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Harry Potter and Defense Against the Dark Arts: How it mirrors our shame

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Chip, Jun 12, 2012.

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  1. Chip

    Chip
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    So I just read a wonderful blog entry by Brene Brown, who, it turns out, is a closet Harry Potter fan.

    It's a beautiful story about an interaction she had with a man who attended one of her lectures, and how it changed his view of himself, and why working on his own "dark stuff" is so important.

    Someone please hit me if I'm talking about Dr. Brown's work too much :slight_smile: but I'm increasingly seeing that opening to shame and vulnerability really is key to just about every aspect of being emotionally healthy, and even more so for LGBT people.
     
    #1 Chip, Jun 12, 2012
  2. BudderMC

    BudderMC
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    You do seem to post about her a lot lately, but I'm skimming through the entry in between doing math questions and it seems pretty interesting, so I guess the posts are worth it. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    ...I'll chime in with something more exciting after I finish reading it <_<
     
    #2 BudderMC, Jun 12, 2012
  3. ArcaneVerse

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    Haha thats kinda epic in a cute geeky way.
     
    #3 ArcaneVerse, Jun 12, 2012
  4. BudderMC

    BudderMC
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    Okay, so I keep reading it over and thinking different things each time. This bit keeps sticking out to me:

    I mean, I understand the article for nearly the whole bit except here. The way I see it, doesn't shame come from other people seeing something we don't want to? And if they're seeing that, then weren't we vulnerable to begin with? But then I guess we close ourselves off to avoid that shame again... I think I just answered my own question.

    I dunno, it definitely made me think. Interesting article.
     
    #4 BudderMC, Jun 12, 2012
  5. Chip

    Chip
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    This is an important point. People often get confused about what, exactly, shame is.

    Basically, shame is the fundamental belief that "I am a bad person." Shame is ultimately the fear of loss of connection... "I'm a bad person, no one will love me / respect me / trust me" etc... And as Dr. Brown's research says, everyone has shame, and the less we talk about it and own it, the more we have it. So we numb to separate ourselves from the shame... and when we numb, we cut ourselves off from people, hide ourselves, "fit in" so that people will like us, making us, inauthentic and, at the same time, allowing us a layer of protection, making us less vulnerable. But the protection also means we can't connect deeply to others... and it is only when we allow ourselves to be open, to be seen, to be vulnerable that we can truly connect on a deep level with others, we can be fully authentic, and we can truly love and be loved.

    Also, keep in mind that vulnerability and weakness are completely different. Vulnerability is openness and connection; weakness is lack of strength.
     
    #5 Chip, Jun 12, 2012
  6. frozenandbroken

    frozenandbroken Guest

    Hmm, after searching around on her webpage, I'm thinking about buying one of her books. I think it be beneficial for me. Based on reading some other posts (on EC), and getting commented on mine, It seems apparent that I still have a certain amount of shame to work through...I guess I feel a certain amount of embarrassment that sometimes I'm not really all that confident, and have self-esteem issues. *sigh* It's difficult to explain it all.

    Are these books going to make me cry? Haha...

    Great post though, I always felt a lot of underlying themes within HP beyond just the magic of it all. And this lady Brene Brown seems equally as wonderful.
     
    #6 frozenandbroken, Jun 12, 2012
  7. dreamcatcher

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    Wow this lady is amazing. I feel like everything she says rings so true to my life. It honestly feels like she's summed up everything I've discussed in my therapy sessions with her videos. Anyways, I'm really glad you posted this Chip. :slight_smile:
     
    #7 dreamcatcher, Jun 12, 2012
  8. Chip

    Chip
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    To frozenandbroken:

    *All* of us have shame issues to work on, unless we've done a lot of self-work specifically on shame, so you're def not alone.

    I don't think the books will make you cry -- the stories and information in them don't seem to be the sort that do that, at least for me and the people I know that have read them. But I do think they'll make you think.

    "I Thought It Was Just Me" is her first book, and at that time, her research was mostly on women, so that book speaks more to women and shame, though there are many parallels to men. "Gifts of Imperfection" is a newer book, and reflects her newer research that includes men. It also has ten "guideposts" that are important issues to work on to help in living a more wholehearted life. So that might be a good place to start.

    I'm told her new book, "Daring Greatly", which comes out in September, will also talk in more detail about men and men's issues. But I'd think having the older books now would be a good place to start. Also, her three videos from her TED talks are on Youtube and give you a pretty good introduction to her work.

    To dreamcatcher: Yes, her work is, to me, the most important work being done in the field of psychology right now, and I think there's a potential for her work to find a permanent place in the psychology field next to people like Rogers, Jung, Freud, and some of the other revolutionaries in the field. That's part of why I'm so passionate about it. :slight_smile:
     
    #8 Chip, Jun 12, 2012
  9. Markio

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    I've never heard of this Irene Brown that you speak of (type of), but I can see parallels in her blog entry with a book I read for a class called Intimate Worlds by Maggie Scarf, about family systems and how they function (or not).

    In Scarf's book, she describes the rule-bound family, a family which operates on the notion that rules matter more than genuine human emotions. In these midrange families, the line between what someone "should" do and what someone actually wants becomes blurred and difficult to discern from one another.
    Say, for example, that a wife feels that her role is to be present at home when the husband returns home from work. Then let's say she is invited to spend the evening with friends. In the context of the rule-bound family, she may feel guilty if she defies the rule about being at home for her husband. Yet by staying home and denying herself the pleasure of her friend's company, she may then harbor resentment against her husband, projecting the unfairness of the internalized rule onto her husband, for whom she is staying home. How she actually feels about being at home every evening does not enter her conscious thought, because in her mind that is simply the rule: that's what all people should do!

    The reason people internalize and follow these rules that repress the true emotions of the individuals is because doing so allows the person to avoid getting hurt(being vulnerable). It is safer to just do what is expected of you than it is to share your true emotions with someone and face potential rejection. The downside of operating like this is that people can never truly get to know you because you never share your true emotions. People are only getting to know the person you think you "should" be.

    The section ended with a quote I love: "Without vulnerability, true intimacy cannot and does not exist."
     
    #9 Markio, Jun 12, 2012
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