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Bi, yet always finding myself with men.

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by laras, Jun 29, 2012.

  1. laras

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    I have always wanted to feel the relationship/support a woman could bring in a partnership. Yet explaining this to people who do not know is really scary too me. This is why I always find myself with a man.

    I have been dating men, getting in long term relationships with men and always wishing I would of taken opportunity to get in a real relationship with a woman. I have dated girls, fooled around with them but every time I have it has been at the same time I have been in a relationship with a man. During my last relationship I (with my ex’s consent) dated a girl just to explore my desires a bit more. The only problem was I did not want the girl to feel I was just dating her to bring her into a 3some. I would get close with her, then push her away so that situation never came up. It was painful for me, I wanted to feel the sincerity of a compassionate woman, someone who cares like I do, and someone who can know my body in only a way a woman could.

    I broke up with my ex for many reasons, he was into things I was not. He was a major pot head (something I cannot stand) depressed and always feeling the world was going to end. Didn’t want a family, or to even move out of his family’s house. The only way I got him to move out of his grandma’s was simply saying “well I am moving out, you are welcome to join me”. Then finding I was supporting him as much as his grandma. (I wanted a companion, not to be someone’s supporter)
    After that dramatic relationship I found myself in another relationship right after. This man is trustworthy and in my eyes beautiful. It is so much easier to be with a man, not “coming out” with your friends and family.

    But I can’t stop desiring women… am I just ruined?
     
  2. vyvance

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    You are not broken. You want what you want, and that desire doesn't make you broken.

    A potential first step you could take would be to just not date men. Start saying "No" when they ask you out, and don't ask them out yourself. You obviously have a strong desire a relationship with a woman, and dating men isn't going to make that desire go away.

    I dated women for a long time, though for different reasons as I'm not bi, and it just wasn't fulfilling my needs. It wasn't what I really wanted, and it did nothing but cause grief/stress/anxiety for me. Until I finally took the steps to get what it is I truly want, nothing could or did happen. I was stuck hating every minute of it, and feeling like I was "broken" somehow. This seems likely to be the case for you as well.

    You said you have done some minor dating with women before, so its apparent that you can find other women to date. Since you have the history to prove you can, just take that next step and shoot for a real relationship with a woman.

    I may be off base, but from what I gathered from your post a large part of your dating men is that you are afraid to date women because you would have to come out to family/friends. That's definitely a struggle for a lot of people, and part of what EC exists to support you in.

    It's much easier to say "Just do it" than your mind perceives and handles the stress of doing so in reality, but nothing can even happen until you start making the steps to "Just do it."

    Another good step would to focus on one relationship at a time. Its nice that your ex let you explore a bit, but its hard to balance that multi-relationship as you said. If you want to find a meaningful relationship with a woman it needs to be a 1 on 1 thing, because it's hard to maintain a meaningful relationship when your time and effort is spread thin through multiple romantic relationships.

    I wish I could tell you something better than "Just do it" that would just fix your problems with ease, but this really is a matter of just do it. That said, you don't have to do everything at once, as that would likely cause a lot of stress and feel somewhat overwhelming. Just take small steps, and do it in a manner that you can handle. Even if it's just one thing over the course of a few months, that is progress towards your ultimate goal.

    No one can decide what you will do for you, but EC will be here to support you in whatever decision you do make, and you can always look here for any support or advice you need in your endeavor.

    I hope I wasn't totally off base with my thoughts on the matter, and I hope any piece of this may be helpful in some way to you. (*hug*)
     
    #2 vyvance, Jun 29, 2012
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2012
  3. laras

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    I agree with what you said, "just do it"... however how do I not acknowledge my feelings towards men? I got in a relationship with a man right after i broke up with my ex. And he is so compatible with me. I feel broken because I always feel the desire to be with a woman. I do not seek this feeling however. I just always have this desire for it. I don’t hang out, or know someone I wish to be with… and its not that my current relationship shows compassion and support that I need. I am always just feeling a sense of loss… not knowing that side of me. Day dreaming about touching a woman’s hair, smelling their soft sent and wishing for more :frowning2:
     
  4. vyvance

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    There is nothing wrong with your desire to be with a woman, and it certainly doesn't make you broken.

    I was with a great woman that would likely have been the woman to marry, if I was straight, but despite that I always felt like something was missing. It was hard, not to mention terrifying, to make the decision to take steps to find what was missing, but now looking back I'm so glad I did.

    My advice to just stop dating men wasn't to suggest that you should give up on men forever, but rather a suggestion to help you move towards fulfilling your perfectly legitimate desire and eliminating the negative feeling you currently hold. Once you make the steps to really explore your feelings for women, you can re-evaluate the situation and decide what feels right to do. If, after having pursued you desire for women, you find that you no longer feel that sense of loss, you could very well have no problems or regret with dating men, and could in fact be perfectly happy with one. Or, you may find that women are in fact what you desire beyond the sense of loss, and continue dating women. Of course, that's not to say you can't jump between dating genders as you see fit, I just think the initial focus on dating women is the key to fixing the issue. Until you fill that hole and remove that sense of loss, it seems you are going to be unhappy with any male relationship.

    It just seems at this point that the option that will be most beneficial to you, and the only one that can fix that sense of loss, is to date women. You said you have no current romantic interests available in women, but opportunities can appear at any moment. While you may be single for a short time, if you end your current relationship, until you find that someone, staying in your current relationship simply isn't going to remedy the issue, and, in my opinion, with only prove to be a hindrance to resolving it.

    Now, should you decide to go that route, you don't have to just break things off with your boyfriend in a harmful way. You said he gives you support and compassion, so talking to him about these issues may help. You might let him know what you are feeling, how it is affecting you, and your desire, need really, to fix it. While it isn't guaranteed that he will support you in the matter, it is possible that he may very well understand and support you in it.
     
  5. laras

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    I can see him doing that, He came from a fet relationship before me. (something his ex explored but it was something he was not into) It helped me be more comfortable with him.

    I still fear however, not exploring my desire... and maybe risking a chance of being with someone that is as grateful and understanding as him.

    I spoke with someone I was really close with, about my situation. He was Christian and didn’t believe in people actually having emotions towards the same sex. It was his belief, and was really kind too me. He didn’t look down on me, just didn’t believe in it himself. I think this is the closest I have ever talked to someone outside of my current relationship. (this is why I was really excited about finding this website)

    I don’t know many gay/bi/trans/curious people... I really want the view of everyone who has had at least some of the same complications as I... vyvance, I don’t think you know how much I care for your input.

    I can see how exploring my feelings and finding myself in a steady long relationship would help me feel my longing. I hope beyond that I can find that person, someone who can love and want to be loved.

    Just wishing there was more oppertunitys to express and find that.
     
  6. vyvance

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    Glad to have been of any help. (*hug*)

    Should you find the need to discuss more privately about the matter, or any other matter, EC has a number of staff members that you can get in contact with, as well as an "Ask the Staff sub-forum towards the bottom of the main forum page.
     
    #6 vyvance, Jun 30, 2012
    Last edited: Jun 30, 2012
  7. SydneyChick

    SydneyChick Guest

    I can relate so much; it's insane.

    I'm in so many long-term relationships with men and I've fooled around with women but honestly, I just long for the compassion a woman can bring. I'm pretty out to my family and friends, basically anyone that knows me I have told but still, It's far from enough.
    When I was on and off with my ex, I was with a girl for the first time when I was broken up with my ex. Ever since then, it's something that plays on my mind constantly. Men don't seem to understand me either, I can always seek solace with talking to women because they understand my feelings so well.
    Whilst I was with my ex, I basically just longed for a relationship with a woman, which is pretty wrong. We all want what we cannot have though but still; It drives me crazy!
     
  8. laras

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    @Sydneychick

    Yep yep, Its good to know I am not alone. I still wonder why its always on my mind. I started relationships with women when I was 15 years old with my best friend at the time. Miss her, even still...