Hello everybody, you may not remember me but I made a post about a month ago telling my story and about my clinical OCD. I have been seeing a therapist and I will begin taking meds soon and my current OCD theme (fear of being gay) had been making some progress, even though I have been Obsessing and compulsing for 10+ hours a day still, I was at least beginning to feel a bit better haha. This was all until last night when I was compulsing. My main physical "compulsion" (not sure if this is OCD anymore) is trying to masturbate to gay fantasies/porn. It never produced any erection to this point, but I thought that may have been denial at work so lately I've been trying to force myself to enjoy what I'm viewing/thinking about. I've been doing this for about a month now and it was still not producing any erections. On the other hand I can still look at females (whether it be solo female, straight porn, or lesbian porn) and maintain an erection and get off easily. But last night I was performing my compulsion as usual and *note this may seem a bit graphic* I was watching a gay porn (I had just tried to watch three other vids and look at pics and got no erection) and I tried to imagine the sensation you get on your head when you get a BJ (I've never had a real life experience with a guy but I love this feeling when I've been with girls in the past haha). Anyway after trying to beat thoughts into my head like "you like this" or "you're going to get off to this" for about 25 to 30 minutes my penis had gotten about 60% erect for about 10 seconds. I tried to keep that pleasure feeling so that I could eventually get off to it but it eventually went back down like it usually does. The fact that it got pretty erect freaked me out somewhat but after I calmed myself I got back to trying to masturbate to gay fantasies, tried forcing myself to enjoy it, thought about the head of the penis sensation, and I've gotten nothing. I hoe early have gone through so much hell with this that I dont even care about whether I'm gay or Bi or straight anymore, Id just rather know the truth so I can move on with my life. I can't understand why it's for the most part pretty much impossible to get any kind of arousal, but this time I had gotten a significant erection. Do you guys (and girls haha) think this could be a weird result of trying to force myself to enjoy or due to OCD or is it because I'm gay? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
I don't hear anything in the above that remotely indicates any likelihood that you're gay. Are you seeing a therapist or psychiatrist for your OCD? This is something that would be best brought up with him/her, as EC is not able to provide the level of professional guidance you would need in this circumstance.
Honestly it sounds like maybe you just thought about a girl giving you a BJ for a min, got hard and it went back down after you started thinking about the guys agian...but Yea, I'd just talk to your doctor about it.
I have to agree with Chip. It doesn't sound like you're gay. I know for me, I thought about sexual fantasies about women and I tried to stop those from happening. I didn't force myself to like those fantasies, I tried to force myself to dislike them. Through trying to deny myself and deny my feelings for the same sex, it made me more confused, until I accepted them.
Thanks Chip, I'm not sure if you remember but I spoke to you before over a PM (if you do I'm sure you're probably tired of me bringing up the same thing) but I just can't accept that this is totally OCD. Now with every OCD theme this has been the case being that there's always the doubting factor involved, but I feel like I may just have a case of internalized homophobia that is stopping me from experiencing full on erections and ejaculations. I can't figure out what I would've gotten an erection during this compulsion and can't get one now or before. I feel like the fact that the erection occurred makes me gay, but maybe before (and now) I'm not trying hard enough to force myself to like the fantasies (or maybe accept that I like the fantasies). ---------- Post added 2nd Nov 2012 at 02:53 PM ---------- I mean I know I have OCD, but I'm not sure if this is a theme of OCD. It feels like the other themes but I'm thinking maybe I'm just gay and OCD at the same time, and my OCD is making it harder for me subconsciously to accept it. Because consciously I can't get an erection 99% of the time when I try and consciously it feels like at this point I don't even care if I am or not, I just want to be able to live my life. But maybe there is a part within me that still wants to deny it causing me to not be able to get an erection most of the time...maybe that part of me was trying to break free last night and I fought it away. Haha sorry for rambling
Im sorry to keep beating a dead horse but please some opinions based on your experiences would be helpful I think. For instance when you began having same sex fantasies, we're erections for the most part normal, did you have to force yourself to be into it? If you're gay, have you once gotten slightly aroused by females. I feel like maybe I was aroused simply by the feeling associated with the act, and not the person itself. I don't want to be in denial though so I'd rather try to come to as rational a decision as possible.
Nobody can answer with certainty on whether or not you believe you're gay or not but you. Though it doesn't sound like you are. No, my sexual reactions were not forced, they just happened, because that's what I'm attracted to. I'm gay and I've never been aroused by a female, but I consider myself pretty much 100% gay. As for whether or not this is OCD or not, well, you're obsessing over it, aren't you? Like Chip said, it's probably something to bring up with a professional; not because we don't want to help you, but we're not qualified to do so.
Well no I've been diagnosed with OCD and am currently undergoing therapy for it. The thing with OCD is it attacks reason centers so that you always doubt whether or not your obsession is real or not. I have not started my exposure response prevention therapy yet or started with my meds. So I'm still in the position where I have to perform my compulsions all the time just to get through the days. I mean I've performed my compulsion probably 5 or 6 times since making this thread and no arousal whatsoever. I'm thinking of the same feelings and trying to force it to be there but nothing. I just don't know why I got a response the one time..
