How should one define subconscious denial?

Hey Anon, are you saying that you think you are gay/bi but you subconsciously deny the fact that you may be? And you are trying to force yourself to accept this whole new emotional change?

 

I'm not sure. I look back now and see stuff that I recognize as gay, but at the time, did I know it too and deny it or was I really oblivious? I remember avoiding/hiding things that I thought seemed associated with gay guys and emphasizing masculine things I liked. Of course I now know masculinity is about gender, not sexuality.

 

Sexuality is about much more than erections. I don't know how OCD relates to sexuality. Are you saying you're obsessed to make yourself believe that you're gay? If so, why? It's much easier to be straight. Have you talked to your doctor about your concern?

 

I don't understand how your OCD could come into effect with your own sexuality. I can only speculate that maybe you are a homo-romantic? You may not find men sexually attractive, but you can find them romantically attractive. Maybe that is why you're trying hard to watch gay porn.

Of course I could be completely wrong, but that's how I see your situation.

 

Subconscious denial is the refusal to accept the truth of something through lying, distorting, or ignoring the truth without realizing that you are doing it. To me, it seems like you are experiencing an OCD issue and not denial. If anything, I would almost say that it seems like you are in denial about being straight. Of course I'm not a trained psychologist and don't know you;I could be wrong.

Maybe it will help you to know some of the thoughts I had when I was in denial.

I use to think and believe that I wasn't attracted to any women because I grew up with only sisters and that made me to sensitive to seeing women as people and not sexual objects like other guys seemed to. After awhile I realized how stupid that sounded and came to believe that I just had to high of a standard of beauty for women to ever find a woman that I was attracted to. The reason I couldn't list what part of a woman I found most attractive, and never checked one out unless I reminded myself that I should, was because I enjoyed looking at their faces to much to want to look at the rest of them.

If I started developing what I now realize was a crush on a guy, I would either believe that they must have some sort of feminine feature that I couldn't pinpoint that was attracting me or just ignored that it was there. I told myself that all guys noticed how attractive other men were and that you just weren't supposed to talk about it.

I would masturbate with a dildo to fantasies about men and believe that I was just thinking about how pleasurable it must feel to a woman to be held by a man; to kiss one; to run your hands along their body; and to have sex with one. I didn't want to be with a man, I just wanted to better understand the pleasure a woman was going to feel if I ever found one I wanted to have sex with. Sometimes I would tell myself that I just wanted to be with a woman that had a fetish for wearing a strap-on. It didn't matter that I never actually pictured a woman in any of my fantasies.

When I watched porn, I would skip any scene where there wasn't a guy. I told myself that this was only because the parts where they were having sex was the only good parts. All the scenes where a woman stripped or played with herself were just put there as filler to make the movies longer.

Similarly, the one time I went with friends to a strip club for a bachelor party I couldn't understand what they found so exciting while I was bored out of my mind. I decided that it must be I wasn't aroused because for some reason I could see the look on the women's faces that seemed to say that they were imagining being anywhere then on stage and my friends just didn't notice. I only wanted to be with my female friends at their bachelorette party at the male strip club because it would be funny to see their reactions.

I was afraid to drink or be on anything that would impair my control, even if it was a prescription from a doctor, because I thought I would start saying that I was gay. At the same time I believed that I wasn't gay and that it was just a thought that wouldn't go away.

I could list even more very unreasonable thoughts that I had; I think you can get the picture though. I honestly believed every one of those thoughts at one time or another. The times that I started to question them would lead to feelings of guilt and shame until I reached the cusp of admitting I was gay, and then they would just loop about over again without coming to a conclusion. Usually though, I just couldn't focus on these thoughts. My mind would become blank and I just didn't think about it even though I was constantly worrying what must be wrong with me.

I'm not saying that everyone who is in denial about their sexuality has these thoughts, but I would be willing to bet money that many of those people would say that they had had similar thoughts at one time or another. The reason I think that this is just an OCD issue for you, besides you saying that you have only found yourself sexually attracted to women, is that you haven't written down anything that seems to me like you are trying to deny that your gay either consciously or unconsciously.

I hope this post helps you in some way.

 

I can fully agree with what FashionDisaster says, above. To me, it sounds more like an obsession than denying some secret inner gayness.

To me, the subconscious denial was really about denying the gay fantasies I had, and trying to "rephrase them" into meaning I was actually straight.
So I'd find myself getting off to gay porn, but then telling to myself that I really was just comparing myself to the guys in there. Or that I was really just looking at it to admire their technique. Or that it just happened to be the first thing I clicked and that I was too horny to find the straight porn (obviously, I NEVER got to the straight porn )

Similar to gay fantasies. I'd imagine what it would be like to get close to a guy, live together, do things together, spend every waking moment together... and then tell myself it really was just me enjoying really close friendships.

Meanwhile, I'd have very little success in straight fantasies. I'd try to enjoy imagining life with a woman, but then I'd always just end up making lists of things I'd find enjoyable (and not really imagining them or fantasising about them). Whenever I did fantasise, I'd fade to black at moments where intimacy would be required.

And when watching straight porn, I'd always find reasons of rationalising why it wasn't as enjoyable as the gay stuff. (interestngly enough, I could get off to any porn. It just wasn't as good as the gay stuff).
I'd tell myself I was just not that horny at the moment, or that the girl wasn't my type (and that that meant I just HAD to focus on the guy instead ).


So... I'd adopt "I'm straight" as a conclusion, and whatever other evidence was given, I'd try to explain it away to get to that conclusion.
Mind you, I obviously knew I looked at gay porn or fantasised about men (I'd have denied it if asked, obviously). I didn't black out those memories. I just explained them away.



What you do, seems to be the exact opposite. You enjoy sex and intimacy and romance with women. And gay fantasising doesn't seem to do it for you. So... I'd say that could be a large part of your answer right there. If neither your body nor your mind get aroused, then it might be that it's just not there.

Also, do remember that being gay isn't just about erections or orgasms. It's also about really, truly, deeply enjoying the company of other men in a nonsexual romantic way.
So for me it doesn't just mean "jerking off to gay porn". It means randomly getting thoughts about a (male) crush during the day. About sometimes getting carried away with "what if we would go on a holiday together?". About just thinking how awesome it would be to buy this guy dinner and spend hours talking.

So I'd say that if you're questioning, it pays to look if there's a pattern of getting fascinated with guys. If you sometimes find your attention captivated by them and your imagination running away, in the same way as it apparently does for women. Don't focus just on the "this one time, I nearly got an erection". I've had that for women occasionally, and it didn't change me into being straight.