So say you've come out to a guy or a girl who you think is gay. This isn't really me talking about a specific case but more something for reference! What are some reasons as to why they would hold back on coming out to you? Some that pop into my mind: They're just not ready Haven't realised they're gay Have realised, but are in denial They're not gay Any more? And does anyone have any experiences with people who haven't come out to you soon after you've come out to them, but have done much later?
The only thing I can think of is that they would'nt trust you to keep the information to yourself. But that sort of ties in with "They're just not ready."
They don't think their sexuality is relevant to the discussion They're skeptical/think you're kidding They don't trust you or feel like you're close enough They feel like it should be your moment and don't want to make it about them They might not be comfortable in that location They've planned their coming out before and they don't want it to go like that/desire more control etc. I'm sure there are a multitude of reasons, but honestly, it's best to just not assume a person is gay unless they tell you otherwise.
I've not exactly done that exact same thing, but I came out to my one female friend whom I've been crushing on for a while, then a little later she told me she was bisexual, and I think she likes me (she's hinting a lot at it) but won't ever be in any relationship with me because she's really sensitive about her orientation for some reason.. oh well, I guess some people just aren't as open as others
FWIW Two of my good friends came out to me over the last few years, and I really wasn't ready or out to anyone at the time. I did feel some sort of obligation to put them at the top of the list of people to tell once I decided to start coming out a few months ago. One more reason I can think of, is what if the other person is not out to many people, have a crush on you and aren't sure how to deal with that fact.
Well, I don't have much experience to draw from, but I did have one sort of hurtful experience where the first guy I came out to--who was also bisexual--didn't come out to me after I came out to him because he was afraid that I would ask to date him, and he wasn't into me. So because of that, he let me take the plunge even though he knew I was terrified, and had he just come out to me, I would have felt so much safer in that moment.
That's horrible! The thing is — there are many ways around a problem like this and that guy obviously just wasn't clever enough to come up with one. Like he could have come out to you as bisexual and then jokingly said "don't worry, I'm not into you" or something. I mean come on. I get what you're saying in the first paragraph, but I don't know what you mean by the second bit... Well it's good to know that if someone doesn't come out to you straight away after you telling them that it doesn't have to mean they're not gay. I've always wondered this! Yeah, these are all good reasons. But come on, it's very difficult to "just" not assume a person is gay. Attraction doesn't work like that, unfortunately.
One of my close freinds came out to me several years ago, not because he was interested, but because we were freinds and he wanted me to know. I held off on reciprocating. I guess at the time I was still kind of nervous and surprised, caught a little off guard. At the time I told myself it was a big moment for him and I didn't want to steal his thunder. In actuality I'm sure that it would have made it easier for him. That's my thought. If I had it to do over I would have definitely come out right away.
That wasn't very clear, sorry. Let's say guy A comes out to guy B. Let's say guy B is questioning himself or is pretty sure he's bi or gay, and has a crush on guy A but does not feel ready to be in any relationship or do anything with a guy, any guy yet. If he doesn't reveal he's gay as well, then it's a safe way for him to close the door or at least postpone any discussions of attraction between the two... (don't start what you can't finish type of scenario).
Wow, I like this possibility a lot. I would love if that was true about a guy I told a few months ago!
This is actually exactly what I did with my best friend(now girlfriend of nine months). She came out to me right after we graduated high school. I didn't come out to her until the end of my first semester of college. I was afraid to tell her when she told me because I was already in love with her, but I wasn't ready to date a girl. I was still coming to terms with myself and my sexuality. She deserved a girl who could give her all of herself without holding back and I wasn't sure that I even wanted to date girls. Eventually I did take the plunge though and told her I was bisexual. We didn't start dating until a little over a month after that though.
That's a great story. To be quite honest, I've a crush on a friend of mine and I strongly suspect he's gay. I came out to him in June, and he's extremely supportive. Can I ask how you discussed LGBT topics with your friend? How supportive were you, etc.? Did you let on in any way? The reason I'm asking is the guy I know seems to be more versed in LGBT topics than I am! Yet he hasn't come out.
It sounds like you are in quite the sticky situation. I don't mind sharing at all. I have always been really supportive of LGBTQ topics. I definitely said things that would have led her to question my "straightness". Though when I made those comments it was rarely in the context of an LGBTQ conversation because those are more issues of human rights rather than sexual preferences. I never pretended to be anything but completely accepting of gay rights.
