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So what's the best way to stay in the closet?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Fire2free, Nov 11, 2012.

  1. Fire2free

    Fire2free Guest

    My mom basically just told me not to be gay, for at least 3 more years, for the sake of my family cause it would lead to many problems. She still wont actually say that she thinks I'm gay & I've never told her, but she has said it in almost every other way. I'm not good with keeping my family out of my life and how can I figure out if I'm really gay if I feel like it wrong?:eusa_doh:
     
  2. Pret Allez

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    That's unfair to the point of being abusive.
     
  3. Fire2free

    Fire2free Guest

    What do you mean?
     
  4. Mlpguy88

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    The way I stay in the closet is just by keeping quiet, I never show an interest in anyone or say how I feel about it. I won't lie to you, it hurts, it really does, but it is how I have stayed hidden my whole life.

    I wish you the best, and when it is to much to handle alone you have us to talk to (*hug*)
     
  5. Pret Allez

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    What I'm saying is that it's extremely unfair of them to ask of you that you don't come out as gay or have any relationships with women, and that you make an extra effort to hide that part of yourself. They have no idea what you'd be going through, and as straight people, they have no idea about the pain, rejection, and fear of violence we all face.

    And it's told to you in a completely uncomprehending way, disguised in the most disgusting way as "taking one for the team." That request is morally reprehensible in the extreme.
     
  6. Fire2free

    Fire2free Guest

    Thanks, my resent problem is that there's this thing going on with this girl,:icon_sad: she wants to see where we go but I can risk loosing my family know there's to much going on to through me being gay in the mix.:help:
     
  7. Rachyl

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    Yes, you should need to be able to be yourself. Burying any part of who you are is not healthy (*hug*)
     
  8. Pret Allez

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    Well, in order to be able to offer an opinion, could you tell me why it would "create problems" in the family? Does it create problems between other people, or is it that they would reject you? I can't speak to your circumstances, but I definitely feel that the mean-spiritedness in that is profound.
     
    #8 Pret Allez, Nov 11, 2012
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2012
  9. Fire2free

    Fire2free Guest

    Ok watch it with some of these post, this is my MOM who I love very much, I come from a very big family that is supper close, none of them r gay or even ok with gay. My father is kinda the worst of them all, and my moms trying to perfect me since he is the most important person in my life. My Mom is a disabled war veteran so my dad basically razed me since my mom was away. My other post wasn't posted against my mom.
     
  10. Greendalehumans

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    You didn't explain any of that in the earlier posts; it's unreasonable to expect everyone to be cautious of what they're saying (even though none of the replies seem offensive to me) about the situation. You only highlighted the negative parts of everything, so of course people weren't praising your family.

    Anyways, I don't think that you should be forced to hide who you are. How would your coming out cause problems for your family? What would happen?
     
  11. Pret Allez

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    I'm not trying to be a jerk to you. For example, I didn't ask you to cut ties with your parents. I'm just saying that it's fairly hurtful to ask a child to stay closeted. I'd be extremely hurt if my parents had ever asked that of me; for example, if they were politicians and "having it leak to the public that you're gay would hurt my career."

    But still, I am curious to know why it creates problems, and if so, what problems?
     
  12. Fire2free

    Fire2free Guest

    Very true and I'm sorry just a bit protective, this is the hard part to explain because I can't say everything about what's going on.:eusa_doh: Basically in the past year mom has gotten many surgeries and still isn't getting better, best friend has cancer, I've been diagnosed with AD/HD, OCD, dyslexia, and depression. Me brother when to Iraq & left us with his wife & kid who lives with us, my grandpa died leaving my father head of the family farming business which means all his siblings r know fighting, there's 7 biological related & 6 adopted, like I said big family. And my 4 brothers can't seem to be good for five minutes. Everything has happened recently!

    ---------- Post added 11th Nov 2012 at 09:02 PM ----------

    The problem is if I come out like I want to, yes I get the girl, but me dad may go off the deep end, I may not be the oldest but I am the first biological child and that kinda makes me the future head of my family, I've been raised to take over after my dad and if I don't it could hurt a lot of people financial.
     
  13. tacofarts42

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    I think "staying in the closet" doesn't always have to be such a hard thing. My friend and I both come from families that do not approve of LGBT stuff, and he and I both vowed that we would never tell our parents. We are in our mid-twenties and while it is a bit stressful, it hasn't ruined our lives or relationships in anyway.

    Just think about it as never being able to talk to your parents about sex. This doesn't have to be all bad, for example, I never want to hear my parents talk to me about their sex lives, so avoiding the subject has been a blessing.

    Make sure your partner/date/whatever knows where you stand and just never invite them home, or if you do, invite them as a "friend", maybe with a larger group of people. That way your parents can meet this person, and you can still include that person in your personal life. If that person doesn't like that idea and wants you to "come out" when you don't want to, maybe that person isn't right for you.

    It sounds to me what your parents are asking is that they don't want to KNOW all about your sex life, which I think a lot of parents don't want, no matter what sexuality their kid is. To me it sounds like they still love you, but there are some topics that can't be brought up in your family. They are letting you know to help you out, in their own way.

    Sometimes it is best to just avoid topics, not lie, but keep away from "dangerous" areas. You can still be YOU without having to tell everyone everything about you. Don't let your family know all your personal business, and if they are the kind of people that ask, just say that you are focusing on you right now, or school, or work, or something besides having a relationship. That way you aren't REALLY lying, but you can still keep your private life private, and change the subject to something less "offensive".
     
  14. FishMan27

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    Perhaps other users know more about this, but have you heard of PFLAG? All I know is that it's meant for families/friends of gays and lesbians. Maybe it would be a helpful resource. Like I said, I know little about it, but I thought I'd just throw it out there.

    Good luck trying to sort this out. I can see how it could be kind of a difficult situation, but I can tell you from experience that just being able to be honest with yourself about your sexuality feels great!
     
  15. Fire2free

    Fire2free Guest

    My biggest worry is how much I like this girl and wouldn't mind her being a part of my exclusive family group, even straight family members have trouble bringing in people, she is the first person I've felt this way for.
     
  16. Pret Allez

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    I wouldn't be worried about it. It sounds to me like you said that not only do your parents not want you to come out, they don't want you to be a lesbian. And I think the three years thing is a bit arbitrary. What if three years comes and goes, and they still don't want you to be a lesbian?

    I understand and appreciate your concern. But at the same time (and, ugh, I feel like I'm mansplaining here, sorry in advance), women are often expected to be the nurturers and do everything to satisfy everyone every time except themselves. I just think that while you may be able to hide in the short- or mid-term, hiding for the long-term is going to take too much of a toll on your mental health. This decision is of course only for you to make. However, in my humble opinion, you should place your own interests a little bit higher.

    Lots of love.
     
  17. TheSeeker

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    Ok, a few things. First off, I agree with Pret Allez, and what he said about it being really cruel for your mom to want you to stay closeted. You cannot help being gay, it is not a choice. If you come out, it is for you and nobody else. Suppressing yourself is not healthy.

    My parents knew I was something other than straight when I was 15 (not sure how old you are) but their response was to send me to a hardcore "Focus on the Family" therapist in Colorado Springs. I haven't spoken to them about it since then... 10 years. I was in denial until last year, just started coming out a few weeks ago, and I am furious with myself for not doing it sooner... I would give anything to have that time back.

    If you are in a place in your life where it is safe to come out to your family, then do it. If not, just keep it a secret, but please don't deny yourself happiness on account of others' disapproval. You are human, who likes other humans! Go for it!

    Please keep us all posted here at EC. Best of luck!

    -the Seeker
     
  18. madi

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    Don't miss out on the opportunity with this girl. It sounds like what you have with her is special and you'll regret it if you let her pass you by. Like was suggested above if you refuse to come out then introduce her as a friend until you are at a place where you can be honest with your family. I get your concern with causing more drama since your family has been through a lot lately, but you should come out of the closet when you are ready and that shouldn't have to do with what your family is going through, it should have to do with you. Also, would this girl be okay with being your secret for a while?
     
  19. Fire2free

    Fire2free Guest

    :eusa_doh: I think she's ok with it being a secret but I think since my family is such a big part of my life she feels that she is more invested in our?... Something? Than I am. She was the one to start this thing, I didn't even realize she liked me till my friend told me:icon_sad: I've been told I'm pretty dense, so I do feel I need to do something to make her feel as though I do want this to be a serious relationship. & how do I convince her I'm not flirting with my lab partner, I'm just nice to her, I don't actual like her.
     
  20. madi

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    Hmmmm I tend to come across as flirty because I am just nice to people in general so I'm not sure how to clear it up. If it comes up just be honest with her, but I wouldn't bring it up at random in conversation.
    To let her know you are serious I would recommend just being upfront with her. Tell her how you feel about her and if you are too nervous to tell her to her face then maybe write a letter/note and give it to her.
    I get that it is hard having a family that is trying to suppress part of who you are, especially if you are very close with them, but for now make sure you don't push this girl away. She may be able to help you come out to your family when the time is right also. If not though, I'm sure you can at least make wonderful memories with her even if it doesn't end up working out.