I've been married to my husband for 19 years. During the entire time, including when we were dating, he has never been very passionate. Often he would not want to have sex because he was tired, bloated or had a headache. He is emotionally distant and has no friends that he calls or hangs out with. He does not spontaneously kiss me or hug me or touch me in anyway. If I hug him he'll hug back but I have to initiate 99% of the time. Sex is infrequent. In the past he has looked at a lot of hetero porn, 18+ girls, but now i'm not sure. I haven't seen him look at gay porn. Prior to our dating he had a few short-term girlfriends but nothing serious. He said he always felt kind of asexual and that's why he didn't have a lot of sex. In high school and college he did have older friends who were gay whom he visited on occasion. He claims they were just friends and nothing ever happened. He loves to tell me about gay guys that he interacts with and how gay men have flirted with him from time to time over the years. Recently we separated for a couple of years because I couldn't stand living like a roommate. After 3 years we decided to get back together for the kids and because we missed having each other around. Since we've gotten back together, we have only had sex 6 times in 6 months. Although when he moved back I stated that I wanted my own bedroom bc it was too much of a guessing game each night as to whether it was that time where he would actually want to have sex. But I did invite him to visit me in my room and will sometimes sleep with him in his room. We read in bed until we fall asleep and then sleep back to back. He never kisses me, hugs me or shows physical affection toward me but claims he loves me so much. It has always been this way. He claims it's his repressed protestant upbringing and that his dad used to tease him about whether or not he had girlfriends and that that was somewhat traumatic and caused him to be repressed. We've had conversations about the lack of intimacy several times over the years including the time before we were married. Now he just says that "that's not who I am and I'm not going to change." When we do have sex he only gets excited when he's behind me. No foreplay, just dives right in. I've asked him several times over the years if he's gay and he always says no. The other night I asked him and he just didn't say anything committal one way or the other. It was so vague I don't even remember how he answered. Several of my friends, my pastor, and my sister and her ex-husband have suspected him to be gay . All of whom volunteered their opionions without any prompting on my part. In fact when we separated one of my friend's husbands actually asked his wife if it was because my husband is gay. Is there anyone out there who has had a similar experience? Was there a period where you were in denial???????
No one but your husband can know for sure if he's gay or not. And it does seem like he's getting a little less vehement in his denials, so perhaps he is. But there are other possibilities as well. Some men just have an extremely low sex drive. And some men have been sexually abused as children, which can turn them off completely from sex with anyone, male or female. If it's the latter, there's incredible shame associated with that and many men never tell their wives, or only do so after many years. So the bottom line really is, are you happy in your current relationship? He's basically told you this is how he is and it isn't going to change, and it doesn't sound like you're happy with that answer. But it basically is what it is and whether he's gay or not doesn't really affect things because even if he isn't gay, it doesn't seem like sex is something important to him, while it does seem important to you. Have you considered going to couples therapy? If you do, it's important that you go seeking to get along, not expecting any sort of change. But if the goal is to get along, then it might help. The bigger question, though, is what do you want to do long-term to be happy. If sex is important, then this relationship probably isn't going to work in the long term, whether he's gay or whether he has a low sex drive. If you do feel like his non-answer to your question might be a movement in the direction of his accepting himself, you might send him here. We have quite a few questioning folks, and just because he reads and posts here doesn't mean he's gay... only that he has questions and wants to explore himself.
I got really confused when I was reading this. You have yourself marked as "Male" on your profile, but you're a woman, right? I agree with everything Chip said. He could have some physical condition, like low testosterone, or something like that. Have you tried any "enhancement" products, like Viagra?
He might be gay, but I do not think that explains his complete lack of affection for you. There are many gay men who hug and show affection to the women in their lives, and can even make love to them if the woman initiates. What I think the problen with your husband is a deep trauma he is hidinf from you. Gay or not, it seems like something happened in other to make him become against sex and a social life. Perhaps you should dig deeper on his life before he met you. He might have been molested, bullied, or mistreated by parents and family. I sincerely thinks he needs help, perhaps professional, because it feels like you live with a stranger. He might be drowning ib misery and in a deep depression. I reccomend caution, but also immediate action.
