How do I get my dad to stop using the word "gay"?

[Phantosmiac]

If he had already known that I was gay, I wouldn't have any problem with this, and he only started saying it as a derogatory term lately. I do have a date set out for my coming out to parents (August 19th my birthday) but it bothers me that he keeps saying that. If he hadn't I might have come out earlier. Any advice for discreetly getting him to stop saying it?

[blightedsight]

Originally Posted by Phantosmiac

If he had already known that I was gay, I wouldn't have any problem with this, and he only started saying it as a derogatory term lately. I do have a date set out for my coming out to parents (August 19th my birthday) but it bothers me that he keeps saying that. If he hadn't I might have come out earlier. Any advice for discreetly getting him to stop saying it?

You have two options, quite honestly.
1) You have an open and honest discussion with your father about how the use of that word in the context he is using it upsets you, and hope that both of you are mature enough to deal with that conversation(though this will probably require you to include your personal reasons why you find it offensive.
2) You do nothing. It's unlikely your father would stop using the term unless you gave him a really good reason why he shouldn't, and if you're not ready to give him that reason, you'll just have to sit back and take it...so to speak.

For what it's worth, my family has a tendancy to use racially charged terminology and homophobic and, well, option 1) is never an option with them, so I tend to stick with 2).

[Mimerio]

I agree with the above, my dad only stopped using homophobic language when I came out to him and thoroughly explained that it was not funny, even when I knew he was joking. He hasn't used much if any at all since.

[Phantosmiac]

Thanks for the replies guys ! I will certainly take that into consideration

[Chip]

If you're coming out in a little over 2 weeks... I'd just save the conversation until then. And, honestly, I suspect once you do come out, the comments will stop. It's very possible that your dad already has some indication, and making those remarks are an unconscious way of desperately trying to make it not be so. This isn't an uncommon behavior in parents who suspect, and it unfortunately has the effect of making the kids think the parents are horribly homophobic and unaccepting, which is usually not the case.

One other thought I'll throw out: People generally recommend against coming out on an otherwise special day, like a birthday or holiday. If you have a specific reason, then, of course, that's different. But the idea is, people have certain expectations about what happens on holidays and birthdays, and it can be that much more jarring to them. (Not to mention, it can be disruptive to the events of the day, depending on when you do it.) If it's an easy option to do so, I'd suggest maybe waiting until the day after.

[Pain]

Originally Posted by Phantosmiac

I do have a date set out for my coming out to parents (August 19th my birthday)...

I don't know if this is a good point, but when I came out to my parents, I set a date and all as well, but I wanted to tell them before my birthday, about 2 weeks before, so they would have some time to adjust to me and it would be pretty heartless if they did anything phobic about me coming out. But like Chip says, the day after could work out well too.

Tell your father to grow up and stop using the word out of context to seem 'cool' or relevant. But if he is in the habit of making statements like "The mechanic jewed me out of $58 dollars" and "why do niggers play their awful nigger music so loud?" you might be in for a fight.

[MusicIsLife]

A few years ago my aunt was doing the same thing, but after I was out as just "a lesbian". I am drowning in my closet rn for the trans issue but that's another story. Anyway, she out of nowhere started to use "That's so gay" ALL the time. a few people I know used to do it too, but whenever someone says, "That's so gay" I snark back "That's so middle aged woman who thinks inanimate objects have a sexual orientation" or something else to describe the person i'm talking to. More than once I've said, "That's SO _insert ethnicity/nationality here_" and they figure it out and stop. If it doesn't work I just give them hell.

You should just wait and tell him, if you plan on telling him soon, then it'd be best to just wait and then tell him so he'll understand why you don't like him using it as a derogatory phrase.

[bob94]

Originally Posted by MusicIsLife

A few years ago my aunt was doing the same thing, but after I was out as just "a lesbian". I am drowning in my closet rn for the trans issue but that's another story. Anyway, she out of nowhere started to use "That's so gay" ALL the time. a few people I know used to do it too, but whenever someone says, "That's so gay" I snark back "That's so middle aged woman who thinks inanimate objects have a sexual orientation" or something else to describe the person i'm talking to.

^^I love it!^^

Anyway, you could just talk to him and tell him that when he says "that's so gay", he sounds really immature. To me, it always sounds weird when I hear an adult call something gay, because it just sounds like something an immature twelve-year-old would say.

[SkyDiver]

Originally Posted by MusicIsLife

A few years ago my aunt was doing the same thing, but after I was out as just "a lesbian". I am drowning in my closet rn for the trans issue but that's another story. Anyway, she out of nowhere started to use "That's so gay" ALL the time. a few people I know used to do it too, but whenever someone says, "That's so gay" I snark back "That's so middle aged woman who thinks inanimate objects have a sexual orientation" or something else to describe the person i'm talking to. More than once I've said, "That's SO _insert ethnicity/nationality here_" and they figure it out and stop. If it doesn't work I just give them hell.

+ YouTube Video

[Doctor Faustus]

Question in response to a question: How does one does one's cousin to stop calling people 'faggot'? 'Faggot' in this sense meaning 'idiot', as a random adjective to suggest disparagement.

[messiaen]

You could try ad bring up the fact that you think people in general should not be making these comments.

This might also start your Dad thinking about your sexuality if he hasn't already and could make coming out a little eaiser in two weeks time.

Hope it ends well, good luck!

M

[knawb]

Just being nosy, why do you want to tell him on your birthday??

Good luck though