across "rant-ish", I'm just sick of hearing this. Our looks are not what define us. Some people are more attractive than us. Some are more intelligent and talented. Some people are more attractive, intelligent, and talented lol. But that doesnt give us the right to treat them as any less human than anyone else. Just Because There Are People Worse Off Than Me Doesnt Make Me Any Worse Of A Person.
Quite frankly, it's not fair that people like you don't have to work to get sex while a few of us go our entire lives being rejected by one after the other. When we finally do get sex, it's with someone we had to settle for, or someone we wouldn't have even looked at if we had looks like yours. We can't "screw" like you get to, we only get "making love". We never get to properly view ourselves as young, beautiful, sexual beings. When we try to express ourselves sexually, be it through pornography or art or plain sex, we're demonized as "disgusting", "fat", "old", and "ugly" for things we can't even improve much less born with. The best we can ever hope for is being bearable frumps who need the lights turned off. Veritable monsters, whose partners only took the sexual part of the package because they had to. On top of this, it's not even something you can earn (like money or fame.) You're pretty much locked into your "caste". And some of us are going to have low self-esteem if we've been relegated to the untouchables. So, it's no wonder we're resentful. A "We are the 99%" kind of thing. I'd give anything not to have this body.
I think it is a method of teaching people to love the way they look, but from a different perspective. The replies in those threads aren't with the malicious intent of putting all the beautiful people down, but rather getting people to acknowledge that beauty is only skin deep, through a "the grass is always greener" idea. A lot of the time, people who make those threads often suffer from self-esteem issues themselves (as does the vast majority of our society). If someone is feeling down about their appearance, it isn't exactly reassuring for them to hear "well, you're nice, but they're pretty AND nice, even though looks don't matter, just saying". Sometimes, while honesty is the best policy, supporting people means telling people what they want (or need) to hear to get them to move past whatever headspace of clouded judgement they're stuck in. And quite honestly, if something looks too good to be true, it usually is. I'm not saying there aren't people who are classically attractive and incredibly nice people, it's just they aren't the majority of the classically attractive people. On that note, there's just as many people who are classically unattractive and absolute douchebags. I'm not trying to downplay the fact that you're bothered by this, but really, if you're on the high end of the two things people judge each other on in terms of attractiveness (physical appearance and personality), you could have it much worse. No, it's not nice to let people assume you're the most terrible person on the face of the planet, but there are just as many false assumptions about unattractive people too. tl;dr You're definitely not the only one who's feeling offended or judged because of their appearance. 1) There's more to life than sex. 2) There's more to being attractive than having a smokin' body. 3) Barring a few things, if you really, really want an "attractive" body, you can get it. It'll take loads of work, diet/exercise, and possibly surgery, but it's not out of reach. It's not nearly a fair comparison to say ugly people are like "the untouchables".
None of these things make being an older, unwanted virgin any more bearable, especially when male culture continually derides you for it. I tire of hearing so often from people that there's something mentally wrong with me for being a virgin, or that I'm a coward (as if that had anything to do with it) or some other point of ridicule. Perhaps I'm not yet finished with the task, or maybe I need to do more things, but so far losing weight and getting a new haircut hasn't done anything better for my sex life. I've excelled in all the other areas of my life, certainly. I'm no loser, in fact, I have it better than damn near everyone I know. But my personal life, thus far, has been an extravagant failure, for no reasons of my own, and staying sane necessitates that I pretend that sex doesn't even exist. Realizing you can never truly be a man gets to you after a while.
@BudderMC. I completely agree with you. Like I said I didnt mean to come across as though I was blaming unattractive people. I was speaking to the people that specifically make those comments. I get the reasoning behind why people say these things to bring people up. Its just that truthfully its not true, and its not nice to brand people as being a certain way because of thier looks, because most "attractive" people arent even aware that people would consider them attractive. @Zontar. I get what your saying. But at the same time you have to look on the other side of the fence. Just because I can go out and hoe myself out to everything that moves isnt a blessing. The technically first impression of someone is always their appearance, and the first reason someone will seek you out is usually your appearance, but after that your on the same page as everyone else. Appearance is not the basis for attraction. The reasons why we find someone attractive is followed by a system of emotions and preferences. Those who are more universally attractive only have the traits that are usually sought after. What makes you think your ugly? You kept refering to yourself in the "we".
Whoring yourself out isn't good no matter what you can do. Everyone but straight guys can do that. I could do that with my infinite selection of diseased old men on craigslist. I'm talking about how much easier it must be not to have to play mind games with someone you're attracted to just to get them to even consider you. Promiscuity is bad no matter who you are (and the fact that male culture encourages it is infuriating). Appearance is the sole consistency of sexual attraction. Emotional attraction is something else. Everything else is as good as a friendship, of which I have plenty of already. Without physically looking good, how could I expect my partner to ever want me more than out of obligation? 21 years old virgin. Sums it up. All my life, I've never felt like I was worth going out with. My story is not dissimilar from others'. Honestly, you're a nice guy and I don't intend to snap at you (because I'm not angry at you), but it's not as simple as telling us to "love our bodies." It's rather difficult to do that knowing your partner will never be able to love your body more than out of obligation, or knowing that sex will never be truly good or fulfilling. Even worse on the dating scene, it's difficult to market something you know full well is shoddy.
Folks, I'm going to jump in here with a few thoughts, because I feel like the conversation is pretty negative. First, not *all* super-attractive guys are insecure, horrible, or both. I've met quite a few people who are truly beautiful, both inside and out. Now, that said, I have found that a disproportionate number of unusually attractive people *are* insecure or egotistical, and having had some deep conversations with a number of them, it's not that hard to understand why. What I've been told is, for the people that others consider "really beautiful" it's a blessing and a curse. They tend to stand out, get showered with attention, and constantly having people wanting to be their friend/boyfriend/etc. Sounds great, right? Well... not always. Some of the most attractive people are the most hurt/broken/insecure/conceited in part because they are sick of being thought of as objects. The overwhelming majority of people that come up to them are shallow and only interested in looks; they are looking for a "trophy boyfriend", or people want to have sex with them just because they're hot. Now that might sound like sour grapes, but I've had a number of pretty close friends who have told me they'd be happy to find someone who was "average" or not conventionally attractive, if the person really loved them for who they are. But unfortunately, that's rare, in part because the sweet, beautiful-inside people are often the ones who think of themselves as completely out of the league of the "beautiful" people and don't even try. And, conversely, if they do, often the beautiful people are completely numbed out and bitter because so many people have only wanted them for their looks. The bottom line is, particularly in gay male culture, there's entirely too much emphasis placed on physical beauty. It's shallow, it's bullshit, and it doesn't make for healthy relationships. But until enough people start looking at things differently, or at least, until people find others who look at things differently and hang out together... it isn't going to change. In the meantime, the overwhelming majority of these sorts of issues come up in clubs and bars. If you stop going to those meat markets, and instead look for people in other venues... book clubs, dinner groups, hiking clubs, etc... you're a lot more likely to find people who are interested in the real person rather than the skin-deep beauty. Finally, I know a bunch of people who are not at all what one would call conventionally attractive. Yet they are happy, well adjusted, have partners and fulfilling lives. These are people that have learned to love themselves for who they are, instead of being angry or bitter about what they don't have. And that's something that all of us can achieve, if we put the effort in to do so.
I've absolutely seen this with one of my closest online friends. Used continuously. The worst part about it is that he is instantly "in love" with every guy he goes out with, doubling down on the pain when the other guy inevitably breaks it off. Each side has its cross to bear, I suppose. My argument has thus far neglected the overwhelmingly negative impact of having hundreds of partners at a time, beautiful or otherwise. That is a cultural problem that we should begin holding ourselves accounted for. The man in me doesn't want to "eat the beautiful people" (okay, he does ;3), the man in me just wishes nobody got left behind.
If this thread is in response to what I think it is, then I have to say that I was really offended by it too. On a separate but related note--even though I respect and totally understand what a lot of people are saying here too, I have to disagree in part. The fact is that we live in a society where you are going to be judged by your appearances by a vast majority of people, from the bank to the boardroom to the market. It's just going to happen. If I'm muffin-topping out of my jeans, I'd want a real friend to tell me about it so I can fix it. If my smile is a little lack-luster, I'd like to hear it from somebody before I go to my interview or on my date or whatever so I can be the best version of me that I possibly can be. When criticism is meant constructively, everybody wins. You get one first impression. We can sit on the sidelines all day and complain about how unfair and shallow and idiotic our society is but at the end of the day you won't be any better off for it. It's true that a lot of very good looking people are shallow and just jerks in general, but everybody else has that same potential for cruelty and meanness. I personally look at fashion and beauty as a sport, and anyone can compete. You just have to put in the time and the effort like you would for anything else. I'm not "classically handsome," my face is too round and my nose is too big and button-shaped for that, but we all have our strengths and we should play to them. Myself as an example, I have very, very nice teeth. But my parents spent a lot of money on braces and bleaching. I lived a lot of sleepless nights because of spacers and chains and everything else my orthodontist put me through at my physical and financial expense. I raced out of class and drove as fast as I possibly could (because I never had time to spare) to his office across the city month after month for check-ups and even now two years after the fact I still have to remember to see him every six months. There's nothing special about me, I'm just making the effort, and I don't see anything wrong with reaping the benefits. Anyone could do it. And now I'm on a tangent, but I also think that sex is overrated. We're young. We have our whole lives ahead of us. We should aspire to be more than sex-machines. We should aspire to be spending our time more wisely than on a different dick every night. When you're 70 years old what are you going tell your kids or your grandchildren? "I suck the meanest dick this side of the Mississippi?" So what if someone doesn't want to tear your clothes off and whisk you to the nearest fuck-chamber? My best friend is a genuine goddess. A sex kitten that all the boys and the girls want. She always takes center stage and I've heard it from her own mouth, it isn't always sequins and cocktails. There's a dark side to that glamour and beauty too--you're bent over a stool getting fucked by some guy that won't acknowledge you before 10:00 because his wife isn't asleep yet. You walk into a bar and some drunk asshole tries to reach up your skirt. It's hot and humid but you're wearing a jacket because your friend's dad is always trying to look down your shirt. Good-looking people are victims of society as much as anyone else is.
Well, it's not true... for you. It still holds true for a lot of people. There are a lot of attractive people who have less than great personalities, just like there are a lot of unattractive people with shining personalities. It's a stereotype, yeah, but stereotypes exist for a reason; at one point in time, the trait was a commonality amongst the group. And the idea that all attractive douchebags will suddenly become nice isn't something that changes over time. In that sense, the stereotype holds true. Anyway, the point is, it's a stereotype like any other. Unattractive people hold their fair share of stereotypes. As do douchebags, as do nice guys, as do straight people, as do LGBT people. We all have to suffer through them. I'm gonna throw this out there, and I may be wrong, but think of it this way: You're far less likely to meet someone who won't approach you because you're attractive and therefore a douchebag than to meet someone who won't approach someone because they're unattractive (and frankly don't care what their personality is like). You lead with your appearance first, personality second (in terms of who you attract); it's much easier to "reel someone in" with your good personality once they meet you than it is for someone who's unattractive to get them in the first place. And for those unattractive people, if others are less likely to approach them, it may be up to them to take the lead and approach others; but if they're self-conscious about their looks they're probably less inclined to take that step. It's a vicious self-esteem cycle, if you get what I'm getting at. And yeah, a lot of "attractive" people don't know they're attractive. But if someone is receiving compliments on their looks frequently enough, some amount of it is bound to sink in, which leads to the commonly seen superiority complex in some attractive people. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder; everyone is attractive to someone. Classically attractive people just hear it from their peers moreso than everyone else.
Even if you are what could be considered aesthetically pleasing, you don't get what you want. I'm not a major hunk, but I do stay in shape and most say I look younger than my age. I can assure you that life is not a cakewalk. There will always be some reason that someone doesn't want you. It usually comes down to my sexual preferences that someone turns out not wanting me. I'm not a shallow person. I won't turn someone away for things society usually sees as ugly like an abnormally large nose/ears, buck teeth or other things of that sort. I'd have to say tho that overweight is a turn off. If not sexually certainly for the simple fact that I view it as a sign of not being able or willing to keep up with my active lifestyle and being able to share that together. I don't want to be with someone and still be doing everything by myself. What would be the point. That's not to say that if something horrible happened after being together and my partner became disabled in some way that I'd abandon him. Certainly not. I'd find ways to keep him as active as he would like to be. But for starting out a relationship I feel it's an important bonding aspect for my lifestyle.
Partly because it makes life easier to believe so. I don't have enough data, information or knowledge to tell you if there are grounds for the theory that attractive people are more insecure or egoistic. But I do believe that in today's society, "physical attractiveness" is one of the unnecessarily demeaned qualities out there - i.e. if you like someone because of their academic achievements, that's fine; but if you like someone because they have a hot body, that's just shallow. FYI: I have neither a conventional attractive body nor a conventional attractive face, just in case you question my potential bias. To be honest, I believe that this statement is one of the reasons behind this phenomenon: "Quite frankly, it's not fair that people like you don't have to work to get sex while a few of us go our entire lives being rejected by one after the other." Sometimes, in order to feel better of ourselves, we demean an "outsider" group. So what's my current standing on this situation? 1. This is one of the illusions that I don't think necessary to dispel. If it makes people happy thinking that attractive people are mostly douches, why debunk the belief that potentially makes them happier and more confident? 2. For the attractive people who unfairly fall into the stereotype, perhaps let it go? Life does not evenly distribute resources, if you're privileged enough to receive a trait that is favourable in today's society, there's no need to rub it in. Once people get to know you, they'd realize you're not that egoistic and insecure anyway...
That's great, except that the culture of beauty, attractiveness, perfect weight, perfect hair is absolutely drilled into everyone in western culture by the media, advertising, the motion picture industry, and most everything else involved in big business. And according to Brene Brown's research, that advertising and media focus on appearance is one of the strongest shame triggers and biggest drivers of shame that we face today. Corporations selling crap that people don't need can only get people to buy it if they convince them that they are substandard, unloveable, and won't belong without it. So it's not enough to just go "Oh, well" because the problem has gotten notably worse (not to mention the incidence of shame, and the byproducts of shame... addiction, debt, prescription drug use, obesity, etc in society). The way we change this is by understanding and addressing it; "critical awareness" to use the psychological term. The more we educate people about the bullshit they've been fed, and the more people can understand and reject it, the more we are able to love ourselves... and as we do, the less we will place people who happen to be unusually attractive on pedestals, and will instead focus more on things that are real rather than illusory.
