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Missed the boat in college - it's a strange sea for the questioning twenty-somethings

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Robin Vote, Dec 2, 2012.

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  1. Robin Vote

    Robin Vote
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    It took me a long time to find this place - or rather a lot of effort. Where do you turn when your intentions are not necessarily "coming out" but more along the lines of putting out feelers?

    I waded into mostly male-dominated, teenage chats for hours before finding a community to reach out to. Not that the "male" aspect was an issue - it was just hard for a questioning girl to find footing out here in cyber space.

    This is a good place, a good thread, for other people who are questioning or tentative - I'm not out at all and not even sure what that means to me.

    Though I have identified as straight and dated/loved a man, I know that straight doesn't even come close to true. I am unsatisfied with that and unconvinced by most other neat labels - even as I crave something to cleave to in this storm of early 20s questioning.
    I am attracted to women, but I've never followed that thread through to any conclusions about myself. Now I'm tangled in the slack.

    How do you approach this revelatory stage of questioning when you don't want to invest in the social and family-issues that come with it - if you just aren't sure enough for it to be anyone business?

    Advice about interpreting and dealing with uncertain sexuality, how to feel your way into the community without advertising yourself, what experimentation might be and how different groups view it, how to come to terms with newly incorporated parts of your identity... Anything like that is appreciated, of course.


    Looking for friendship from others like myself or not - helpful or in need of help.

    Who else deals with questioning issues and how do you deal with them? (or have you dealt with them?)
     
    #1 Robin Vote, Dec 2, 2012
  2. Adelaida

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    Re: Missed the boat in college - it's a strange sea for the questioning twenty-someth

    I missed the boat in college, too. :slight_smile: I only started seriously questioning several months ago. I'm still in that "not quite sure" place because I don't have any experience, but after several months, I can say that I'm definitely more attracted to women than men. I can't exactly define how I got to that conclusion, other than paying attention to what I was feeling. I'm still trying to figure out what that means for me and for my life.

    I was lucky enough to find this board pretty early into my internet searches and it's been really helpful. Other reading has been good, plus I've talked to my therapist some. I think I'm still pretty early into all this, but I don't feel quite so lost or alone anymore.

    Hope that helps. Feel free to message me anytime! Sounds like we have a bit in common. The way you describe yourself rings so very true to where I was just a few short months ago.
     
    #2 Adelaida, Dec 3, 2012
  3. LEZmis4

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    Re: Missed the boat in college - it's a strange sea for the questioning twenty-someth

    I completely missed the college boat. I'm in my mid-30's...and I'm just not deciding this is something I need to deal with. I know I've always been drawn to women. And, for years I've, on more than one occasion, found myself staring and admiring women. As for where that leaves me...I'm leaning towards bisexual. I've also talked to my therapist about this...but it's weird for me. He's old enough to be my dad, so it's awkward to talk about sexuality and sex with him. He's of the mindset that my attraction to women might stem from a horrible experience I had with a man...I don't agree...but we just started going there tonight in session. LOTS to talk about there first...

    It seems odd to me to be at this stage of my life and NOW I'm going through this unsettled, unsure, confused stage. But...I guess...just know you're not alone. :slight_smile:
     
    #3 LEZmis4, Dec 3, 2012
  4. LiquidSwords

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    Re: Missed the boat in college - it's a strange sea for the questioning twenty-someth

    Well it took me a long time to realise for sure that I was gay but now it just seems obvious. I think I knew all along really I just didn't really like the idea, well I hated it really.

    I guess it probably feels like it's all happening a bit late and that you're wasting time working it out but I don't think you should rush anything. Even when I started to think I was gay it was still hard to think of actually kissing a guy let alone anything more. I guess that's just the way I was conditioned to think and it took a long time to get over it.

    I suppose my advice would be that you can explore your feelings for girls without actually coming out or even experimenting. What would it feel like to hold hands with a girl you fancy? Oh how about kissing a girl you fancy? How does that compare to doing these things with a guy?

    That's the sort of questions I started to ask myself anyway (except opposite :grin:).

    For me I realised that even though I'd always convinced myself I liked girls, it was really nothing more than just liking them, I wasn't sexually attracted to girls at all. The idea of kissing a guy was incredibly exciting, just the thought of it was more exciting than actually kissing a girl had ever been. That's when I knew I was gay.

    That's just me though, I don't know what you'll find but good luck either way.
     
    #4 LiquidSwords, Dec 4, 2012
  5. Merino

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    Re: Missed the boat in college - it's a strange sea for the questioning twenty-someth

    @LiquidSwords: It's really interesting that you write that. I also find the idea of women (in my case ^^) just so exciting on a basic level.
    I just don't know yet whether it's novelty of thought or actual, raw attraction... But it's really good to hear that you went through the same thoughts. :slight_smile:
     
    #5 Merino, Dec 4, 2012
  6. Robin Vote

    Robin Vote
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    Re: Missed the boat in college - it's a strange sea for the questioning twenty-someth

    @ Adelaida

    Your post is really comforting to read, really. I think and hope that in a few months I'll also be a little more certain and still wading slowly into this. It's good to hear that someone going through this is adjusting well!

    @Shybigirl

    Are you as open about your questioning to your therapist as you are here? I know I want to talk to someone in person about this, but I can already feel myself holding a little back. It's just too much of a shock to say out loud at full volume, I guess. Especially when there are no real conclusions to be drawn from it yet. I just want to be openly uncertain without feeling criticized about it. Uncertainty in anything is usually characterized/treated as weakness, so I can't help feeling timid. It's good to hear from you and others that are feeling your way through this slowly.

    @ liquidswords

    Thank you so much sharing your thought processes about "coming in" (a term which I've only just picked up and could potentially misuse!)

    When I explore my feelings, stormy as they are right now, the ideas of romantic gestures with girls are definitely the ones that spark. I can easily bring up the heart-race and warm nerves that go with fancying someone, bashfulness, etc. But then, I've never tried or even dared responded to anything like that before. I don't believe it's just a novelty idea, but still. I can't help doubting.

    And if I imagine the same with guys... feel my stomach sort of go cold. I just worry that a recently failed relationship is affecting that. I try to imagine other guys - imagine myself adjusted and confident with some guy that fits the type I always steer towards... but no spark. If anything I feel guilt for using these imaginary men to test myself when I just keep failing to respond to them. I always thought I was just a sort of cold, asexual-ish person. That was what led me to decide that dating men was okay if it was the right guy. But now... I'm so able to feel attracted to women that my mind even wanders where it used to always stay home.
     
    #6 Robin Vote, Dec 4, 2012
  7. prism

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    Re: Missed the boat in college - it's a strange sea for the questioning twenty-someth

    It's very difficult to test the waters when you're questioning. I was uncomfortable with experimenting and did not want to tell anyone.

    I spent 21 years suppressing any thought that would make me question my sexuality; there was simply too much at stake. Only recently did I really reflect on what it meant to be gay and how it would affect my life. I opened up my mind to the possibility and went about my life. I started to notice strange things about the way I interact with people. Why have I always been more comfortable around my male friends? Why was I so uncomfortable with talking about boys with my female friends? The more I thought about it, the more sense things made. Like Adelaida said, you just have to start paying attention to what you're feeling.

    I am graduating next spring, and while I don't want to miss the opportunity to be 'out' in college, I know that I can never take back those words. I am a fair bit past questioning, but I want to make sure that being gay is something that I can't live my life without sharing.

    You're in a great place to discuss your questions. Empty Closets has answered many of my own and has helped me to better understand how I feel.

    Also, your title reminded me of Jamie Cullen's "Twenty Something" :slight_smile:
     
    #7 prism, Dec 4, 2012
  8. LEZmis4

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    Re: Missed the boat in college - it's a strange sea for the questioning twenty-someth

    No. Not in the least. I've tried, but talking about dating, and sex, and relationships makes me want to vomit. Online is a totally different thing.
     
    #8 LEZmis4, Dec 4, 2012
  9. Adelaida

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    Re: Missed the boat in college - it's a strange sea for the questioning twenty-someth

    I have the EXACT same thing happen to me when I try to talk to my therapist. And it's a woman. I go completely nonverbal. It's really frustrating because I actually DO want to talk about these things, but the words just won't come out!

    Glad to hear I was at least a little bit helpful, Robin.
     
    #9 Adelaida, Dec 4, 2012
  10. Robin Vote

    Robin Vote
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    Re: Missed the boat in college - it's a strange sea for the questioning twenty-someth

    I've never been in any sort of counseling or therapy, but I think if I was I would try to break the ice early on some of the bigger or crazier sounding things about myself. And if I missed the chance to do that early, I would try to think of it this way:

    I'm paying this person to be helpful and listen to me. It might be excruciating to be here, talking to them. So, time to cut to the chase and get my money's worth. Even if I come on too strong with all of my questions and concerns, the worst that happens is between me and a sort of disposable, confidential relationship with my therapist.

    But, then, I've never been in therapy.
    Sorry if what was meant to be chipper advice sounds ridiculous!
     
    #10 Robin Vote, Dec 4, 2012
  11. Adelaida

    Adelaida
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    Re: Missed the boat in college - it's a strange sea for the questioning twenty-someth

    That is pretty good advice. I'll try to remember it when the words get stuck next time!
     
    #11 Adelaida, Dec 6, 2012
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