About Tops and Bottoms

hmm I never activley thought about this. However what I prefer in bed does not pertain to my relationship role. I am versatile in bed put i like being submissive during sex sometimes but as far as a relationship goes never thought of being the tough or soft one. You just are who you are those who feel that somebody needs to pick a role in a relationship is stupid to me. You doont say well im gonna be the "man in this relationship" or ill be the "woman" your role is indicitive to the person you are anybody making an active desicion of what role to play in a relationship lacks an identity.

 

Well I'm a very passive and shy person. So I guess I'd be the bottom sort of girl. I'm someone who wants to be led around by my special person, swept off my feet by them and letting them guide me.

As far as whether or not it pertains to everyone, it's likely. Regardless of gender preferences or gender identities there will always be romantics like me who want to be swept off their feet, and people who feel more comfortable doing the sweeping. This isn't to say all people are merely one or the other, and with others it may even change over time from what they like now. Just my thoughts on it.

 

I think it has to do a lot with gender roles too; people still feel this overwhelming need for gay couples to have a "man" and a "woman", even they understand that it doesn't have to be that way. The man would be a top, the woman a bottom, like in the vast majority of straight relationships. Of course, there's all the connotations that go with that too, like how bottoms are submissive, as women "should" have been, etc.

I think I have my own preconceived notions of what "role" I'd play, since I haven't been in a relationship, but I also think I'd be much quicker to break that role if my boyfriend wanted something different, because I'd care about their wants and needs as much as my own.

 

Mostly what Budder said. Straight people have a lot of trouble understanding what gay people like, since they don't have the same feelings. A lot of people try to force their perception of a gay relationship to match that of a straight one.

Since most straight relationships can only have one 'catcher' and one 'pitcher,' they think a gay relationship has to work that way, and don't understand that we are capable and, frequently, willing to do both. Then, you get into perceived gender roles and that the 'submissive' is supposed to be feminine, the bottom is always the taker, and other assumptions that rarely apply in committed relationships.

It's just what happens when people try to empathize with a feeling that they, by definition, don't feel.

 

I actually like the idea of tops/bottoms labels. It makes it easier to see how they're going to act as a person, In a relationship, etc.

 

I identify as top/vers.
If somebody told me they identified as one or the other, I wouldn't do or say anything.
I don't really have any positive or negative associations with either... I'm a little hesitant of people who are strictly top or bottom (which sort of makes me feel like they'd be a bit closed-minded in the bedroom) but if my future boyfriend identifies solely as one, I won't be worried about it.
What do I think when it comes to in the bedroom stuff? I'm not worried about it. If you mean associating it with roles in a relationship, I hate it and it's stupid and it's very similar to "who's the girl in the relationship".

King x

 

Once I got into a REAL relationship ♥♪ "top&bottom" lost the meaning pretty much. I only saw it on ads advertizing porn and stuff. It was just... poof! Gone.

 

Hmm, I've always identified (in the bedroom) as bottom/submissive.. Although in the relationship... I don't think that shapes my identity or role. Although for some people it does *shrug*
Whatever floats your boat

(I have yet to be in a relationship with a guy, so we'll see then I guess.)

 

Neither. I have tried and enjoyed both, and before that I was interested in trying both and enjoyed fantasising about both. The enjoyment in sex for me stems not so much from what I'm doing as why I'm doing it. I like it to be personal, intimate and pleasurable. I don't mind what the specific acts are.

I wouldn't think much of it, nor would I pursue discussing it. Some people simply don't want to try it out of disinterest, some have some sort of stigma attached to one or the other in their mind, others have certain fantasies or inclinations and aren't interested in anything else, etc. Whatever their reason I don't really mind.

Well, I don't hold any exclusive connotations myself. I associate both with romance and intimacy.

I think I would prefer to date someone who didn't mind doing either, but otherwise I don't have any strong feelings about it.

 

I think that the idea that there MUST be a "girl" in the relationship is a stereotype. However, many gay relationships have just a top and a bottom. The difference is the society would naturally see the bottom as the women and the top as the man. Although some gay people enjoy being seen as the women in the relationship and thus having thier partner be the manly man, it does not apply to everyone. Many botttoms are are equal levels of being in control in bed, and some are even the dominate role.

I'm saying that the idea of needing a dominate-submissive relationship is defiently a straight stereotype. But the idea of having a basically exclusive top and bottom is actually quite common because some people are satisfied with toping or dont enjoy bottoming. Personally, I do not get turned on by the idea of toping.......at all. If I for some reason had too, sure I could do it. I just would never outright choose too. There are many men who also arent turned on by bottoming.

So I believe top'ing, bottom'ing, and versatile are more preferences, than anything else. It could be tied to one wanting to be seen as the man or women in bed, or it could be tied to the relationship. There really isnt a right or "majority" answer. Its different for everyone.

 

I'm going to call you out; you don't actually know that, do you? It's quite an easy thing to assume, especially seeing as we do live in a society in which such stereotypes are spread like germs, but I don't think there's actually any data on it at all. From my own anecdotal experience, I don't know of any couples like that, and while they probably exist it's quite a stretch to claim blindly that many homosexual relationships work that way. :icon_wink

 

Well "many" is not a percentage. I would never say "most" because that would be saying that the majority were a certain way, which niether of us can prove. So of course it is opinionate, it is just what I have seen and observed. But all of our post are opinionated in that sense.

But, yes. Many homosexual relationships do work in that way. Taking away all of the lebals, there are many people who would not enjoy having sex a certain way. Just because we are gay and have a option of having sex both ways does not mean we will all enjoy it both ways. People have preferences, some like oral some dont. Believe it or not there are some relationships in which they do not have anal sex at all. I was saying that for everyone, its not a underlining reason. For some it is a masculine-feminine or dominate-submissive ideal. For some it just how they like to have sex.

My use of "many" was correct, because many people do have a "top" and "bottom". I'm not speaking for the majority, because truthfully none of us would have ability to make that assumption.

 

Ahhhh, the old tops vs. bottoms discussion. I've always found this dichotomy quite interesting.

Many gay people, both males and females, subscribe to the tops and bottoms role definitions. With gay males, it's especially important, it seems, but that could just be the ones I know. With the guys, I know it's important that they put it out there because of hookups. Many guys don't like being the bottom, and many prefer to be the bottom, and while you can always work together in relationships to sort of figure it out and be more versatile, many people simply like what they like as far as hookups go. I don't begrudge them that.

That's the more casual version of it. Then you have guys who completely define their out-of-bedroom behavior by these roles. This is where you get into the relatively more complex terms like submissive top, bottom bitch, power bottom, etc. I guess people are allowed to claim any term they like to describe themselves, but I don't get why you would . I know that there are legitimately a lot of guys who do like to be "the girl" in a relationship and be taken care of vs. being the caretaker. Perhaps the terms are just useful.

I've seen girls do somewhat the same thing, though I think it fundamentally applies less since having penetrative sex where both partners are pleasured simultaneously isn't as much of a given for girls hooking up with other girls.

 

i think there are a couple of concepts pertinent to your question, including but not necessarily limited to these two:

i think some people love receptive anal sex and prefer it, some people love insertive sex and prefer it, and some people enjoy both.

Separately, i think some people love to be dominated and prefer if their partner is dominant, some people love to dominate and prefer if their partner is submissive, and some people enjoy both.

With regard to the former, i very much enjoy insertive sex but i REALLY love receptive anal sex (both at the same time would just be heaven {yes you can call me a slut =P} ).

With regard to the latter, i very much enjoy both domination and submission. That makes me what many call a 'switch'. I've had little opportunity to be submissive with a partner unfortunately but look forward to giving it a try!

 

I think it's typical of most stereotypes. There's a bit of truth mixed in with a lot of misconceptions.

No relationship is made up of two clones. The two people involved are different in a ton of different ways. And it seems people tend to assign roles based on those differences. (I'll stick with men to keep the discussion in my sphere of experience.) The dominant guy in the relationship is often assumed to be:

the taller of the two
the one who has the larger salary
the one who makes most of the decisions
the one who does the least amount of housework
the sexually dominant one
the "top" sexually - the guy who gets head, and who inserts when they do anal

And it's not like this never happens. I'm sure there are relationships that fit this to a T. But it certainly isn't the case of all, or even most, relationships. For instance, I'm a top, and I'm taller than my partner...but he outearns me, I do most of the housework, and if we're going somewhere together, he nearly always drives. I've found that most people aren't shocked by any of this information - "Why aren't YOU driving the car? You're taller!"

Sex

 

Ok, so obviously, these are my opinions that I have derived at from my own observations.

When you talk about the "in bed," I think its just a matter of preference. Whatever they prefer, whether thats one, the other, or don't mind either. However, when you talk about stereotypes on the community as a whole, I think its more about gender roles than what happens in bed. I think that people expect one to do the things that women traditionally did (like traditional Victorian expectations of women) and the other of a man. I think people expect what happens in bed completely defines their role in their relationship. For me at least, I think that traditional gender roles don't apply.

For example, if you had a couple living together, its not that one will always be cleaning and cooking and doing laundry and the other, going to work, working with the couple's finances, fixing/repairing things... I think traditional gender roles do not apply. When a person lives alone, they have to take care of everything but only for themselves - they are technically serving both as a "man" and a "woman" in traditional gender roles. When there is a couple, they have to still take care of everything - together. Like in basic economics, ideally, you would have specialization. Its like that - one person specializes in certain things and the other in another so both of them don't need to use time to do one thing individually. So one can cook, do the finances, and do laundry while the other can handle the cleaning and fix/repairing. They can appeal to their strengths and do what they need to. For example, like I think in bed, I would be more of a "bottom" however that doesn't mean I cook, I clean, and I do laundry. Obviously I could, but when in a relationship, taking in consideration the other person's strengths and weaknesses as well, I would absolutely love to clean, but I am also relatively handy and can handle some fixing of thing and don't really know how to cook. Two different roles in traditional gender roles.

Ultimately, I think if you are talking strictly about the "top" and "bottom" in bed, absolutely, there is a huge mixed bag. However these do not necessarily define their role in a relationship.

 

I guess my concept is a little naive, too. I've never been in a relationship before. I'll have to find out for sure if that day ever comes.

 

"Heeey, Baby! How You-doin'??" hehehe

Well, I prefer the idea I would be doing stuff, not so much getting it done to me. But that does not mean I would never allow it. Love allows a lot.