Dating Boundaries

On a first date, i would definitely refuse any drugs that person offers me (safety reasons); and I probably wouldn't have sex with someone right after our first date. Anything else i'm fine with.

 

if it were me I'd let someone round second base quick but that's it and i wouldn't let them past the shortstop until i was REALLY comfortable with them.

for those who need it:
xkcd: Base System

 

Hum, I wouldn't do drugs with somebody I'm not trusting fully, and I would not have unprotected sex, no matter how many dates along.

But other than that... nope

 

I find that I never do anything until I'm absolutely comfortable with it.
If I was comfortable kissing someone on the first date, I would. If I wasn't, I wouldn't.
Simple as that really.

I'm one of those people though who likes having a friendship before considering a romantic relationship.
So I'd need friendship before a first date.

 

I'm pretty much the same way. It really depends on the person for me. I've had 2 one night stands, but I knew that's what was happening and was totally comfortable with it. I think I've only really been on a true "first date" twice, and both of those resulted in relationships. Most of the time relationships come from friendships for me (even both one night stands were girls I was friends with).

Because the relationships usually arise from friendships, they are already people I'm very comfortable around, deeply trust and have been attracted to for quite a while (4 years, in one case). I am therefore much more likely to let things progress faster physically than I would if I had just met the person. If we hadn't been friends before, I'll usually kiss on the first or second date and let things go from there.

I'm not into drugs anymore, so I wouldn't partake in anything offered, and I don't get drunk enough to seriously alter my judgement.

 

I don't really do things by number of date, usually just how comfortable I am. I don't really ~do~ dating. But I usually kiss on the first date, unless it's super awkward.

I'm a virgin, so I wouldn't have sex until we were both very very sure. Like dating for a long time. It sounds cliche, but I really don't want to do it with just anyone.

 

I like this thread idea, I have been thinking about a lot of these things too, as I am new to dating after a very long relationship. There are a lot of things to consider, so bear with me as I work them out for myself, perhaps this will help others to think it out:

I know myself pretty well, and I do not do drugs or drink (addicted family), I don't get myself in illegal situations, and I'm not really good at the idea of casual sex. I also know my belief system, and what kind of values I live my life with, like caring about other people, etc., I will not change those for someone else, on a date or anytime.

Having said that, what I am comfortable with on a date varies a bit probably (I don't know for sure, I haven't gone on my first one post-divorce yet, I'm almost ready but not quite!). If I'm on casual dates, which I think I need to at the beginning because I never have before and need more dating experience, then I don't care what the other person does or believes in (as long as they are not violent, and don't do anything illegal on the date that could get me in trouble - I have a "morality clause" in my job and I could lose it and my whole career, for instance if I was in a car that was pulled over and then the cop smelled pot from my date and searched it, so this is not a judgmental thing.) But other than that kind of example, I don't think I care what they're into, or what we do. But the person I date, even casually, cannot be married or in a committed relationship, I will not participate in cheating or lying. But realistically, I'm not sure you can be certain of this in a casual thing, there are a lot more risks to that kind of situation no matter how careful you try to be...?

On the other hand, when I am ready to be in a serious relationship, I would only date someone who has similar beliefs and values and lifestyle to me anyway because I want to build a future. I would likely not kiss on the first date then, because for me that is a very intimate thing to do, and other than just to work out sexual urges (and that's partly what the casual dates were for), I really would not know the person well enough to do that for a few dates, unless we already know each other well from a lot of calling/email/Skyping etc. before the date. If this is somebody I already know pretty well by the time we have the date like at least on a friend level, then kissing on the first date is fine for me.

I haven't decided about sex yet. I don't think I'll have a hard and fast rule about when it happens. But for someone serious, I'll probably want to wait a bit, because sex involves all kinds of other potential problems and feelings, and requires really good communication - so at least knowing that person a few months, probably. It takes the relationship to a "next level," and I want to be sure the person was compatible with me in the first place on the daily, before we move it up a step and start talking about STDs and all that heavy stuff. I don't want to put in that much work and emotion if the relationship isn't even worth it in the first place.

Sex for any person, serious or casual, would require protection.

And although we're getting ahead of ourselves here, boundaries are important to establish early, before you need them, because they're hard to keep when something actually happens. So I have already established that in future, any person I'm with cannot call me names, try to hurt me even once, cannot physically injure me, or betray my trust intentionally for their own gain - no matter how long we have been together before it happens. One time of intentionally hurting me emotionally or physically, and it's over. Having been in an abusive marriage, I have to change what I will allow when I already love and know someone, and this takes preparation and hard and fast rules, otherwise you will find a way to make excuses for them - they're sorry, they were drunk, they were under a lot of stress, blah blah blah. Someone doing these things means they are fundamentally different from me, because I don't do those things to others, no matter how upset I get. I still have self-control, and compassion, and try to hold onto maturity even when it's hard, and the person I care about gets the very best of me. So I should get the best of them too, and the best they can do should not involve calling me names, or lying to me on purpose. I am looking for an equal, not another person I have to drag through life helping and forgiving all the time. Been there, SO done with that. Also, when this is established, I notice people are way more careful about how they treat you, because they want to live up to your expectations and don't want to lose you.

So going all the way to the end of the possibilities, I would not move in with someone before 1 full year together, because really you need to see the person in a lot of different situations, go through a death with them, holidays, see them in stressful times or short of money, all that to really know them. If I ever get married again (which I hope for but really never want to go through again unless it will be permanent, divorce takes years and a ton of money and pain...), I'm not sure but I probably would wait at least 2 years, possibly 5 or more if we did not have kids to push the issue because of custody and all that stuff. Since rights for lesbian couples are not too solid yet, marrying might help the legal validity of joint parenting in some situations. But if it was not necessary for any legal reason, I would probably wait 8 years or more if I ever did it, because even in the first relationship I didn't get married until 5.5 years into it and it still wasn't enough to see how much that person was going to change afterwards. So I'm kind of scarred by that.

Likewise for any joint property or joint responsibilities, I would have to know the person at least maybe 3 years - I don't want to ever be beholden to someone's decision making again for a rental situation, a house, a cell plan, anything that could affect my credit if that person flakes out. I have to always be able to cover whatever I get myself into, so no one can ruin me again.

So sure, this is way more than you asked for! But for us lesbian girls, it's important - I admit it, in my heart I am a UHaul girl. I am vulnerable and sensitive, and I want to meet somebody and fall in love forever. And if I let my heart take over, I will ignore everything that takes care of me, so I can take care of and accept whoever I'm with and all their problems. That's partly why I'm not ready to date, I know I am still at a point that if someone I liked asked, I probably would spend all my time with her and do whatever made her happy. I know I'm not alone, ladies, we have these stereotypes about moving fast for a reason! So, I'm working on my boundaries now, and focusing on me so I will have a strong sense of self before I try to merge myself with somebody else who will sway me all over the place. I've also learned, when you give off that vibe, you tend to get trampled on, because the person you're with can tell you'll allow a whole lot of mess and not leave.

So now I state my personal boundaries, and if someone else doesn't like it, or finds it offensive, or whatever, tough. It is my life, and it has to be my decision, I can't keep giving all the power away to other people. Sorry, I know this was a light thread, but maybe somebody will find something I wrote useful to think about. I didn't realize how serious boundaries were until I didn't hold onto them and I got hurt. I wouldn't wish that mistake for anyone else.

---------- Post added 18th Dec 2012 at 01:21 PM ----------

Whew~! I'm tired! But thanks for giving me a chance to think through something important for this next phase of my life...

 

i have never dated so idk. the only one i can think of is that i wouldn't have unprotected sex w/ someone i didn't know i guess