What is your kryptonite?

I don't want anyone.

That's the lie I speak.

I do want someone. I just can't do it. I avoid rejection by not letting there be any chances of it. I feel GREAT about myself until it comes to physical things. I actually get sick over my body. I'm a big guy. I am fine with that. It's my skin, it's.... Everything. I can never picture myself with anyone because I don't feel like it is possible for anyone to be intimate with me. I'm not a depressed person. I don't get upset with it. It's worse. I have accepted it all. All my life. I want to dye my hair black, wear brown contacts, never have pale skin. I hate myself on the outside. Hate. Such a sad word. I've never told anyone this stuff. But I have always accepted me being alone forever. It doesn't make me sad. Promise. It just makes me sad that I am repulsed by what I was born as.

---------- Post added 22nd Nov 2012 at 07:53 PM ----------

That didn't help me. Now I'm just sick at work.

 

My kryptonite is hot men I have such a hard time controlling myself around men LOL I mean I do I just love men so much! So sexy and beautiful and strong! yum

 

I have the same problem. Because of my size, I have a hard time imagining that anyone would want me. I know I'm in a relationship, but I'm always afraid she'll reject me because of my body.

 

It's honestly just everything wrapped around my size. I would like to be a little less big but it's who I am. The big funny guy. Intimidates kids at work too. That plus I'm tall.

 

I'd be okay being a big guy, but not THIS big. I wanna be able to look nice. I just look like a joke. I feel like a joke, too. I'd kill to be taller though.

But yea, I totally relate. I feel like I'd be really handsome and attractive if I lost X amount of weight.

 

See I just want a different face and everything.

 

Now I'm willing to bet thats not necessary.

 

Admittedly, it's discussing people's first times (sexually). I instantly realize that I didn't have a normal development in that field or time of life and I fear I may never catch up. Whenever the conversation turns to sex or anything like that, I hot-foot it right the hell out of there. With the way I act when sex comes up, there's people who think I was molested.

 

Expectations kill me. mine and others of me. Whenever I don't exceed them, I feel like a complete failure. I have to remind myself to be proud of what I've done

 

I talk about a lot of my problems if asked, but there's one I avoid.

I'm unwanted.

 

I refuse to believe that. Regardless of how the people in your life many feel, you are already quite friendly, likeable, and articulate, especially to be so young. Dont ever let anyone thing that any about you is undesirable.

That ironically considering what I just posted above, as much as I try to help other people with insecurity and learning to love oneself, even my advice can undue the scarring I have had in my past. I'm a strong person, I know that, maybe if I had really lost my sanity I would be able to admit that my life hasnt been that easy. Gen is strong and doesnt allow things to bring him down, but things really havent been so peachy.

You know, I think I could have handled the father that would have rather had a "dead son than a gay son" and would have meant to stay true to his wrong had he had been existant in my life enough to access me. I probably could have mustered through the ultimately verbally abusive mother and exploitive sister. I could have dealth with the perfectionism and minor OCD tendencies. I swear I could, but all at once.. I mean, damn.

"But Gen tells everything to love themselves, guys, just the way you are!"

But no one knows the amount of tireless effort I put into my appearance. The hour I spend every other day in front of the mirror with a pair of scissors making sure that each respecting hair on my body is of an equal and respective length. The skin and teeth routines. The dilifent fitness and exercise. Oh, but it is all really healthy....atleast physically .

And wanna know the funniest part? Or sad. Depending on what your opinion is of the twisted. Is that the reason why this post is so bathed in comical overtone is because I get too emotional because I have to go shopping with friends in an hour and the aftermath of tears doesnt suit me very well. God forbid, my tears effect my appearance.

But Gen doesnt have issues, everyone thinks that way.

I'm fine, I dont need help or advice. I love myself, I do. That is something that I preach because I do believe in it. But there are just some things that you cannot erase. I dont mean to be dramatic, but I do everything in my power to reach out to people because although I may be strong enough to just deal with it, at the end of the day, its not ok, and no should have to "deal" what I have been through.

 

Opening up.. about feelings. When I need a friend to be there for me, I can't ask for help. Even if I had a bunch of supportive friends near me, I can't reach out. There have been times that I definitely should have asked for help but I didn't because I can't. It's hard for me to open up to those in real life about anything. I go with facts. Facts and thoughts are much easier to express than emotions. Then I laugh it off in front of them and change the subject. Like I can say with a matter-of-fact face that my stepdad died when I was ten. But to express how much that affected me emotionally is almost impossible (unless online). I can tell them about events or about my life in the moment but I can't tell them how depressed I've been lately. I struggle between wanting support and wanting to seem strong and not burden others with my vulnerabilities.

 

I can totally relate to you midwestgirl

It's very hard for me to open up about my true feelings even to very close friends. Recently two family members passed away( I'll spare the details) and although everyone thinks it didn't hurt me I just couldn't tell them how sad it made me. When I try to talk to my friends about something personal I end up talking around it eventually.

Expressing my emotions. That's my kryptonite.

 

It depends on how I'm feeling and who I'm around, though I am now a lot more open than I used to be. What is invariably hard for me to open up about, though, is something I don't particularly want to specify even here. So there.

 

I'm socially awkward. I dunno how to start conversations, nor to keep them going on. And when I'm with my friends, I'm mute most of the time. And when I'm alone I listen to music in my iPod mini. Yes. Mini.

 

Mine is absolutely opening up about feelings. I can count on one hand with one friend who I open up to. It's difficult for me because I am everyone and their mother's therapist. I can't open up about my feelings because I always feel weak and vulnerable and I hate that. I use my music to help me cope. I have severe lonliness issues after going years with no real friends. I just learned how to be a good friend and I have awesome friends, it's just I don't want to scare them away by opening up.

 

I find it really hard to open up to pretty much anyone about pretty much everything. When I have some kind of problem I'd rather try to fix it myself than ask for help. These include things I encounter at work and at school but also emotional problems.

This also is the reason why I've only been able to come out full of liquid courage. It also includes this:

If I don't open up to people I like, not even asking someone out, I can be sure there will be no rejection. Again - liquor helps. However even then I won't ask someone out because of fear of rejection.

 

Water, throw me into a pool or the lake and I will freak out. Afraid of drowning, therefore I never learned to swim.