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Need some opinions here....help me out guys

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by GreenRaven, Aug 16, 2012.

  1. GreenRaven

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    So as some of you know, my girlfriend is moving on Monday to Arizona to go back to school, and when she leaves we will be breaking up. Not merely because of the distance, but because I have a lot of personal shit to work out...and she wants me to be able to focus on me. She doesn't want to break up by any means, but I have a serious problem with lying...and because of that there isn't much trust between us. She wants to be able to trust me, but I have to be able to prove that I can change, that I can gain control over my life, my lying.

    She has been the most wonderful, amazing girlfriend I have ever had, and it destroys me to think that on Monday, I will be driving her to the airport, and saying goodbye to the one person that I can't stand to even think about being apart from. She has done nothing but support me, and help me grow and mature as a person. I've learned a lot about the real world from her (my parent's always gave us pretty much anything we wanted, so I didn't know much about anything) and I know that I am a better person because of her. Because of my lying though, I have been pretty much nothing but horrible to her...and still, every time we fought, she has stayed by my side. I never thought love could be so pure and unending, but hers is. It brought her to tears to even say that she wanted to give me time to take to myself and sort my lying out. Even though we both know it is for the best. That is how much I know she loves me. I could go on forever about her, and all the things she has done for me that have made me a better person, but I'll spare you :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Pretty much I want to give her something before she leaves to remember me by...something to know that no matter how far she is, my heart is right there with her. So I wrote a song, using words that I told her a few days ago as part of the chorus. She had asked if, if she ever changed her mind and decided that breaking up was the wrong thing to do, what would I do/say. My response to her was this: "I will always be here, waiting, with open arms and a heart full of love." and I know in my heart this is true. She is the only girl I want, no other will do. She is the only one that is my balance in life, my voice of reason, my sanity. So, I want this song to be perfect. I can't record it because 1) my guitar is in storage 2)my mic headset is lost in storage 3)the storage facility is already closed/locked up for the night, and I head up to the campgrounds early tomorrow morning to be with her and her family for the weekend, though if I could record it and burn it tonight I would. I will have to settle for just lyrics. Which is why it's even more important to me that they be perfect.

    That is where you guys come in. I want your opinions on what I wrote. Please be honest. I can take critique, so don't just take the easy road and say "oh that was really good." What parts did you like? What parts did you not like (if any)? Is there any place where you would switch up wording a little? Etc. Thank you in advance, for helping me. I really do appreciate it. You guys are all awesome. So here it is, my song.

    ~Never Fade Away~

    When the sun sets
    And the moon begins to rise
    On this new day
    Where will this path lead us?
    No one knows

    You asked me once
    If you ever changed your mind
    If you felt that deep inside
    You had made the wrong choice
    What would I do?

    And I told you this

    I will stand here waiting
    For the rest of my life
    Holding my arms open
    Waiting to hold you tight
    I will stand here waiting
    Watching the horizon
    With a heart full of love
    That will never fade away

    Baby please don’t cry
    I’m not worth the tears
    I don’t even know
    How you can love someone like this
    Yet you do

    You have stood by my side
    Day after day
    Being my strength and my faith
    Never letting me fall
    Now let me be yours

    Because I will always say

    I will stand here waiting
    For the rest of my life
    Holding my arms open
    Waiting to hold you tight
    I will stand here waiting
    Watching the horizon
    With a heart full of love
    That will never fade away

    Through all the lies
    Through all the tears
    You have never walked away
    Never left me here
    I promise I will work hard
    So I can be that person
    The one that you need
    That can bear your burdens

    So if you ever lie awake
    Staring at the ceiling
    Please think of me
    And know you are not alone
    And always remember

    That I will always say

    I will stand here waiting
    For the rest of my life
    Holding my arms open
    Waiting to hold you tight
    I will stand here waiting
    Watching the horizon
    With a heart full of love
    That will never fade away

    I will stand here waiting
    For the rest of my life
    Holding my arms open
    Waiting to hold you tight
    I will stand here waiting
    Watching the horizon
    With a heart full of love
    That will never fade away
    Never fade away
     
  2. I thought it was sweet but, maybe change the first two lines to...
    "The moon rolls down,
    and the sun begins to rise."
    Since you talk about the start of a new day.
    Just my opinion. :slight_smile:
     
  3. GreenRaven

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    thanks! that's a valid point :slight_smile:
     
  4. AshenAngel

    AshenAngel Guest

    Just be careful of your syllables-per-line ratio. It'll flow better if they alternate more smoothly. Try going through it stanza by stanza and figure out how you want it to sound:slight_smile: I love the concept and the imagery though!! Great song... You don't hardly need any critiquing.:grin:
     
  5. GreenRaven

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    Thanks! I'll definitely take some time and look through it. I was just trying to get everything I feel down on paper (well...computer screen)
     
  6. GreenRaven

    Full Member

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    OK! Changed it up some, how's this?

    ~

    The dark fades away
    As the sun begins to rise
    On this new day
    Where will this path lead us?
    (No one yet knows)

    You asked me once
    If you ever changed your mind
    If you felt that deep inside
    You had made the wrong choice
    (What would I do?)

    And I told you this

    I will stand here waiting
    For the rest of my life
    Holding my arms open
    Waiting to hold you tight
    I will stand here waiting
    Watching the horizon
    With a heart full of love
    That will never fade away

    Baby please don’t cry
    I’m not worth the tears
    I don’t even know how
    You can love someone like this
    (Yet somehow you do)

    You have stood by my side
    Day after day
    Being my strength and my faith
    Not letting me fall
    (Now let me be yours)

    Because I will always say

    I will stand here waiting
    For the rest of my life
    Holding my arms open
    Waiting to hold you tight
    I will stand here waiting
    Watching the horizon
    With a heart full of love
    That will never fade away

    Through all the lies
    Through all the tears
    You have never walked away
    Never left me here
    I promise I will work hard
    So I can be that person
    The one that you need
    That can bear your burdens

    So if you ever lie awake
    Staring at the ceiling
    Please think of me
    And know you are not alone
    (And always remember)

    I will always say

    I will stand here waiting
    For the rest of my life
    Holding my arms open
    Waiting to hold you tight
    I will stand here waiting
    Watching the horizon
    With a heart full of love
    That will never fade away

    I will stand here waiting
    For the rest of my life
    Holding my arms open
    Waiting to hold you tight
    I will stand here waiting
    Watching the horizon
    With a heart full of love
    That will never fade away
    Never fade away
     
  7. Loved the editing on the beginning. :wink:
     
  8. AshenAngel

    AshenAngel Guest

    Agreed^^ it was a good song before, but now it's damn near perfect.I'm thoroughly impressed!:slight_smile:
     
  9. GreenRaven

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    thanks! yeah it def seems to flow a little better after tweaking a couple things
     
  10. GreenRaven

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    anyone else? opinions? thoughts? i'm actually gonna take this home to MD with me and record it and then send it to her.