okay so i write poetry but i hate writing it because i completely suck at it but i just wanted to share for the hell of it "you spread through my body like a disease and when you touch me , i begin to freeze i am a black butterfly , you've poisoned for life and I've lost my wings ever since I've been under your knife i am black as ebony and weak dust and not only that , i'm something you can no longer trust the wind blows me all over the yard but you keep me safe so i am not scarred" if you don't like rhyming , i understand...i know this is complicated and confusing hahaha but i just wanted to share :icon_bigg
well its about a girl i know and i said she was poison because she affects me so much and keeps me grounded therefore the "no-wings" part then she keeps me safe no matter what crap i go through (thus the wind part) and the scarred part is ...no matter how many bad things come my way..she keeps me from being torn in two over it. djr keeps me stable. but thank you.
It lacks consistent metre. it goes: 10 A 10 A 12 B 14 B 10 A 14 A 9 B 10 B Also the syllables lack rhythm - the pattern of strong and weak syllables appears random. All in all it could do with some tweaking i think. It reads awkwardly.
Huh, this is exactly what I was going to talk about. Have you ever tried a Shakespearian sonnet? It's made up of three quatrains and a couplet that go abab, cdcd, efef, gg. It also follows iambic pentameter, which means each line is made up of ten syllables split up into iambs. ^^That last part is always the most confusing and hardest to describe through text. It's a pattern of "weak syllable, strong syllable." repeated five times per line. Through fog/ I saw/ a boat/ adrift/ one day/ But how/ it came/ to me/, I could/n't tell./ For scores/ of punc/tures met/ and had/ their way/ Since float/ing from/ the seas/ where dark/ things dwell./ I marked the end of each iamb with a slash for clarity. Hopefully that helps you with flow a little bit. I whipped that one up just for this post, but I'm pretty proud of it actually Sonnets are sort of my thing.
look , this is just a piece of it ...honestly i said in the beginning that i hate writing poetry for the very reason i suck at it. i'm not trying to make a career out it. i wasn't really looking for what need tweaking , i was more or less looking for what you thought of the idea of it , never mind....i hate taking criticism , i need it but i completely hate it and every time i get it , i want to give up...sorry if this sounded offended , im being a drama queen
Lol, I'm sorry I helped put you down so seriously, but it wasn't with bad intentions. It's hard to give my opinion of the general feel when you put down only a few lines of some abstract and multidimensional language. I'd never discourage anyone from writing, and trust me-- I've seen pieces orders of magnitude worse than yours.
no , its fine...i just am in a shitty mood and nothings going right....this is the least of my problems , thank you for giving some criticism and advice
