I kind of want to talk about the difference between true feelings and infatuation

Ok, when I was growing up, I would pretend to have crushes on girls. I mean that quite literally, I would actually pretend and fool myself into having feelings for someone that weren't really there, as odd as that sounds. This happened multiple times. I'd just "pick" some random girl to have a crush on because it made me feel normal. I thought that it was expected of me to have a girlfriend, and I wanted to fit in. None of these crushes went anywhere, I never had a girlfriend or even went on a date. None of them were serious at all, most only lasted a couple of weeks before I found something that I didn't like about the girl and decided "she's not the one for me". Now, while all of this was going on I did have same-sex attractions and maybe even crushes (though I didn't understand them at the time), but I denied them and hid them deep down, no matter how real they felt or how attractive the boy was.

So, I've never actually had true romantic feelings for a girl (and I've never once had sexual feelings for a girl), but there was this one girl. She was tall and pretty, and I "chose" her to have a crush on (sounds creepy). Well, we were kind of friends and we texted a lot but I was too scared to make a move. When I finally got the nerve to ask her out, she said that we were better of as friends and that she was sorry if she led me on, which I actually understood. I was fine with being friends, and I told her we could just be friends, but eventually I must have gotten annoying because she started ignoring me. In reality, looking back on the whole situation, as strong as those feelings felt compared to anyone else, I realize that it was kind of infatuation or emotional obsession. I really just needed a friend, someone to talk to because I was lonely and I reached out for her in the wrong way. I was never even really sure what I felt, it certainly wasn't sexual and I don't think it was even romantic. It felt fake. I just wanted a friend and I thought by being with her I could have even more friends and somehow "fit into" heterosexuality, even though my homosexual feelings were growing stronger and they felt more real. Looking back, I realize that I can't just pick and choose who I have feelings for if those feelings aren't even truly romantic, and it needs to be for the person and not what the person can give me in terms of fitting into a group or having friends. Can anyone relate to this?

 

Thanks for your replies. I'm glad some people can relate to that type of feeling. Looking back on my childhood, it was all so silly and if I could back go I never would have had any of those feelings. Even if I'm straight, which I'm most likely not, I've never really had romantic or sexual feelings for a girl. I don't really know what to think about it. It's a big part of growing up, coming to terms with yourself and realizing you were lying about everything you thought you felt. Sometimes I feel like I've wasted so much time not being true to myself.