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Supressing Ourselfs Because Of Stereotypes

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Gen, Sep 20, 2012.

  1. Gen

    Gen
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    Background. I will admit that I am a fairly feminine male by definition. Meaning I am not the stereotypical throw it in your face type of person, but more of the someone who differs from their masculine peers. I dont have a lisp or model walk, but I am noticeably non-masculine.


    Although, I am completely content with my personality, characteristics, and mannerisms, I sometimes have a small cautious feeling in the back of my mind, because I dont want to be precieved as the stereotype. I believe that was the reason I didnt want to accept my feminine side as a child. I didnt struggle with that for a long time, however, being a logical person I know that my feminine side will be automaticly associated with my orientation by the vast majority, which I'm not extremely upset about because I couldnt care less. Though, it is still an irritating realization.

    When connecting this to the pressure put on hetereosexual men to be completely masculine, and how many of them feel obligated to do things they dont enjoy or act a certain way because it is expected of them. I began to wonder what effect these stereotypes have actually had on the LGBT community. Its makes me wonder how many of us would be a little more confortable expressing femininity as men or masculinity as women, hadnt these stereotypes be forced upon us.

    So I was just wondering, what are any of you guy's thoughts?
     
  2. Zontar

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    They're hot. I feel hot presented that way. That's all you gotta know. The crushing force of misogyny compels almost every man to be a complete caricature of masculinity, it's not even funny.
     
  3. AshenAngel

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    I'm fine with stereotypes, just not when they're used almost exclusively in a way that invokes a negative feeling. Ex: "You have short hair! That means you're a lesbian right!? OMG Thats so gay!" etc...:bang:
     
  4. Alexander69

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    I know what you mean I don't want to be the stereotype either I try to be masculine even though I know I'm gay I don't want every person to know like that, and when I start to do something feminine I stop immediately, and I shouldn't have to do that, me I do have a higher voice then most "hetero" men. People called me names for having a higher pitched voice, I was popular in high school I did everything possible to not come off as gay, I was mean I smoked was friends with tough people and I guess I did that so people would be scared of me and wouldn't make fun of me or ask me if I was gay alllll the time, so i felt the stereotypes all the time, even if people didn't say things to my face I know people talked about me :/ but I'm glad to be out of high school I'm a nice good person now and I love who I am, I haven't come out yet but I'm getting there and I'm happier with who I am!
     
  5. TheEdend

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    Fuck trying to forcefully avoid fitting the stereotype. Its a waste of everyone's time.

    The whole point of coming out is supposed to be that you are now in charge of your life and what you do with it, but then you have all these people saying "be gay....but not THAT type of gay". How about I do me and you do you? That sounds like a plan.

    People should just try to be themselves and be happy with that. Whatever that is :slight_smile:
     
  6. IanGallagher

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    Never came off as feminine and never worried about it either. If anything 'feminine' I hold off it would be that I feel like crying a lot of the time for no reason - kind of like Charlie in 'Perks of Being a Wallflower.' But that similarly comes more from psychological trauma than out-right behavior. Other than that, nothing besides being a typical Hollywood film guy lol.
     
  7. BNQ2012

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    I understand what you mean by sometimes feeling like you need to edit yourself to avoid fitting into stereotypes. I don't feel it so much with regard to my sexual orientation yet but I have felt it all my life with regard to race. It is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it is annoying to have people make a lot of random assumptions about you, especially when those assumptions could be perceived as negative. On the other hand, if you're suppressing something that is very much a part of you so as not to play into stereotypes, that gets old too.

    The middle ground I have found is to concentrate on just being me but to actively challenge the unfounded assumptions people make when they are known to me. I ask questions that tend to make people think about the things they assume. I think all of us generalize to some extent. I certainly do. Still, I think we owe it to ourselves and others to insist that on being critical in our thought processes and avoid turning our brains off to the variety of gender and other expression that people of all sexual orientations are capable of displaying.
     
  8. Sartoris

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    Have been used to more-or-less suppressing myself long before I even considered I was gay.
     
  9. Gen

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    Yeah, I know what you mean. I did this numerous times when I was younger. I never tried to come across as more masculine or imposing, but I can relate to the whole stoping femininty in its tracks.

    It can be something that is harder to accept for some, then being gay itself. Most of us do have a unspoken annoyance when we see the extremely feminine, limpy wristed, flashy gay men or the really brute and masculine lesbians, because of the feeling that they are adding to the belief that we are all the same. Though in reality, it can be a bit more disheartening to be on their side of the fence.

    Though I agree with you completely, I Much prefer to be the way I am. I tend to have a very "oh well", personality and really couldnt care less. Though when I talk to people who are afraid of becoming that feminine gay guy, or butch lesbian, it is a bit sad.

    ---------- Post added 20th Sep 2012 at 08:37 PM ----------

    Well, of course Edend. This is the code to live by. It just take some people a long time before they can truly incorporate that belief in their life.

    I, myself, didnt really have a great struggle with my sexuality, stereotypes, anything, just because thats the way I am. However, I know a lot of people who didnt have such a clean journey of acception.
     
    #9 Gen, Sep 20, 2012
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2012
  10. Level75

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    Now that I'm well out of my teenage years, I can really only look back at reflect. At the time, I didn't think I was pandering to stereotypes. I thought I was who I was and nothing I tried to do would ever change that, so I might as well be as I am. I felt pretending to be anything just felt awkward and not something I could sustain for a long period of time.

    If it were only about pretending though, that would be easy. That's a conscious decision. There's everything else. Did family discourage certain behaviors as I was growing up? Did some of my hobby shifts have a big influence in how my taste developed? How much did my friends alter the way I behaved? None of it was conscious, of course. But then, we are all products of our environment at least partially.

    I wouldn't change the way anything is now. But, as I've expressed on these boards before, I often wonder if things could have been different. An example I've used is how I used to actually like show tunes and musicals when I was younger. That's pretty stereotypically gay. Yet I don't seem to now. I still have an appreciation for soundtracks, but the source has changed. So I sometimes have doubts. How do you know that what you are doing right now is honest to who you are and that you are not adjusting the way you act to comform to an ideal? Sometimes feels like you can never really know for sure.
     
  11. Pret Allez

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    I have tried to be hypermasculine while I was questioning, and I think that was a negative thing. Queers, like any other minority, feel the burden of representation. When someone in the dominant group does something really well, they are excellent in their own right. On the other hand, when someone in the oppressed group does something well, they are "blazing trail" or "good for someone gay." When they do something poorly, they are just another example of everything that's wrong with the group. This effect has actually been studied. It's called stereotype threat and has been measured between Causasians and African Americans, and women and men.

    It also affects us. We spend energy internalizing certain performances. I used to hate Will and Grace because I thought it was so stereotypical and made gay and bisexual men seem like people who act so girly that it's a circus. I came to my senses and recognized the internalized homophobia, how it was reinforcing my shame and hurting not only me but those around me. (I was also concominantly critical of other gay and bisexual men who weren't "straight acting.")

    Yes, I did suppress my naturally feminine behaviors because I didn't want to seem like a poof, and I realize that it was wrong. I cannot stress enough how wrong I think it is, and I am stridently critical whenever I see it in queer communities.
     
  12. midwestgirl89

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    Yeah I've found myself avoiding certain things to stay away from the masculine stereotype of being a gay female. I'm starting to care less though.

    Idk if it's because I feel like stereotypes are forced upon me. It's more like I am not comfortable with everyone knowing. And plus I tend to fall between feminine and masculine therefore I don't have to worry about seeming all that stereotypical. But yeah I am afraid of looking too masculine.
     
  13. BradThePug

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    Honestly, I don't really think about the stereotypes. I am who I am. If anybody has a problem with that, then that's their problem and not mine.

    When I was first coming to terms with my sexuality, I tried to hide it by acting feminine. It did not work at all. It just made me feel really stupid. I felt like I was putting myself out on display for the public to mess around with. With time, I came to realize that I am not at all feminine.
     
  14. RueBea85

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    I felt the exact same way at first, I'm beginning to embrace my more masculine features about myself. I've always been a tomboy and enjoyed doing more "masculine" things. I used to hate it when I'd get mistaken for being a boy but now I'm embracing it more and more, and enjoying it :slight_smile:
     
  15. NordicSpirit

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    I was actually the opposite. When I first realised I was gay I felt the need to look more like a stereotypical lesbian, I guess i thought it would make me feel more welcomed into the community. Ive settled down now, I'm just me.
     
  16. Lacuna

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    I tend to find myself trying to make an impression as a successful person in society rather than worry about stereotypes. Partially because I don't fit too many of them and never did care for many stereotypical things, but also because people who judge the gay community based on stereotypes clearly do not know much about it. If somone does make comment about something I do, I say "I'm not gay because I do that particular thing, I'm gay because I like guys."
     
  17. Countervail

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    Don't try to fit the mold. :slight_smile:

    The gay stereotype in our country are effeminate but I don't think I am effeminate if I will be gay. And even to my best friend who knew that I am gay, I do not like to act girly to her. Just the plain me.

    Do not fear of what people what say to you if you do something in particular because that fear will just obscure you who you are and you will end up frustrated.

    I hope that I made sense and helped.
     
  18. Gen

    Gen
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    I'm not sure if you meant me... Though I would just like to say that this topic isnt about me. I'm completely fine with the way I am and act.

    I was mainly talking about my observations with the LGBT community as a whole. For those of us who are similar to what is seen as the stereotype it can be a struggle to truly accept ourself. The negative connotations that stereotypes bring tend to have a greater effect on a group of people then just how other people precieve them. Many people in the LGBT community are still reluctant to be themselves because they dont want to be see as just another feminine gay guy or masculine lesbian, just like all the rest of them. It's not easy to agree with people who say that homosexuals protrayed in the public are too stereotypical, when you consider the fact that you, yourself, are similar to the stereotype.

    So I wanted to hear the experiences, opinions, or oberservations of other EC'ers, because it is nice to talk about it and put it out there. So I love the advice people are giving. Maybe other people in the community can see them and take something from it. But I wasnt meaning to protray as if I myself was looking for advice.
     
  19. Lewis

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    I'll admit, as a child I was very feminine. If my parents didn't know I was going to turn out gay, they're blind. But now, since I've suppressed it for so long and tried to act differently, you couldn't tell at all. I've kind become naturally 'straight-acting', compared to how I was as a kid.
     
  20. Level75

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    I just don't see why all need for people to deny the stereotype. It's a stereotype so people will apply it broadly across the group when they don't know any better and no population is immune to that.

    But for some people to pretty much scream from the mountain tops "I'm not one of those queeny gays!"? Well, I could think of far worse things to be than fashion-obsessed or bad at sports. Like appearing idiotic...

    I just put it in this light. Those anti-gay groups don't care if you're masculine or feminine. You're still a marriage-destroying-spawn-of-Satan to them all the same.