Are some people just destined to be alone?

Yeah, you're right. Some people are going to wind up forever alone. My aunt is the perfect example of this. She has never been in a relationship and the chances are even slimmer now that she's in her mid-sixties.

I think that I probably am one of those people that will be alone. Or at least, that's what I've felt for the past year or so. I have too much baggage that I've been trying to deal with that's getting in the way of me finding a relationship. But you know what? It's gonna be fine. I've already decided I'll most likely get a dog and just be a chill guy for the rest of my life. Beats moping about it day in/day out.

 

I don't think anyone is "destined" to be alone just like nobody is "destined" to be with someone else. I think it's all about your personal goals/desires and your mentality surrounding that. Yeah, we live in a society where the vast majority of people want a relationship, but I'm sure there's someone who (in a healthy way) just doesn't want that.

What I more often hear when people feel like they're doomed to be alone is a really self-defeatist attitude. This is the idea of a self-fulfilling prophecy. I know I've posted about it before, but it never hurts to hear it again, so read up on it here. I could explain every single possible reason why that works, but the bottom line is if you believe you're going to end up alone, you probably will, and there is quite a bit of credible research (anecdotal or otherwise) that supports this phenomenon.

In case there's confusion, I'm not saying that by the idea of the self-fulfilling prophecy if you have a positive, optimistic attitude towards a future relationship you're automatically and easily going to find one. What I am saying is that wholeheartedly employing that attitude isn't going to hurt you any, and will more likely than not improve your chances of finding a relationship.

Yes, LGBT people almost undoubtedly have a harder time finding a good, lasting relationship than everyone else. But I don't think that condemning yourself to a lifetime of solitude is true, but rather a really easy out for yourself in order to avoid potential disappointment.

Note that this is all coming from a guy who has never been in a relationship and has many days where he believes he won't be in one anytime soon... just in case that makes my viewpoint more credible seeing as I'm actually in your shoes (to some extent).

Just some food for thought.

 

I completely agree with BudderMC. Personally, I feel like I'll probably end up alone...though a part of me desperately wants to believe otherwise. There's a girl who I've been in love with all my life, and to cut a really long story short, I'll just say she shattered the shit out of my heart. I've fallen into a deep depression many years ago because of her, and I've developed plenty of other issues that stemmed from that one cause. Granted, she's straight, so I know I set myself up for disappointment. Still, I can't help that I love her more than anything and that the loss of our really close relationship hit me hard. I'm still friends with her now after we had a cold period a few years ago, but everything we had built together is lost.

The point of me bringing that up is that ever since I "lost" her, I've become depressed, socially anxious, isolated, reclusive, and just...alone. I was hurt so badly that I have become completely mistrustful of all people. I'm shy to begin with, and being in the closet just worsens my almost non-existent self-esteem. And after I gave her my all and gave her my 200% and seeing that it still wasn't enough to keep her with me, I just felt totally worthless. Instead of getting attached to people and caring about them now, I avoid all contact from the start. I don't want to get close to someone to have them hurt me again. I made some friends at the beginning of college who I pushed away once I started to get attached. I was scared that they'd leave me, so I left them first. Now I'm in my 3rd year of college and am completely alone, and I mean completely. I just go to class and go back to my room to do homework. In class, I don't talk to anyone unless required by the teacher for group work or whatever. When I'm done with homework in my room, I watch TV on Netflix. I eat all my meals alone in my room at my desk. Pathetic, huh?

But this all ties into what BudderMC said about self-fulfilled prophecies. I keep telling myself I'll be alone and that I'll have no friends, so that's really become true. But that's only because I never make an effort to go and make friends. How can I expect to find a friend, let alone a relationship, if I'm hiding in my room? But I'm kind of torn in that I don't want friends but at the same time, I do. I don't want to get hurt again, and most of the time, people are just too much to deal with. It's easier being by myself; I can do whatever I want whenever I want and go wherever I want. On the other hand, being alone ALL the time sucks, too. But I'm shy and have social anxiety, so making friends is like impossible for me.

So in the end, I hope I don't end up alone...but who's to say? I've done a pretty damn good job so far of fulfilling my own prophecy that I'll be alone. I know I'm the one holding myself back. But still, maybe I'm just not good enough for anyone...not good-looking enough. I think MOST people do find someone or probably even more than a few someones to be with in their lifetime. The ones who don't are probably isolating themselves like me or have some serious issues that no one can look past.

I've seen so many instances where prisoners find girlfriends/wives WHILE incarcerated. It's like the prisoner has a friend who knows this girl. The friend tells the girl to go visit the prisoner (as in he's setting them up), and they start "talking," usually by letter correspondences. Then they "fall in love" and get into a relationship. Sometimes, they are even allowed to get married while the guy's in jail. Imagine that! If a woman can fall in love with a prisoner while he's incarcerated for things like murder (and she never met him before he got jailed), then it really shouldn't be that difficult for normal folks like us to be desirable, right?! I think it's possible for us to find someone if we really want to and don't hold ourselves back from it.

 

One wonders why you posed the topic as a question if we're only allowed to respond one way. :dry:

That said, I agree with Budder and Chip about self-fulfilling prophecies.

 

I completely believe that no one is "meant" to be alone. The world is so vast and there are so many different people that there has to be at least one other that you are compatible with.

I think if YOU believe you are meant to be alone, then you are. And that's fine IF that is what you genuinely want. In other words, it's all up to you. If you believe you are meant to be alone, then you will be. But if you believe you are meant to find someone, then you will. It all comes down to what you want and what you choose to strive for. If we leave everything to God (or Fate, or Chance or Karma or whatever you choose to call it) and we don't meet that Force halfway and strive for what we want, then we will be resigned to something less.

I don't know if that makes sense, but in a nut shell, it's up to you. So the short answer is yes, some people are "meant" to be alone, but only because they chose that path, for better or for worse.

 

I don't think people are "meant" to be alone. I don't think there's a higher power conspiring against a person's happiness. Of course some people are happy and single, and I think that's great: I wouldn't say they were "destined" to be alone, though.

I think it can be harder for some people to be in relationships if they aren't able to recognize destructive habits. For example, it's very hard to love someone else (or to let them love you) if you don't first love yourself.

I used to inadvertently put myself down all the time, and then I had a total paradigm shift at a counseling center. If I hadn't gone to a counselor, I don't think I would have gotten the message so clearly.

 

No, not 'normal' people any ways.

I dont believe in destiny.. but there are those that are born to be alone I guess you can say or a better statement more prone to being alone.

..Like people who suffer from Schizoid Personality disorder.

Yeah I definitely think gay people have an overall tougher time in finding significant others. There are less of us than heterosexuals and theres a stigma of inferiority attached to us by many. According to a gay issues psychologist many gay men, more likely than gay women, will go through a promiscuous phase within their lives to deal with their issues of 'coming out', to help them feel further accepted and loved. Which could then make it harder to find another person to settle down with as people are jumping around from lover to lover! But to me id say this would happen with just as many straight people who have low self confidence.

anyways...

I know how you feel. It sucks!

 

that's the same story with my aunt. to make it worse, she has no kids so she's alone by herself.

but me personally, sometimes i wonder if this is my fate. the problem with me is that i tend to shy away from people or run away from them right after i befriend them. i've had opportunities to date but i just didn't have the guts to do it. with women, i obviously had no interest in doing it but i couldn't tell them because i was scared they would figure out i was gay. with guys on the other hand, i was way too scared to even go there with them. they would let me know that they were interested and i just couldn't get myself to take it there with them. :dry: some of them i wasn't interested in dating but some of them i was. i just hope that as much hiding and running away that i've done that it doesn't come back to haunt me where no one wants to date me.

 

If you understand that you are holding a defeatist attitude and it is well within your realm to change that, I don't understand why you continue to condemn yourself to a life of loneliness. I don't even buy that you're content with being alone, because in nearly everything you're saying there's an underlying tone of "this is not what I want".

If you're stuck in your comfort zone, you need to push yourself past that. We can be here to support and encourage you, but we can't make you do anything (if nothing else beyond the fact that we're not there with you in person). And I think that's really difficult both for us and for you, because I think collectively we'd all like to see you end up happy, but we're powerless to do anything about it. You need to take that step for yourself.

When was the last time you wholeheartedly TRIED to break that attitude?

EDIT: Just to make it clear, I'm not trying to be mean if it comes off that way. I'm trying to challenge your mindset because that's about all I can do over a computer screen halfway across the world in order to push you.

 

Well, obviously it would make things easier if people would just tell you you're objectively right and that you can be comfortable doing what you were going to do anyways.

That just doesn't happen to be how a support site works, though. Sometimes the opinion you need most or the one that could benefit most is not the one you want. Otherwise, you could just have a word file on your computer with "you're absolutely right" and go stare at that every time you had a question.

(in fact, some of the times I had the most use were when people told me to do something totally different than what I wanted to do. That's how I ended coming out to my mom, and being dragged by friends to a gay club, while I would originally have rather stayed in my closet or let my friends go by themselves. Both are cases where I'm glad I went out of my comfort zone, and I'm thankful for the people telling me I was totally wrong)


To answer your question: I don't believe you can ever be sure of your destiny. All you can be sure of is that if you do nothing, nothing will happen.
Also, I don't believe there's merely someone out there for everyone. There's many people out that you're more or less compatible with.
If you don't want to be alone, then keep meeting new people and you might run into one.
And even if it might not work out on the first try, discovering where that goes is a lot more interesting than sitting in your room.

By the way: getting out of your comfort zone isn't an all or nothing thing. No one's insisting you become a social butterfly and hit the bars every night. You can find me in my room most nights of the week too, being comfortable and relaxed. It's only every other weekend or so that I say: "I'm not entirely comfortable with this, but going out sounds like the thing I need to do". I'm always feeling horrible when I go and imagine I could stay at home. Yet, I'm always happy by the time I get home. Because getting out of my shell felt like an achievement and I inevitably ended up having an interesting evening.

 

This is a very common question everyone eventually asks themselves.

Here's another thing to consider. I managed to get someone someone interested in me; someone I liked a lot too. Distance is a current complication, and we're hardly "official", but this was such a spectacular development because I liked him for like, years.

So if I can pull it off, and pull it off with someone I'm genuinely interested in, any bloody fool can. Believe me when I say this, I went years without anyone being interested in me like this.

 

Don't leave! :icon_sad:

I kinda feel the same way as you, that I will just be alone forever. I don't want to be alone, I don't consider it destiny, and I hope to do everything I can to prevent that... but it still feels like I'm kinda hopelessly trapped in this vacuum of loneliness...