'Age is just a number'

[Cogged Wings]

Alright, here's an interesting enough topic. What are your thoughts on the subject matter that saying "age is just a number"? I'll specify it by saying, not some outrageous difference in age (ie ~15 years with the youngest being a young teen) but only a few years, like with such a case where the older person may be in their early 20s and the younger may be in their early teens. Basically an age difference that would be reasonable had the older person been under 18, but suddenly becomes socially unacceptable because one is an 'adult' while the other is not.

[This is how it is in the US, so it may not, and most likely will not, apply to many other places. But I'm not worldly so I don't know]

[gmac]

Because early teens is still a baby. Adults should date adults and kids date kids. 18 or 19 & 16 is more accepted but 21 and 14 is wrong.

[Scenestealer]

I think it doesn't matter. If it's worth it though the two will wait till legal age.

[IrisM]

A relationship is about more that just sex, a lot more. If they really love eachother and want to stay together the best, responsible thing to do would be to wait the years until both are of consenting age. They can still spend time together and do romantic things together, but they should be patient with other stuff.

That being said I'd date someone who was 18, but I'd also date someone who was 38. If you like them enough, and they like you enough. Even if you need to respect that 'activities' might not be a part of the equation, I don't see much of a problem with age gaps in some cases. This doesn't mean I condone pedophilia or something mind you. I just think perhaps that 14-17 dating someone in like the 18-22 range, but not doing stuff that shouldn't be done with kids could theoretically be ok, once again if it was done responsibly and both parties were in complete agreement. As much as the world may frown on them, two people who really love eachother will always find a way after all, so it's healthier to accept it sometimes and just lay down some ground rules.

[Scenestealer]

Originally Posted by IrisM

This doesn't mean I condone pedophilia or something mind you. I just think perhaps that 14-17 dating someone in like the 18-22 range, but not doing stuff that shouldn't be done with kids could theoretically be ok, once again if it was done responsibly and both parties were in complete agreement.

It also requires parental consent in the U.S.

[BudderMC]

I disagree with it, to some extent. Of course, everything around this topic is followed with the clause "within reason".

Younger people (non-adults) should not be dating adults, and that I'm pretty adamant about. Given the number of "relationships" kids (relatively) go through while growing up, it's pretty clear that the vast majority of them are not able to be in a serious relationship. Couple that with the fact that an adult presumably has had more experience, it's a very one-sided relationship in terms of power.

Young adults could probably date older, but I think that's more borderline, for similar reasons as above. Again, the age range would be "within reason". There's also the issue of people being in different stages of their lives, which I'll leave to someone else to explain better (I seem to butcher it :/).

I'd say it's understandable if both parties know what they're getting into; it's not my place to tell people they can't do what they want. But I don't think it's necessarily advisable. Age, while technically just a number, has a lot of things associated with it... and a lot of those things are also associated with power within our society. Having a large age difference would likely translate to a large difference in power too. And I'm a firm believer that in a relationship both parties should be equal.

[Steve712]

Not just power, but maturity. For someone in their 20s to date a kid almost decade younger than them is at best a colossal waste of time and at worst a disaster waiting to happen.

[BleedToLoveHer]

My girlfriend was 18 last year and dated someone who was 46. I dated someone who was 31, when I was 19. At least she was of age in Canada, but honestly I can't wrap my mind around this or how it even worked for them. (It obviously didn't, but still for like 6 months.) Morally I just find it a little off. I could never date someone old enough to be my mother, especially at 18.

[Tim]

Within reason, yes. (To be honest, anything 18+ I consider within reason for anyone 18+, I only say outside of reason when the person is under 18.)

Outside of reason? My response to those people would be jail is just a room. I don't agree with people over 18 with people under 18. (Except like, 18/19 year olds with 16/17 year olds provided they don't break the law if their state/country has an age of consent of 18+)

[Steve712]

I'm not too concerned about people breaking ridiculously rigid age of consent laws (in Canada the law is much more well-considered), or doing something immoral (which dating outside of your age group is not necessarily). I'm just concerned that it's a stupid decision, frankly, that will only harm both parties.

[musikk021]

I have two friends who have been in relationships where the age difference caused them ridicule from other people. One of my friends was a high school sophomore dating a college freshman and the other friend was a high school senior dating a high school freshman. It doesn't seem like a big age difference, but people in high school can be cruel and critical about things like this. Especially for my friend who was a senior dating a freshman, the age difference was the butt of many people's jokes. But she was prom queen and one of the most popular girls in our school and very well liked, so people weren't as harsh on her freshman boyfriend as they would have been had it been a different couple. Personally, I don't care about the age difference.

When a person is in their twenties or under twenty and dates someone significantly older, then yeah, I find it strange. But hey, love is love. Who am I to judge?

[dreamcatcher]

Originally Posted by BudderMC

I disagree with it, to some extent. Of course, everything around this topic is followed with the clause "within reason".

Younger people (non-adults) should not be dating adults, and that I'm pretty adamant about. Given the number of "relationships" kids (relatively) go through while growing up, it's pretty clear that the vast majority of them are not able to be in a serious relationship. Couple that with the fact that an adult presumably has had more experience, it's a very one-sided relationship in terms of power.

Young adults could probably date older, but I think that's more borderline, for similar reasons as above. Again, the age range would be "within reason". There's also the issue of people being in different stages of their lives, which I'll leave to someone else to explain better (I seem to butcher it :/).

I'd say it's understandable if both parties know what they're getting into; it's not my place to tell people they can't do what they want. But I don't think it's necessarily advisable. Age, while technically just a number, has a lot of things associated with it... and a lot of those things are also associated with power within our society. Having a large age difference would likely translate to a large difference in power too. And I'm a firm believer that in a relationship both parties should be equal.

^I completely agree with everything that has been said here. The difference in power as well as maturity is something that I would find very problematic. I definitely would not want to date someone more than 5 or 6 years older than me.

[thedreamwatch]

Originally Posted by dreamcatcher

^I completely agree with everything that has been said here. The difference in power as well as maturity is something that I would find very problematic. I definitely would not want to date someone more than 5 or 6 years older than me.

Basically this.

Age might just be a number, but maturity and power balance and life stages are important.

[Cogged Wings]

Just to point out something, maturity and power aren't always greater in the person who is older.

[Caoimhe Fayre]

I'm 24yrs old and I'm completely head over heals for a woman who is in her 40s, so... in theory I agree that too much of an age difference is weird, but really... I would trade all four limbs to be able to date a woman who is approximately 20 years older than me, and when I look at her, I don't see an age - I see an incredibly beautiful, talented, and kind woman who has a great sense of humor.

of course, then she had to go and pretty much all but confirm that she's 100% as straight as straight gets, so...

[BudderMC]

Originally Posted by Cogged Wings

Just to point out something, maturity and power aren't always greater in the person who is older.

Fair, but then I'll propose this: If you have a rather average 23 year old, fresh out of school, who wants to date a 40 year old who's on an equal level with them... wouldn't it set off a red flag asking you what's wrong with this 40 year old, in the sense that they've effectively not gotten far with their life in the last 15-20 years? And if the younger person is even more well adjusted than the older person... well, I don't think that's any better.

[LookingGlass]

As others have mentioned, I believe that it really comes down to a power and maturity thing. From my own experience, I tend to not want to date guys that are significantly older than myself. However, I don't want to date anyone significantly younger either.

I am a generally independent person and detest the idea of living under someone's shadow. I dislike feeling overpowered. At the same time, I don't want to date someone younger who hasn't reached an acceptable maturity level and is dependent on others to live. I don't want to overpower anyone else either. Dating someone close to my age is just a better idea because we can be on equal footing, and I believe that relationships work better when both parties have equal say.

I've never been in a relationship, but I have seen others fail because of this or worse, seen the younger one totally trapped under the older's shadow because he/she makes all the money. The younger one can't fend for his/herself and has no choice but to stay with the older. That leads to cheating, lying, using etc.

I hope this isn't a shallow way of thinking, but I don't want to date anyone that doesn't have a job and car of their own either.

[Chip]

Originally Posted by Cogged Wings

Just to point out something, maturity and power aren't always greater in the person who is older.

It sort of sounds like, between the various posts, you're claiming to ask a theoretical question, but are in reality looking for justification for something. If so, why not take it out of the theoretical and put it in the actual.

While it is possible for power imbalance and maturity to be inverse to ages, it's rare. From my admittedly non-scientific sampling, I've seen that, particularly when the younger member is 25 or under, age differences of more than a few years are almost overwhelmingly unhealthy.

If you're talking about, say, a 19 year old and a 14 year old, or even a 17 year old and a 14 year old then... no, there's pretty much no way that can be emotionally healthy. Three years for a 14 year old is over 20% of his or her entire lifetime. That's an awful lot of life experience at a crucial age.

There are a lot of complications, and the younger person almost always ends up losing out on opportunities to develop healthy social patterns, because it becomes almost impossible to avoid a codependent pattern with the older person.

Not a good idea.

[Kidd]

I don't really think it's an issue when both people are past a certain age (look at Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart), but when you're in your teens, a vast majority of people, even very intelligent ones, are so naive. It almost never works out.

Life experience and personality is more important than age, so I'm going to second everyone here that has said that. I set up my best friend and my mentor and there's a 10 year age difference between them, and they're so cute together. She just turned 21, he just turned 31. They're both workaholics and really, really, stubborn. He likes it when things are extreme and push the boundaries, and her nickname is "The Limit." They're both really athletic and attractive, and neither of them takes anything seriously, so they're perfect for each other. They've been together for the last seven, almost eight months now.

The biggest problem with May/December relationships is, as Chip said, codependency, but that's a possibility and a risk with every relationship, not just romantic ones. I don't think I could date someone who was more than 10 years older than me, but I won't say I would never, because who knows what could happen.

[Cogged Wings]

I'm now aware how it might sound, but it was definitely meant as strictly a theoretical. Maybe it's my subconscious trying to say something hahah. I'm just tryin' to keep the conversation/debate(?) going.