I have gotten so many different reviews so if I could get your input I would be so grateful. Thanks Flooding out of the bus after being held hostage, we thought we were free. The blanket of snow hid them from sight, showing nothing but their masked faces. We quickly shuffled towards the only building in sight, an abandoned shack with gargoyle-like statues watching our every move. This would quickly turn into the best time of my life. No, this was not a horror story that miraculously became a paradise. My classmates and I were entering through the doors into the retreat called Search. Each Gonzaga Prep Junior takes part in this weekend long, life changing experience. My turn came on February 24th. After anxiously getting off the bus, we walked into the foyer where we were instructed to gather our things and head upstairs to settle in our rooms. Immediately as my roommate Peter and I walked through the door, we saw posters made by our families plastered with dozens of pictures. Taken aback by these flabbergasting posters that left us with nothing but a smirk grin, we sat on our bed reading the hand written comments that painted the collage. Disturbing the silence, the blaring of some outdated, adult-alternative song sent us back downstairs into the chapel. Here we were given some boundaries regarding the “Search Bears” and where they were guarding. Along with these miscellaneous guidelines, each of us was to choose a rock and in some cases a small boulder. This rock and I were to be inseparable. As quickly as we filled the chapel, it was time now to leave and go to bed. A gentle knock on the door, the crack in the curtains filling the room with a soft white light, the smell of sausage and ham, my day was about to get even better. After finishing breakfast and doing some small group activities with our senior leader, Mr. McKenna gave a rather unusual command, “Go get your rain gear and get comfortable in the chapel”. I figured the rain gear was a metaphor but I wouldn’t need it, I don’t cry. Curled up in my sleeping bag, propped up against a step leading to the altar, my rock was digging into my side. A candle was in the middle of the chapel with everyone circling it. Looks of confusion filled the room until Max got up, grabbed the candle and sat back down. Nothing was said for what seemed like hours until the silence was broken. Max started talking, but until Trevor had the candle I didn’t realize we were sharing the things that had hurt us the most. One by one, everyone in the circle had an opportunity to share. So caught up in what some of my best friends were saying, I didn’t realize that my turn was next. Once handed the candle, all cognitive abilities seized. After my train wreck of a thought was over and the candle was out of my possession, it started to rain. Gathering my composure, it was time to get rid of this burden that had been with me all weekend. Stirring from the safety of my sleeping bag, I released this entity manifested in a rock. Crying a bit more, everyone was exhausted. This hurt circle was done and, after hugs were exchanged, we made our way back to our rooms where brown paper bags with our names were waiting. Upon opening, I began reading letters from friends and family that had ever had a part in shaping who I was. It was snowing. Music was emanating from the chapel once again. This time is wasn't some blaring song that I would learn to tune out, it was our Search song. Swim by Jack’s Mannequin. This song stands for everything that is my life. It is more than just a harmony and lyrics mushed together. My taste for music broadened. My respect for music was forever heightened. Search was not just some retreat that taught me to be nice to other people. No. Search changed me. It changed the perception of the people around me. Who cares if we are similar, everyone is human and like me need not be judged.
Hey! Ok - so I went through college apps last year. I'm not sure what type of college you are applying or what the prompt is but as far as I see, for a standard 4-year academic college, I don't know what this essay's purpose is. First, I want to say - like I said - I really don't know what type of colleges you are applying to and I mean no offense, just pure suggestion. 688 words/ 3807 characters... does this essay have no size limit? or is it 4000 chars? Anyways, it would be really helpful to see the prompt. From what I can tell, its to talk about a life changing experience. Maybe common app essay 1? Anyways, while the essay has a lot of nice narrative to it, it has much less analysis and at many points, its vague and difficult to fully understand what is happening and the premise at certain times is lost on me. It has some grammar/ sentence structure issues but that's easily fixable. I honestly don't know where the last paragraph came from, esp the part starting with "This song stands for everything that is my life." Most importantly, you are telling me a story about something that happened but I learned nothing about you. College essays aren't for story telling, they are for showing the college who you are and what you are capable of. Use every opportunity to reveal your characteristics while still keeping the reader interested. Remember, the college app reviewers don't have time to study each essay. They should be able to understand the essay and a lot about you with a quick read. In your essay, all I felt that was happening was it was just an event. I still have no clue about who you are and what you are capable of. I can give you tons of specifics but I feel the overall essay needs to be changed from a complete narrative to more of a themed account. But, as I keep on saying..... These are just suggestions; things that worked for me. Of course, these things also helped me get scholarships at top colleges like Ivy leagues so... your choice. EDIT: on a side note, why are you older than me and applying for college when I'm in college xD I didn't skip a grade so....
This is for the University of Washington and the prompt is "Tell us a story from your life, describing an experience that either demonstrates your character or helped to shape it". I wanted the music to stand for people in a way. When I said the part about the song standing for everything that is my life I was trying to refer back to the first time I mentioned the song. So at the beginning I disregarded the song as just noise but by the end I had a new respect for the "music". Other than the song part which other parts confused you? I am a little old for a senior but you are incredibly young for a freshman in college. Did you start kindergarten early. Anyway I really appreciate this. Thanks
First of all, I'm impressed.... I didn't really start my essays until 2 weeks before the deadline xD I still remember my incredibly detailed plan on how to write 23 essays. Anyways, I think the major flaw is that you assume that the reader is going to make all of these connections and then understand what you mean. You have to consider the fact that the reader knows nothing about Search or anything you do on Search. Also, we don't need all the details - only the parts that answer the prompt and help you get to your ultimate point. The prompt literally says they want to learn about your character. So show that - its your chance to show them who you are - show them your thoughts, show them your actions, show them YOU. Obviously, we need to know about whats going on but be clear and concise. Unless you were applying to some creative writing program - we don't need a narrative. Also, little things like "smirk grin" take away from the essay.... have someone go over this just for grammar and diction issues. Smirk and grin can be used as nouns or verbs... neither is an adjective. Also, the ending was too short and choppy. The last paragraph is vital to your essay but I don't know how you got to these conclusions. For example, "Who cares if we are similar," where did this come from? Never before do you mention the issue of individualism yet it pops up in your paragraph explaining the significance of the entire essay. I definitely think you can keep this essay and just do some changing. I kinda want to share one of my essays but it has way too many personal things. However, one thing I can say, is that my 500 word essay had 18 I's. By proportionality, your's should have 24/25... yours has 12... the essay topic and style was very similar to yours... the college app is all about YOU! [BTW, I borderline on sharing my friend's Stanford essays that got him in... they are a bit different but sort of similar... if you really want them, convince me xD] In addition (this should actually help with the narrative problem) - just the way you word things doesn't promote the clearness and conciseness needed... for example, compare these two sentences: "Disturbing the silence, the blaring of some outdated, adult-alternative song sent us back downstairs into the chapel. " "A sudden blaring of an outdated, adult-alternative song alerted us to go downstairs into the chapel." It gets the message across in a shorter and concise way. This is actually a really great skill to learn - making things more concise. It gives you more room for the important stuff but it also makes the essay clearer, flow better, and easier to read. Also, think about what characteristic(s) you are showing. Is it something that will get you in? Is it something that the college is looking for? Tolerance, diversity, kind, sincere, etc are all really great to have but is that something that people are going to say "wow, this person is really going to enhance the reputation of this university"? How about leadership, devotion and determined, hard-working, focused, etc? Usually people with the latter have what was mentioned before. For me, I stressed my leadership skills since I had so many ways to show it. My scholarship was based on my regular college application essays ... if you want to get it, show them something that you really enjoy about yourself and that the college would really want. There is a lot to consider when writing a college app essay. Although my execution was only within 2 weeks, I spent months planning the essays. I got ideas for the big essays in the most randomest times like in math class - because I was always thinking about the best way to answer the prompt and show them why they need me. And, I'm just an engineer. I am definitely not an expert in writing or anything. This is simply my experience with others and my application. As for my age... I actually was 5 in kindergarten... which is pretty much what its supposed to be... to be honest, IDK why i'm generally younger because in Africa, where I lived, school ended in January. I moved to America in February 2001 and didnt go to school until September (2nd grade) .... so I had a 7 month gap and still am slightly younger xD Sorry for making you read my long critique xD I just write as it comes to my mind. Oh, and remember, everyone writes differently. Just because I said this stuff doesn't mean another reader would disagree with several points and add other points that I would disagree with. Nevertheless, good luck You still have plenty of time to work on it and make it perfect! I'm sure you have done this, but try to get your teacher's or other friend's or etc's opinion. The more, the better.
