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Mothers choosing your life path. :(

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Alexander69, Nov 9, 2012.

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  1. Alexander69

    Alexander69
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    Anyway my mom and dad are back from Hawaii yesterday and my mother like always has her "girls" come over and they talk and catch up. Anyways I walked in to the kitchen and heard my mom speaking with her friends (obviously I listened in and hid behind the island LOL) anyways se was talking to her friends and said "we need to find a suitable girl for Alex, he has never dated anyone that I know of so he has no experience in this area so it's my job to find a suitable pretty girl for Alex to like" one if her firends said "he has never been with a girl? Is he gay? He's always been a bit ify don't you think" my mother "god no Alex gay? He's the last guy on earth to be gay, and if he was he knows best not to act on it or tell his father or I" so I'm like ...... Ok WTF! What ever anyway I kept listening and her other friend says "I think it's great to support homosexuality I'm friends with many gay men and let me tell you it's nice not having to worry about being hit on when your out with them" my mom says "homosexuality is disgusting its a sin homosexuals are dirty and full of diseases" I wanted to yell so Badley at my mom NO JOKE like WTF UGH! So I listen and her friend said "what type if girl would he like?" My mom "there are 2 important things 1 she needs to be very pretty and 2 she needs to come from a wealthy family and have a good career ahead of her. These things are very important to assure that my grand child is beautiful and has a good life"......... I'm thinking how am I ever going to come out? Like I wasn't planing on it anytime soon but after that my mind is like..... So messed up!
     
    #1 Alexander69, Nov 9, 2012
  2. Chip

    Chip
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    Alexander, sorry you had to listen to this crap. It's no wonder you've had such a hard time developing a normal view of the world with a mother like that :slight_smile:

    First... I think your mother actually knows you're gay. She's deep in denial, but she knows. That's the "He'd be the last person on earth" part... she knows what her friend said has truth. And her friend knows as well. :slight_smile:

    Second... When anyone experiences a loss -- in this case, your mom's loss of her perception of you as straight, there are stages they go through: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. What you're seeing in your mom is denial ("He's definitely not gay, the last guy on earth to be gay") a bit of the anger stage ("Homosexuals are disgusting and full of diseases") and a little bit of "bargaining" ("Well, if he's gay, he knows not to come out"). So actually, she's already thinking about it and trying to work it through.

    But as for this business of her finding a girl for you, No. Just No. Notice that it seems that she treats spouses for her children the same way she treats every other object. In particular, I find it interesting that nowhere in there was there anything about the girl being someone you liked, someone who loves you, someone you'd get along with, or anything of the sort. It's all about shallow, pretentious, material stuff. No wonder you've had the perceptions you have!

    But you don't have to go along with any of that bullshit. Nor do you have to come out. It's a simple matter to, in so many words, say "Thanks, but I'll find someone to date when I'm ready. Please let me make those choices for myself, thank you." or something to that effect. If she's a complete bitch about it, there are other strategies, but hopefully that one will do the trick for now.
     
    #2 Chip, Nov 9, 2012
  3. Alexander69

    Alexander69
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    Thank you for your reply chip :slight_smile: you are a great person I mean it ❤. I couldn't believe what I was hearing I was so sad I ran all the way to my bedroom and just cried in my bathroom :frowning2: her friends have aske me if I was gay before infrint if her and I of course deny it like crazy. But ugh. She always want me to Mary a wealthy European skinny pretty catholic girl. She's like that's a suitable match for you. In like ok but I don't want to date she goes " you've never dated how do you know your not ready?" I'm like I like being single. "When do you expect to have healthy children age 50? Stop being so selfish" I'm like Sean is dating and is 21 so when is he getting married and popping out kids? "Your brother is dating a girl a REAL girl he is many steps ahead of you, it's you im worried about. Have i made my self clear here?" Things like that which I don't really care what she says I've learned to ignore her all the time. I try to change the topic LMAO. But I never I never knew she talks about me with her friends like that TAHTS what shocked me te most.
     
    #3 Alexander69, Nov 9, 2012
  4. Luke Matt

    Luke Matt
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    This is sad; I feel sorry for you bud. My mum was almost the same as the mother you described (e.g. disgusted, wrong, the whole "Adam and Eve, not Adam & Steve" bullshit) but I've noticed lately she's become really accepting (by the way, I haven't told her anything yet). I think she knows but she's in denial (like, she's always asking if one
    of my best friends is still with her boyfriend, as if implying I should have a crack at her..). Anyway, I kno how it feels and all it does is push you deeper in the closet..
     
    #4 Luke Matt, Nov 9, 2012
  5. Hard Candy

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    How do you react when your mom asks about your friends, and when you feel she's like giving you a signal that you should go out with her?
     
    #5 Hard Candy, Nov 9, 2012
  6. Alexander69

    Alexander69
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    Oh I know it completley does, the ironic part here is that here she is making sure I'm not gay yet se asks me for fashion advice all the time.... HAHA
     
    #6 Alexander69, Nov 9, 2012
  7. Luke Matt

    Luke Matt
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    Well, I've kind of perfected the art of avoiding/dodging questions (in relation to girlfriends/love etc). In this case, I just told her they were still together & that we were just really good friends. Then my mum was like "But how can her boyfriend trust you..?", & I was like "Well, we're (me & her boyfriend) good friends so..". But in like...relation to other times (e.g. when we have family friends over & they ask me if I have a girlfriend yet), I usually just laugh it off.

    It's pretty sad & I die a little bit inside every-time they start talking about girlfriends & relationships. I mean, I don't think they know how lonely & desperate I am to find a boyfriend (I give off this aura of happiness, but it's just an illusion to keep everyone else happy).

    ---------- Post added 9th Nov 2012 at 10:08 PM ----------

    See, my family isn't religious at all; we're all atheists (including most of our extended family), so I guess I've got it a little easier. Nevertheless, though, I still don't think my parents are accepting. The first person I'm probably going to tell is my step mum, because I know she's accepting and she's always reminding me that "we'll love you no matter what team you bat for", which is nice. She probably knows.
     
    #7 Luke Matt, Nov 9, 2012
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2012
  8. Alexander69

    Alexander69
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    That's so nice that your step mom is like that I'm so jealous :'( and I do the same thing with my parents friends OMG its so embarasing also my partners through theses huge dinner parties over 100 people come over and my partners introduce me to everyone and I shake their hands or give a hug and they ask me "is there a lucky girl out there" in like no not get I'm focusing on myself and my future at the moment but when I have one ill let you know. Things like that. And so many people as me and I say the same thing and of course my parents are right beside me. Ugh so awkward. I usually just stay inner room after I've been introduced. I always feel like people can tell and that makes it more awkward.

    ---------- Post added 9th Nov 2012 at 03:16 AM ----------

    Sorry for spelling ugh iPhones!
     
    #8 Alexander69, Nov 9, 2012
  9. The Escapist

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    That sounds painful, I'm so sorry. (*hug*)
    I hope she accepts you one day. I don't really have any advice.
     
    #9 The Escapist, Nov 9, 2012
  10. Luke Matt

    Luke Matt
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    Dude, trust me.. I know. I'm always avoiding functions/family events now because of that same thing. I've become a lot more shut off recently, like.. I guess it's just because I'm sick of lying & I know for certain now that I'm gay. I get asked those same questions at least every week & I'm so over it (by my family friends, family, grandparents, parents, sister etc).
     
    #10 Luke Matt, Nov 9, 2012
  11. Alexander69

    Alexander69
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    Awe hun I know how you feel it's terrible. I'm out to 2 friends now so that makes me feel good That I can be myself around them and talk about sexy men with them hehe :grin:
     
    #11 Alexander69, Nov 9, 2012
  12. Luke Matt

    Luke Matt
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    I've (mistakenly) revealed myself to another gay guy from high-school (he had no idea), except we're not really friends & I never really got along with him (he's extremely gossipy & we're not similar in ANY WAY, lol).

    ---------- Post added 9th Nov 2012 at 10:35 PM ----------

    He won't tell anyone though so I'm not bothered.
     
    #12 Luke Matt, Nov 9, 2012
  13. Alexander69

    Alexander69
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    Lol well I guess that's good than AHAHHA :slight_smile: I'm here for ya
     
    #13 Alexander69, Nov 9, 2012
  14. Capichino

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    My brother and like my hole family is extreamly homophobic and stuff and its crazy and if my brother would find out literally he has tild me that if I'm gay my hole life will be in danger and I probly only have 1/2 real freinds
     
    #14 Capichino, Nov 9, 2012
  15. Alexander69

    Alexander69
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    Awe hun your brother is a dick (no offense) you will have real friend don't worry about that!!!!!! Ok :slight_smile: real friends will love you no matter what sexual orientation you are! it's harder when you are younger because pre teens and teens are not very mature (trust me) but once you get older around 17-19 you are usually more mature. I didn't tell anyone I was gay untill I graduated because I knew that being in school and being an out gay guy..... It wouldn't have been as easy to have friends and get through high school. But don't worry bout not having friends ok :slight_smile: you will always have friends
     
    #15 Alexander69, Nov 9, 2012
  16. Chip

    Chip
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    Wow. The fact that SHE is telling you that YOUR decision not to date or have children soon is selfish is... simply beyond comprehension. The woman is completely living in a world of her own. I guess I shouldn't be surprised with the rest of the stuff you've said, but really now... the person being selfish here is her, not you. You get to decide if, when, and who to date. You get to decide what sort of person, personality, sex, appearance, culture, socio-economic status. You get to decide whether or not to have kids.

    This may be a bit of a battle for you, but if you start gently and respectfully setting boundaries -- gently letting her know you'll choose your own dates, and when to date, and so forth -- she will, hopefully, start to get the message.
     
    #16 Chip, Nov 9, 2012
  17. Mirko

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    Sorry to hear that your mom has said all of that. That's unbelievable! (*hug*)

    As Chip mentioned, your mom seems to be living in her own world, and she can't decide as to with whom you are going to end up with. As Chip mentioned, try setting some boundaries around that. I don't think it would hurt even just to mention "mom, I don't feel ready to date yet" and just try leaving it at that.
     
    #17 Mirko, Nov 9, 2012
  18. Alexander69

    Alexander69
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    I have said that stuff before to her and she ignores me. She's like "this is important to the family why can't you see this! You need a perfect mate one who comes from a wealthy background and Is pretty, these things are so important for your future and for our family!" She tells me this stuff all the time. I'm good with shoving it off but like honestly when I heard her talking to her friends like that..... I was shocked and hurt.
     
    #18 Alexander69, Nov 9, 2012
  19. MixedNutz

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    Story of my life. My mom used to ask me when I'm going to settle down. But she never does anymore, she has always until this day asked for fashion advice. We has stopped asking about girlfriends and everything.

    I think moms know in their heart heart but choose to ignore and deny it
     
    #19 MixedNutz, Nov 9, 2012
  20. Mirko

    Mirko
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    Maybe try being a bit more 'forceful' then, but still ask her politely to stop asking you because you feel it is becoming too much for you and you will let her know when you are ready to date.
     
    #20 Mirko, Nov 9, 2012
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